Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I Just Want to Bang on the Drum All Day

All my life I wanted a sister. Not to say that my brother wasn't great, but, you know. He had a penis. And all the things that come along with penises: he hocked loogies in the shower and left glasses of milk on his bedside table for weeks at a time until they turned to curd. No, I wanted a sister to share clothes with and swap magazines, a sister who could straighten the hair at the back of my head. And what do you know? My brother with the penis finally came through and gave me one. In August he married the awesomest girl, my sister-in-law Morgan. She just might kill me for this picture because her eyes are red but it's the only pic I can find. All of their official wedding photos are secured or some such tomfoolery and I cannot cut and paste. So here you are: my beautiful sister Morgan whose eyes, I swear, do not glow red in real life:

Morgan is our guest poster for today. As you can see, she wrote this piece last month but it is particularly timely for yours truly now. Presenting Morgan: the sweetest, prettiest sister, even if she does live 600 miles away and thus the hair at the back of my head is still wiry.
It’s 5:30am on Tuesday, October 21st and I am leaving the office. I actually started work on Monday, October 20th at 7:00am. I worked 22 ½ hours straight and I get paid on a flat, which means I get the same rate for 8 hours as I do for 22 ½ hours. What benefit did I get out of working 22 ½ hours? None. I was this woman’s bitch. I am a slave. I am what’s her name. I am not appreciated by the woman who is making my life a living hell. So what am I doing?
I'll tell you what I'm doing: I am sitting in a production MOHO (motor home) right now, typing up this blog. I have to tell people who come through my “office” that want to use the clean bathroom that they CAN NOT go #2. I was a bit bored so I made a sign that says NO DUMPING PLEASE. And I found a picture of a dump truck and I put a red cross over it. I’ll probably have more free time between being ordered around to do bullshit stuff, so I thought I’d laminate the sign. I get such pleasure from laminating. And yes I travel around with a laminator in my car, just in case someone wants or needs lamination.
I went to college for what it is I want to do--not laminating exactly, directing. But I found myself at the bottom of the ladder and I’ve been very successful at working my way up. But at what cost? I’m already tired of working in production. I get the glamorous job of managing a crew of 60+ people, making sure every single part of the machine is oiled and ready to make some Hollywood magic. I spend most of my time sitting in a MOHO on a walkie talkie and a cell phone in the other hand. Fielding bullshit stuff. For instance, the same woman that kept us at the office until 5:30am just so happened to bring her shnoodle dog with her on this business trip. I had to find a PA that was strictly on doggie duty. It was my job to make sure that this PA takes the dog for a walk, picks up its shit and that the dog occasionally goes to a top of the line luxurious doggie day care where at the end of the day the dog gets a progress report. I had to spend HOURS researching the best doggie day cares in LA.
I absolutely love the art of making films. I love that every day is a different day, a different set, different people and everyone coming together to make this one thing. I love coming to work on sets and seeing the big 10 ton trucks parked along the street and all the gear being downloaded. I always get excited on shoot days. There is something about seeing it all come together. I have no problem working long hours if I am shooting, and a normal shoot day for me is a minimum 14 hours anyway. But at least I get the feeling of accomplishment. But when it’s a prep day and the agency producer is incompetent and needs to be spoon-fed and is fully taking advantage of the film shoot she is on… that’s when I find myself thinking that I want a career change.
I want a zen job.
I want a job that is little to no stress. I don’t mind responsibility. I can do responsibility. I want a job where I have normal operating hours. I want a job with health benefits and a 401 k. I want a happy job.
What is a happy job? I was thinking I would be completely happy working in a flower shop. I love the smell of flower shops. It’s still creative and they have normal hours. Besides the flower shop, I needed some back up ideas, so I put the google search engine to some good use and this is what I found: a website that lists the happiest careers. Editor's note: Dude. I'm totally going to become a hairdresser. Even though the only haircut I ever gave Bryan resulted in me having to then shave his head.
I can’t say how accurate this is, because I can’t imagine an accountant having the happiest job. As for the advertising job, well, I know for a fact those people are NOT happy. I felt the evil wrath of a tired, single woman who I swear sold her soul to the devil because I overheard her say I miss my dog more than I miss my children, that’s why I brought my dog with me on this job.
Oh, this is good. My producer just walked in. We’re shooting in Santa Monica just a few miles from the beach, and it’s 88ยบ out, hot. We’ve got crew standing around carrying heavy equipment, so my producer comes in and tells me how freakin hot it is out there and that she wants me to send a PA to go and get 60 sarongs for the entire crew, so that we can all take our pants off and wear sarongs and get cool. What the hell!!!??? But I can’t say this. I just have to do it and try my hardest not to make a face that reads this is the stupidest idea ever. So now I have to end this blog and go online and find a store that carries 60 sarongs. At least I’ve ended this post on a perfect note.

Please if you know of a zen or happy career, share with us! And tell me where I should send my resume. Editor's Note: Me, too. Tell me where to send my resume, as well.


benson said...

I was glad to see teaching on the list. I'm a small group reading teacher to elementary school kids and if you like to be a "superhero" without wearing a funny costume--this might be the job for you! How many hugs are too many in one day?

JackeeG4glamorous said...

I wish the pay for Sculpter or Gardener, or Short order cook or Soda Jerk were in the six figure range.

Everyone is wishing they were something else. Does that mean we are all just a little unhappy?

Anonymous said...

I did it! I decided enough with production and the crappy hours....I want to be a Script Supervisor! I am on my last job for this year, I'm taking December off and going to Scripty School. I thought about becoming a hair dresser, I've been cutting my own hair for years, started when I was 2 years old, I fashioned the one double pony tailed chopped off look mixed with the complete bang removal. I was spanked only once in my life and that was when I was about 6 years old, I took the boy my mom was babysitting into the closet and cut off all his hair. His mom and my mom were not happy.

I think I was the happiest when I was a camp counselor at a beach camp all through summer breaks in college.

I'm working on a happy career change or advancement, life is too short.

Susannah...I think that the universe has bigger plans for you...like your WRITING! I don't think it was a coincidence you were laid off twice. :) I can then tell everyone I know my sister in law is a famous author! You can sign books for me and I can sell them off on ebay. It's a perfect plan if you ask me.

Love your favorite Sister!

PS. Thank you for warming up the blogger crowd for me...the lead-in from the previous post was key...I don't know how I could have followed Dad's post and then Andrews'. WOW they were great.

Charlee said...

Been there, done that..............ah, a page out of my former life. If there's any solace, those skills that your sister-in-law is implementing right now will be used many, many times down the road. Seriously. It's a right of passage. Not many people can do it full time for the rest of their life. Enjoy it now, for this too will pass.

Petunia Face said...

Yay Morgan! I am so happy for you! And you will be the BEST freaking Script Supervisor Hollywood has ever seen!

p.s. When you're up here for Xmas maybe you can cut my hair. It really needs it and I have no moolah :)

mamacita said...

I am totally happy with being a secretary. It's a part-time gig, but it could be more hours; I set the hours around my family's schedule. It's not glamorous, but it's a little bit more money than we had otherwise. I tell myself that it supports my "art," which would be my shitty blog.

Sometimes I wish I had more time to write, but I know that if I didn't have a job to go to -- you know, SOME structure in my day -- I would lay around and watch Judge Judy all day. The pay is low, but I don't mind that much. My house is pretty shabby, and my furniture is held together with duct tape, but I like the freedom more than I like furniture. Of course, I don't live in crazy-expensive California.

The only bad part is when people ask what I do. They're willing to tie themselves in knots to say how much they admire stay-at-home moms, but part-time church secretaries ... not so much. [Oh, and I always have to explain: I'm not AT ALL religious, but the people are super-nice at the church, and they're mostly sweet old folks, so that's definitely a plus.] So anyway, I've really had to divorce my identity from my job. But it turns out that wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.

Tuesday Taylor said...

I have an idea for your bathroom sign: Please Don't Drop the Kids Off at the Pool

It's what my obnoxious brothers always ask me at an important event/dinner party when I return from the bathroom ("Hey sis, what took you so long? Did you drop the kids off at the pool?")

laura said...

beautiful morgan,
how i love your writing. just like your sister-in-law's. amazing.

i have a wonderful job. i'm 30 years old, one semester away from a master's degree in literature, and i'm an administrative assistant at a private university in pittsburgh. and i love it. sure, it's a glorified secretary job, but i have great hours, great benefits, and great colleagues. sure, there are days that are stressful, but at the end of the day, i go home knowing that i'm working for a cause greater than myself: education. i love interacting with the students. i love my colleagues. for the most part, they're all liberal, intelligent, kind, passionate souls. and they appreciate me. yes, there are people who pretend to be polite when i tell them what i do. "but what do you reeeeally want to do with your life, laura?" they ask. as if my work is somehow not a "real job" or worth my energy and time in the long run. all work is important. all work is sacred. regardless of pay, class, etc.

i make very little money. so, to supplement my income, i do freelance editing (which is good money, but time-consuming) and modeling and acting. i hear you about the entertainment industry. sheesh! but i just suck it up. i love acting, but i hate the process of auditioning around a day job. but when i book a gig, my heart swells. so i keep going.

in reality, i have a few "jobs," but the one that pays the bills is the job I refer to as My Job. and i love it. my dad always says: "it has to feel good in your heart before it feels good in your wallet."

my heart is pretty darn happy. skinny wallet and all.

with love from pittsburgh...

Anonymous said...

I think that it is exciting that you have your own laminating machine and very glamorous that someone just asked you to find 60 sarongs so that everyone can take their pants off.

Robin said...

I agree that a flower shop would be a great place to work...or a stationery store. But I am lucky to love my work (10 hrs a week doing marketing/event planning and I teach yoga 3x per week) Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I think teaching yoga is literally a zen job. That's Perfect! I love that and I love that you love it.

Erin said...

I need (and can't afford) a haircut, too! Maybe Morgan cut cut all of our hair at Christmas? We can have a Christmastime haircutting party at Susannah's!

Judy said...

Morgan Sweetie, I'm pretty sure that I HAVE 60 sarongs.(This will come as NO surprise to anyone who knows me. Hell, I am the veritable prop room personified to family and friends.) I've been buying them for years because they're cheap, pretty, very comfy to wear in hot weather and can be used for a multitude of things-like attach pinch curtain clips and voila...curtains. Call me if you need them.

So much to say, so many words, so little time...but...first and foremost, I am SO glad to have another daughter....our Morgan! This new family addition entailed no Agnes Gootch pregnancy waddles, no labor pains, and no Mother/Daughter early teen angst years. The best part is that, with you, Morgan, I haven't had quite enough time to Fuck Up-or Fuck you up and therefore, no guilt and nothing to apologize for...yet (like the Mom-and-Susannah-Unfortunate-Mall-Elephant-Nose-Incident...or the Helping-Andy-Gear-Up-for-European-Backpacking-Condom-Supply-Incident-in-Walgreen's)-...Right? I HAVEN'T done anything to emotionally scar you for life or mortally embarrass you yet to apologize for-have I? On second thought… I do still owe you a wedding present, it did take me a full year to get your engagement present to you, I did sweat all over one of the nice Groomsmen at your wedding rehearsal...and I did remove my heels and was barefoot for the ceremony...but those don't count, right? If I actually do already owe any apologies for behavior unbecoming a MIL, email me and I’ll get right on it, O.K.?

I love you, our new Daughter. And for those who don't know Morgan, believe me when I tell you that not only is she really smart and talented, but also gorgeous (and bears no resemblance to the devil’s spawn photo Sus posted!) and so incredibly sweet and kind. I don't mean saccharine, big yawn vacuous sweet because she definitely has that great ballsy edge that I so love in both women and Daughters; but she radiates a kindness that just makes everyone feel good to be around her. She also has a wicked sense of humor. I can't think of two people more destined to be together than Morgan and Andy. Boy, did we all luck out or what?!

Congrats on the career veer! I also LOVED your blog. I have no idea exactly what you and Andy do and I love to hear the "inside scoop" and slang...like "MOHO"...now if I can try to slip that into a conversation just to show how savvy I am I'll be all set!

More, more, please!
Love You...and your blog entry and am hoping for more posts soon from you!I am so very, very glad that you and Andy found each other and are together and part of our dysfunctional butinteresting and loving family.
Anytime, anyway...

Joanna Fried said...

Well, it's an old post from you but I just had to pipe in...a friend forwarded Petunia Face, the blog, to me. . and I so enjoy it. What a wonderful family you have and great writers, I'm inspired to start my blog back up. I was a production manager and I hated it and for the same reasons. Good luck with Script Supervising. . way less bullshit . . more about the film, less about the prima donnas. Yes, I know everyone, it is a glamorous job, everyone wants to work in film, right? Well, I don't miss it. Wonderful. Thanks for sharing your life and family.