Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Get the Fuck Out 2013

This will go down as the hardest year of my life, the most painful, a year of regrets, the stupidest, worst suck ass 365 days (give or take a few/many/lots of loving memories, but this is a post titled Get the Fuck Out 2013, so let's stay on task, shall we?). Yes, this year can well and truly go fuck itself.
Onward and upward, my friends. Cheers to hoping that better days lay ahead in 2014...*

Staggering out of here,

*Damnit all to hell. Lie ahead? Lay ahead? I should know this! Fitting to end the year on a possible grammatical error. Fuck this shit. Happy New Year. Be safe.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Because Nothing Says Merry Christmas Like the Back of a Head Gazing at the Tree

Wishing you peace, love and warmth.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Don't Ask Me Why I Have Pantera On My Phone

Things are about to get pretty schmaltzy around here, what with Christmas Eve being tomorrow, so I thought I'd squeeze this in while the glam can still be labeled heavy and not tinsel.
I think we gave him the right name (mixed metals, I know). It's also perfect that a 2 year absolutely loves to rock out to an album called Vulgar Display of Power.

I am so in trouble with this one.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Some Weird Shit I Have In My House

With absolutely no hyperbole whatsoever, I have no idea how this reindeer toy got into my house. Which in and of itself is kind of creepy, but then it scoots its little reindeer bum all over the carpet like a dog with a tapeworm or irritated anal sacs or ho ho hey there! Please disregard my dirty floors. This is one of the reasons I will never own a dog. See also: don't hate me, but the barking. And the poop bags. And the boy dog parts.
Speaking of parts. I know how this got into my house: it's one of Bryan's old toys that his grandma made him when he was little and now my kids have found it and think it is the funniest thing ever.
I mean...

The most disturbing thing is that I hate lists of 2. Because two things? Does not a list make. I have searched all over my house for at least one other weird thing to include here. 3? 3 is good. But I can't find anything else. So now this is just a post about a mystery reindeer with an anal sac problem and a troll with a pokey ugly penis.

Happy holidays then.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Check This List

Like any good anal-retentive Virgo mom who spends the month of November filling virtual shopping carts across the www with the plan to pull the trigger on Cyber Monday, I have been asking Zoey what she wants for Christmas for months now. Except, of course, I ask all "yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" coy. And for months now Zoey has been her own kind of coy, replying mostly with "I forget," or sometimes, "You know, that thing?" When I press for more information because someone must have forgotten to pay the domain registration on youknowthatthing.com, she tells me not to worry, that Santa will know what she's talking about. At which point I slink back to Amazon and buy more packs of Rainbow Looms feeling like a total dick.

We all know that after Thankgiving there is Black Friday, then Cyber Monday, and what follows is Smug Tuesday, when you have hit all those purchase buttons and are done with your Christmas shopping. What I did not know is that Zoey also celebrates Sucker Wednesday, otherwise known as Wait-Til-Then-To-Do-Her-Christmas-List Wednesday, although that phrase is not quite as marketable. It has not gone unnoticed that this sudden zeal fell on the same day as the arrival of one American Girl catalog in the mail. Behold the scroll of her Christmas list, spoons for scale:
If I may, let me type out the list verbatim (spelling is not her strong suit):
Braded hedband
pollr bar pagamas + charm
Sage's sliprs for girls and dolls
fancy erings for dolls
Sage's horse and helmint
The American Gril doll Makena and her stuff!
My little pony kute bobl hed that is Rainbow Dash!
Makena's pet!

You can practically feel the momentum of gimme gimme growing with the addition of exclamation points. And then it quickly snowballs:
I want to see Santa!
Love all araownd the wold!
Peece all araownd the wold!
Happynis all araownd the wold!
10 packs of Rainbow Loom
I wish that plastic cood desolv!
I wish that I had reelly kute cklos!

I mean, come the fuck on. She wants plastic to dissolve for Christmas? SO DO I. I want happiness all around the world, peace and love and really cute clothes. I want to see Santa! So I did it. I bought the stupid American Girl doll braided headband and polar bear pajamas, fancy earrings for her doll, Saige's slippers and the My Little Pony cute bobblehead that is Rainbow Dash. Because sometimes peace is found in really cute clothes (a blue Roxy sweatshirt and boots in this case) and it is all I can do to give her love and happiness all around her world until the inevitable one day when she finds out that Santa is not real and those 10 packs of Rainbow Looms are made of plastic that is never, ever going to dissolve.

So yes, Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Smug Tuesday, and every day I love her as if there were no tomorrow.

Although, p.s.--I did not buy her Saige's horse and helmet or the American Girl doll Makena or a phone, because I am not totally crazy.
p.p.s. Right? I was right not to get her Saige's horse?