Thursday, October 2, 2014

Like A Gyno Exam

Once upon a time in my misspent early twenties I went to The Lusty Lady with my friends. I don't know why, really, except we were drunk and it was Valentine's Day, plus why does anyone go to The Lusty Lady anyway? So there we were, a bunch of sad, stupid girls crowded into a little peep show closet, or the quarter slots, can't quite remember except there was a woman behind a glass window in front of us doing stuff to herself and I was suddenly very extremely jarringly oh-no sober. What does that feel like? one of us asked her, and she looked at us kind of bored and without stopping what she was doing she said it was like going to the gynecologist.

God, why am I telling you this horrible story?

Even more to the point, why am I including this Prince gif?
Because sometimes/most times/all the times Prince says it better with just an expression.
I've been thinking of that woman lately, and not just because she ruined p0rn for me forever but because I feel that exposed. Asking for money. One of my friends asked me what it feels like and I will flat out tell you it feels wrong and shameful and weird and, and, and...

And who cares? This is the argument I have in my head. (Along with memories of a sad peep show, it's a real party up there.) But seriously. If it were anyone else I wouldn't think twice...that's what community is for...I've given to others in medical crisis...crises? Isis? Isil? Why does Obama keep saying Isil? Seriously, I'm a mess.

This whole thing has taken me so far out of my comfort zone, the non-religious, borderline WASP asking for money to go to the Holy Land to have her immune system literally reborn. I would say that in my family we were always taught not to talk about money but teaching that would require talking about it so that's not quite right either. What is right is that I have always hated the feeling of owing someone. Like if I borrowed $10 to buy lunch I would feel awkward until I paid you back.* And here we are and I owe you all something like $25,000 and I can't really pay you back. It makes me feel itchy.

And happy. And strong, and loved and supported and thank you, God, thank you. But weird, too, and that's ok, right? It's ok for me to involuntarily cross my legs sometimes, to inhale sharply, to stare up at the poster on the ceiling of someplace else I'd rather be--a boat on a lake or yellow dahlias in a vase--surely your gyno has that poster, too? The poster of a time after Israel, let's call it February 20, when I will again be well and we will all of us live happily ever after.

*If you're reading this and at some point I did borrow $10 for a sandwich or took your last piece of gum (Britt), please don't hesitate to tell me and I will pay you back and/or buy you a pack of Bubble Yum.


Molly said...

$25 000! You are loved, don't ever feel ashamed about that okay?

kacey2004 said...

I too,like you Susannah,have always hated borrowing money,its such an unnatural skin crawling feeling.Exactly like you said,like being exposed,like here is my soul,for you to throw ones at and now ive someone how sold myself for money.Even the smallest amount,it didnt matter,it still felt wrong.Until I met this women who told me something that changed my perspective on giving and receiving.Now giving,I love,love,love!It feels so good and makes me all happy and sparkly inside,and their faces,I love to see their faces and the joy when I make them happy.I did that!Me!And the satisfaction giving give you,its priceless.So here I am in a deep discussion with this friend of mine and i'm telling her you just don't understand what its like for me,to take things from people,its so hard and feels terrible.So she says to me"But you love to give right?""Oh yes!I love to give,that makes me feel great?" So than she says"Well what about those people who want to give to you?""Why do you want to take away their joy of giving to you?"And I stopped and thought.And I got it.She continued"What if you wanted to give to someone and they refused you?""What if it was someone you loved and was in need and they wouldnt take it because they said it made them feel bad to take?""I would feel bad and tell them to please take it,because I wouldnt want them to go without,that would make me feel bad.""Well than" she said"That's exactly what your doing by not allowing people to give to you,your making them feel bad."She said"Don't take their joy of giving away from them." And ever since than i've realized that when someone is giving to me they are receiving joy,just like I receive when I give and now I accept whats given to me with joy as I would want someone else to accept my gifts with joy.Please dont ever feel ashamed,or embarrassed about asking for gifts or money ESPECIALLY when you LIFE is on the line.You would never want to have to explain to your precious children that the only thing that kept you from living and being here for them was something as trivial as money.Your life is priceless and you asking for help is a beautiful gift of joy to give to those that are joyously and willing giving to you.Dont take that joy away from them.Hugs,Love and Peace,Keely

Mr. X said...


We give out of love and concern, not out of obligation. Read the following and please pay particular attention to the last paragraph. Everything is ebb and flow.

Mr. X

On Giving,
by Kahlil Gibran

You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.
For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?
And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?
And what is fear of need but need itself?
Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have--and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.
And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.
There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.
And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.
Through the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.

It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;
And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving.
And is there aught you would withhold?
All you have shall some day be given;
Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'.

You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."
The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.
They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.
Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights, is worthy of all else from you.
And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.
And what desert greater shall there be, than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?
And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?
See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.
For in truth it is life that gives unto life while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.

And you receivers... and you are all receivers... assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives.
Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;
For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the freehearted earth for mother, and God for father.

Nancy Fastenau, Fastenau and Associates said...

And besides for you to feel bad about receiving but good about giving to others, that's a double standard. You don't want to be a hypocrite, right?

Petunia Face said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Petunia Face said...

I am positively oozing gratitude these days, leaking thank yous and wow--for someone who hates crowds and lines, strangers who walk too slowly in front of me, I am seriously astounded by the kindness of humanity.

Thank you all for more than you will ever know.