I am trying so hard, you guys. To be happy, open, a picture full of smiles all
hi! like this:
But I'm tired of trying when really I don't feel like smiling at all. When really all around me the world looks cross-eyed and sweaty, caught in mid-blink, imperfect and quite frankly fucked up like this:
The thing is, no one wants to read a blog that is relentlessly down. I know I don't. But I also don't want to read a blog that isn't honest. And honestly things are really sad and scary right now. My mom is not doing well, which is a euphemism for
she's really not doing well. We got a PET scan back yesterday which showed that despite all the internal and external radiation, the chemo, the blood transfusions--that despite everything the tumor has grown and spread to lymph nodes. Which means that there is nothing left to do but manage the pain. Which means that--fuck. I'm fucking scared and cannot breathe and I have to make lunch for Zoey's camp tomorrow and write a press release and buy more milk and I love my mom so fucking much and when I whistle it sounds just like her.
So I don't know how to write here right now. I don't know how to do any of this.
xo,
S
p.s. You better believe I pressed
this button over and over and over but I'm beginning to think it's just for fun. Fuck that.
26 comments:
I don't know what to say. I love you and your family so much but I don't even know you but through the interwebs. Big hugs and love from here. If there is anything I can do help, please know I would do it...in a heartbeat. Xoxo
Oh, love. I just wish I could wish cancer away.
It isn't fair.
xoxoxoxo
I'm so sorry, Susannah - I'm sending my love to you and your family. I've been down the road you're on right now and I wish I could make it all go away for you. Love your mom with everything you've got (which I know you're doing) and keep your family close. xxoo
Cancer sucks - your honesty nails it every time. It's sounds so lame, but I'm so sorry.
I'd rather read honest than fake and happy any day.
Going through a similar thing with my BIL. Really, just managing the pain right now...nothing left to do. But he is still alive and your mom is still alive and she will be until she's not. So just be with her.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry for being honest and vulnerable! It is one of the most beautiful and courageous thing anyone can be yet one of the last thing anyone displays. I absolutely love your blog. Out of the 500+ blogs I follow, it is in the top 10. Your writing is completely engaging and relatable whether it is a happy or sad post.
I don't know you personally and you don't know me, but know that I am sending my good thoughts your way.
Don't be sorry for being honest and vulnerable! It is one of the most beautiful and courageous thing anyone can be yet one of the last thing anyone displays. I absolutely love your blog. Out of the 500+ blogs I follow, it is in the top 10. Your writing is completely engaging and relatable whether it is a happy or sad post.
I don't know you personally and you don't know me, but know that I am sending my good thoughts your way.
Don't be sorry for being honest and vulnerable! It is one of the most beautiful and courageous thing anyone can be yet one of the last thing anyone displays. I absolutely love your blog. Out of the 500+ blogs I follow, it is in the top 10. Your writing is completely engaging and relatable whether it is a happy or sad post.
I don't know you personally and you don't know me, but know that I am sending my good thoughts your way.
Susannah, I'm so sorry to read about your mom. I can't imagine how you are making it through a day as if it's normal - going to work, making lunch for your kids. I enjoy your blog so much. Thank you for sharing.
- Marla
I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it all disappear. If you aren't writing here because you don't want it to be sad--stop that line of thinking. Write for yourself, not for us. Besides, what you're writing helps people more than silly platitudes do. We don't come here to read that from you anyway.
Fuck cancer
I'm so sorry
This Monday will be one year since my mom died of cancer. After radiation and round and round of chemo didn't work to slow it down, she was just done. We kept her from feeling as much pain as we could.
But it sucked. And it does suck. There is no way around it.
My daughter will turn three the week after. She keeps me tethered. Drives me insane. Keeps me laughing.
All I can say is that it's going to be hard. But you can do it. Do the next most necessary thing. Try on her wigs. Smoke some pot with her. (Can I say that?)
Love what there is.
I'm thinking about you.
Others are, too.
I am so sorry that you and your family are hurting right now. I want you to know that in your words... We all see the love you have for your mother, and family... Because you are honest and we all love that about you and are honored that you share it with us.
Thank you all so much. As cheesy as it sounds, I can actually feel your hugs.
And I'm hugging you right back with an extra squeeze to those that have also lost parents and loved ones.
Cancer is a total dick.
I want to say something more profound and deep than "I'm sorry," but that's all I can think. I'm really sorry, Susannah.
There are enough "goody-two-shoes" blogs around, no need to disguise honesty and the real world, Susannah!
I've been there with my mom last year and she's on borrowed time now, but I am so grateful for every minute of it.
It sucks seeing your parents get old, frail, ill and wasting away - it so does!
Hope always dies last; here is to hope!
You don't have anything to apologize for: the truth is ridiculous & sucky, and why shouldn't you say so? Your honesty is such a difficult time makes it easier to offer you genuine hope and love in return. I wish I had something better to offer than my best, warmest thoughts for you and your family from far off in the internets.
Hang in there. I appreciate the honesty in your blog and your beautiful words. Enjoy every moment with your mother.
Scream and wail all you need to (your kids wont hear you if you do it into a pillow while you hide in the garage) Dont apologize. Just be with your mom, breathe it all in. You will re-live this shitstorm in your mind as you heal, your own written words will comfort you.
It isnt fair, it sucks ass, I am sorry!
I'm sorry. Cancer is a dick with gangrene.
When I lost my Dad (to AIDS--that's one you don't hear often, eh?) I remember wanting a handbook for "how" to do it. How to be the child of someone so so ill. How to grieve. How to DO this. But there wasn't one. I would have appreciated a blog like yours way back when. I'm sure someone out there is reading it now and thinking the same thing. Because everything you write takes me back to those days. And you're not alone. And it DOES suck. And what else can you say? But please, keep saying it. Sending you love. So so much love.
Don't apologize, I'd rather read your honest, real words than fake Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm BS. I've been wondering how your mom was and I am so, so sorry that she and you and your lovely family are going through this. Sending you a big hug from CT even though it is hot and humid and no one should touch each other right now....
I'm so sorry. My father (the last member of my immediate family) died four and a half years ago of a little-known neurological disease called Multiple System Atrophy. It was incredibly difficult for a long, long time, both before and after he was gone.
My thoughts are with you and your family as you journey through this time.
I say dont give up,dont despair,keep hoping and praying!Miracles happen everyday and why cant your Mom be one?Pray,pray,pray,focus on her healing,on her staying and living and being for much longer,see her in the future and help her to be positive and tell her not to listen to the doom and gloom and that all bodies can fight and change what sometimes seems a hopeless situation.She must focus on her own mind healing herself from within,spiritually,mentally and emotionally so that her body will reverse its attack on itself and stop the destructive cancer which is really just the bodies own cells rapidly reproducing.Tell her she cant give up and she will get well,and you support her every step of the way to getting better.Doctors are not always right and the minute you start believing and giving up is when you stop fighting and healing.I will pray to God for your Mom,you and your whole family Susannah.Hugs,K
Write what you need to write, exactly how and when you need to write it. Don't apologize. We're here. We're listening. We're raging with you and for you.
Hugs, strength, and prayers being sent your way. I'm so very sorry.
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