Tuesday, August 12, 2008

It's Bee, bitch.

Hi y'all. It's Bee! Do you like my sparkly disco pants? Take a Cheez Doodle and pass around the bag. We're going to be here for a while.

So, last week, your friend and mine, little miss Petunia Face, asked me to tickle the ivories on my PowerBook G4 and serenade you with some words of wisdom. I was BEYOND honored, but I hadn't a clue as to what I was to offer. How could I deign to share space with such a master of the blogosphere? Someone who conducts exorcisms to rid themselves of the evil spirits of jobs past? Someone who so effortlessly weaves in prose about Tara Reid's pre-lipo abs with Jocelyn Wildenstein's feline-y face. Someone who, just like that!, slays you with a beautiful thought about her darling bebe.

I was dumbfounded.

Where would I begin? I felt so, "I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation" and shiz.

And then it hit me. The reason I come here in the first place, the reason I adore mama Susannah so much, is that she just puts it all out there. Every day. She inspires me to push the limits and be just as weird and strange and silly as I want to be. And so, in a nod to Susannah's trip down the California coast, I will share with you a little story about my own California adventure.

A few years ago, when I first started dating P, I quit my job and the two of us hopped in a Jeep Wrangler with our chocolate lab, Reggie, and drove out to San Diego—which, of course, in German, means "a whale's vagina."

We took our time navigating across the country, stopping at every Subway and Bob's Big Boy along the way. It was Paul's idea to do a picture-a-day project, and when we got home we gave each other photo albums with our favorite pix. I peppered mine with snippets from my journal. Here's one I thought you might enjoy:

"Today I ate a hot dog, a chocolate chip cookie, a Dove ice cream bar, and like 1000 carbs. Nasty. But delish. And so fun. It looks like I squirted some ketchup and mustard on the windshield, but really those are just dried bug guts. Bug condiments. They are everywhere. My nose is dry, my back is sore, and a tumbleweed just crossed the highway. Reggie needs my attention now. He has apparently caught some trout on the ride out and is sharing the aroma with us. When he breaths, it smells like a toilet."

Oh, Susannah! No, don't you cry for me. For I know you will have your own ups and downs and laughs and tears throughout this trip. And I know I speak for all of us when I say that I CAN'T WAIT to hear all about 'em. Every last one! Until then, we shall wait patiently for your return.

Signing off now. Stay classy, San Diego!


mary said...

OH, come on Baxter. You know I don't speak Spanish!


Uncle Beefy said...

"A whale's vagina"? I didn't know that's what San Diego meant. I mean, I knew it was German or Japanese for something but didn't know it meant something so beautiful! You know that Seattle in Swahili means "Bear Scrotum". We should be sister cities!

(This is why I backed away from the blog today!)

Nice to see you over here, Bee. Never been here before so what a delightful introduction. Are you gonna cover Petunia's court costs?


The Lil Bee said...

I did know that about Seattle actually. Nice to know someone else is so well versed in the history of los estados unidos, Beef.

P.S.: If I know you (and, thanks to Chiclet and that weekend in Tijuana, I think I know you a bit TOO well), you are going to LOVE little miss Petunia. Bookmark her!

SGM said...

You had me cracking up at "It's Bee, bitch." I think that Susannah will love being compared to Tits McGee! Fab post!

Judy? Where's Judy?

Abbey Goes Design Scouting said...

You crack me up Bee!

zakary said...

Rad post!

Excuse me... is that Sex Panther you're wearing?

Judy said...

Here I am....You guys absolutely, fucking ROCK! SGM and Lil Bee Bitch (she said it, not me) I am so loving your guest blogs. If I had a blog (and that's a scarey thought), I would totally trust, no I'd be honored and proud, to have you both stand in for me.

Sus can relax, even though she is far away and not in direct control of the PF delete button, she has little to fear from me. I am swamped here at work, off tomnorrow to pack , fake tan, get Pedi, et.al. to leave at crack of dawn Thursday a.m. for THE WEDDING. I so wish I could cause more mischief while me sweet PF is away but I actually don't have time!

Good news (for me, none of you may give a shit-why would you?), a person from the dress store came yesterday and removed the heavy plastic sensor from the fragile material of my MOG dress. While here, I made her review with me the instructions for wrapping, crossing, twisting, tying, in what direction and what order to accurately don the dress alone and unaided for the wedding. I made extensive notes and sketches as she talked and demonstrated. Let us hope that I remember to take the notes with me, can find them before the event and can actually pull off the getting into the dress. For those of you who might be worried, I DO have several rolls of "Beauty Tape" which I will use extensively so as to prevent a wardrobe malfunction, i.e., having one or more of the Girls falling out onto the buffet table at the Reception....or, God help us, worse!

Carry on, Guest Bloggers, Sus is so fortunate to have such talented and devoted blog friends, readers and stand-ins. This is fun...and again...great job today, Lil Bee Bitch!

Courtney said...

Seriously Bee, you're a hoot! I am loving these posts and the "say what you will attitude" while Susannah is away - hilarious!

And the comments from Judy are totally making my day! Judy....I think you should be a guest blogger!! And, yes, I'm relieved to know they took the sensor off - and reminded you how to wear the dress. Both of those are quite important details for the MOG!

Megan said...

I love the history of the west coast as taught by Beefy and Bee. I was cheated by the CA school system (and my own mother was a teacher representative in my very school district, disgraceful.

Judy said...

Thanks, Courtney, it is fun isn't it! The mice are playing. The reality is that, though she would deny it, Sweet Sus is every bit as BAD as I (and all of you). I distinctly remember her "ball gag and Nipple Clamp" reference not long ago which more than balances out anything I've said. She is a not so closeted Naughty Girl, bless her heart-and I am so proud of both her Miss Prissy-resident of Happy Valley persona as well as the quite spicey Sus that sneaks out when she blogs (and other times when we least expect it).

Susannah was the sweetest baby/ toddler/child anyone could imagine, She looked like an angel. She was shy, much more quiet and able to self-comfort/entertain than her Bro, Andy. Of course, we always worried a bit that she was so quiet and reserved because maybe she couldn't get a word in next to Mr. "In your Face", always in the middle of everything, very verbal, outgoing Brother. When the going got tough at home, we could count on two things- That Andy would be front and center and that Sus would have disappeared into her room keeping a very low profile. She was smart and delightful-creative and so imaginitive even way back then but it was rare to ever see her break out of her shell, not to mention, to grab the spotlight and take center stage. But, let me tell you, when she did, it was an amazing sight to behold! Once as a toddler, we were visiting her Fraternal Grandma Do. We were all watching TV in the " oh so to the manor born", solid wood paneled den of her fantastic large house. Sus and Andy were closer to the TV on the floor. Ethyl Merman was on TV, live and belting out her songs when, suddenly Susannah turned toward the adults behind her, stood up and began to belt out, "There's No Business Like Show Business" in a dead-on mimic of Ethyl's hearty voice, complete with posturing and dramatic gestures-that girl projected! She WAS Ethyl at that moment and we were both in awe and hysterics. On occasion, we are fortunate enough to see this Sus come out and when it does, she is so funny and so out there, I could cry. I'm pretty sure that her friends have seen this side more than I-and, for sure, it emerges in her writing. So, while I love my Reserved and Sweet Sus, I finally know that she is every bit as raucous and out there as I. Genes will out.

I *Heart* You said...

bee, you are hilarious. i can't believe i have to close out the week on friday after all you funny bitches!!!

The Lil Bee said...

Judy, you are high-larious!

Anonymous said...

That is es-SPECIALLY funny. Love the references to the trip and movie!

Pippa said...

Tres funny. A little bit of sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight.

Petunia Face said...

Okay, I KNOW I'm supposed to be on vacation, not checking email and most certainly not checking my favorite blogs or my own blog. But I find I'm antsy without checking in, a junkie not of blow but of blog. Plus, I'm afraid of returning home only to have to catch up on 1000 blog posts in my Google Reader. So I've been doing it on the sly. Right this very minute Bryan is off surfing and Zoey is "reading." All is right with the world.

And how awesome have these ladies been??? Taking care of my blog as if it were their own. Lil Bee is a blessing! AND HOW DID YOU KNOW MY SECRET NAME FOR MYSELF IS TITS MCGEE???? I love it--thank you thank you!

Okay, off to go chase Zoey down the hallway at our hippie hotel, trying to stop her from cackling and screaming outside of other traveler's open windows...
You know, other traveler's who don't have kids, people who in all likelihood are having raucus hotel room sex while we watch Dora the Explorer at night in our room.

JJ said...

I'm sort of pulling one of these BritBrit performances today here at work.

JJ said...

I'm sort of pulling one of these BritBrit performances today here at work.

The Lil Bee said...

Susannah! Get back to that little Petunia Faced girl of yours...we've gotcha covered over here. Though, I must say, I'm relieved to have your seal of approval:)

Off to read the other guest bloggers now. Mwah!

Richie Designs said...

omg that was f*ing funny.

you girls are GOOD!