Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Mother May I For The Love Of A Secret Sin Dying Between Friends: The Susannah Story, A Lifetime Original Movie

I was thinking about how this blog reads a bit like a bad Lifetime Original Movie, what with all the cancer and the grief, a woman fighting to regain control of her life so she gets a drastic hair style. It could be called "Mother May I For The Love Of A Secret Sin Dying Between Friends," pretty much because those are the key words in any Lifetime Original Movie. I was thinking that maybe I could be played by Tori Spelling, although we look nothing alike, so perhaps Kellie Martin from Life Goes On? I mean...
We both do the same wan victim look, except of course she wears her jeans much higher than I.

Then I remembered that there is a website that tells you what celebrity you most resemble, so I turned to the experts of the www because I have too much free time and am vain like that.
(Let us not mention how I picked a flattering photo of yours truly and admittedly don't look this smooth in the day to unfiltered day...)
Match: 74%
Match: 73%
Match: 73%
Match: 72%
Match: 72%
Jason Statham Fred Durst Ralph Fiennes Gwen Stefani Madeleine Albright
Jason Statham
Fred Durst
Ralph Fiennes
Gwen Stefani
Madeleine Albright

Only to be told that I will most decidedly not be played by Kellie Martin but rather talent ranging from Jason Statham to Madeleine Albright, at which point this Lifetime Original Movie picked up a sub-storyline in which the heroine has a touch of body dysmorphia and drinks a lot.

Anyway, because this is Lifetime and not, say, HBO, I am going with the role of Susannah played by Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit fame, my 73% match. Really, the resemblance is striking.

So imagine, if you will, it's a Friday night and you're flipping through the channels maybe feeling a little guilty that you had cereal for dinner again and something makes you pause at "Mother May I For The Love Of A Secret Sin Dying Between Friends: The Susannah Story, A Lifetime Original Movie." Before you know it you are sucked in to the implausible storyline. Girl is afraid of MS, thinks she has MS, is called crazy, her mother dies, then her step-father dies (from MS!), two kittens die (I don't know what this does to further the storyline either but it happens) and then she is finally diagnosed with MS herself at which point she realizes she is not crazy but has been right all along so she takes charge of her own health and researches a cutting edge treatment that could possibly save her life, raises the money and dyes her hair pink...will she succeed? (deep breath) Will I succeed?

Personally I would have fallen asleep on the couch already, this Lifetime Original Movie is so badly written, but on the off chance you are still watching let me explain...

There is a lot of this movie on the cutting room floor. Scenes in which Fred Durst (me) is curled up in a ball on his (her? my?) bed, scared. Scenes where Fred Durst flexes his/her/my feet to see if they are MS-y in any way, arches his/her/my neck, obsesses over symptoms and what ifs and whys. Except of course what ifs and whys are hard to show on film, so instead you see scenes where Fred Durst dyes his/her/my hair pink and says BALLS a lot (possibly bleeped over for network television). Because Lifetime Original Movies about women who just cry all the time without ever feeling powerful don't sell a lot of Yoplait or whatever commercial comes on at the break. 

But it's there nonetheless. Between all the positive posts there are moments you don't see. Moments where Fred Durst looks into the mirror up close and for a really long time, too long--you know how you can stare at your reflection so long that you actually lose sense of self? It's a strange take, his acting superb in that moment. Fred Durst stares into the mirror and you see something behind his eyes, a question, a flickering answer that he can't quite grasp. Does the pink hair complement his skin tone? Will his insurance agree to pay for follow up care? And the bigger fear behind his eyes, the one we all want to know, the hesitation before every line he reads--will he succeed?

Will I? I don't know.




Anonymous said...

If it's any comfort (it's probably not), a guy in L.A. once told me I reminded him of Danny DeVito. Yes, Danny DeVito. So. There's that. (noted he was talking about my humor, but no woman likes to be likened to a 4 foot something bald fat man with a cigar in his mouth. Period.) xo a blakeley.

Cathi said...

You definitely will succeed with this - absolutely! And to make you feel a bit better (maybe) when my dad was killed by a serial killer one of my first thoughts was I was starring in a bad Lifetime movie - which no one really wants to be the star of! But in true champion style like when Russell Crowe played Jim Braddock in Cinderella Man - you will fight your way thru this and come out on top! We're all cheering for you! xxoo

Susannah said...

Wow Cathi--pretty sure your Lifetime Original Movie has a tighter (albeit more horrifying) storyline. I am so sorry.

Us Lifetime girls need to stick together. :)


Rebecca, Old Coworker said...

Can we have a flashback to the place we used to work? And can the head of the company be played by a carrot? -My lame attempt at humor

Anonymous said...

God damn you are a talented writer.

Karen Smith said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Karen Smith said...

You just made my day. Never stop writing..

Rachel said...

I have read your blog off and on for years and this is my first comment. I think you are amazing - funny, smart, fierce, and did I say funny? Thanks for sharing these pieces of yourself with the rest of us.
Oh and I couldn't resist the celebrity face farce - I am NOT a Suzanne Somers, post plastic surgery than you very much (Or a hairy Al Pacino).

Rachel said...

Cathi was right - we are all cheering for you!

Susannah said...

Thank you all--best reader-friends ever!