Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Refilled Is The New Fulfilled (You Can Totally Steal That From Me)

I admit: I don't always return grocery carts to the return thingie if it's far away from my car. Sometimes I don't wash my fruit. I wad fitted sheets into a ball rather than attempt to fold them, and I love motivational quotes. I am mildly ashamed of these things, but whatever. And yes, that itself could be a motivational quote, albeit a crappy one. (Oh well also being one of my faves.)

Wondering if the glass is half empty or half full is not the point. It is refillable. I saw that quote the other day and it stuck with me. Not to get all Vicki Gunvalson  "love tank" on you (and if you get that reference then you are the other half of my BFF necklace), but I feel like my glass is full again. 

The last two years have been shit. The glass was bone dry empty and I cut my lip on the edge, that kind of shit. If you're going through hell, keep going, Winston Churchill told me, so I did. Bore down and forward, fuck this. Which is fine for a grown up (not really but yeah), but try telling that to a 9 year old. A 4 year old. You know what, son? Life sucks sometimes. It's unfair, cruel, tragic even, relentless. Deal with it.

I didn't know how to deal with it. The kids. The last two years didn't just happen to me; it happened to my family. And I could see it in Zoey and Ozzy. How confused they were when my mom got sick, how sad they were when she died. Allen dying. When I was diagnosed, we told them in bits. I didn't want them to connect my MS with Allen's death from his MS even though it was staring me in the face. There were months that I was mentally removed from everyone around me simply because I couldn't think beyond my own central nervous system. I tried to be a good mom during that time. God, I hope I was a good mom, but it's hard to know because I was so far inside myself.

So these last few months of hasn't just been about my immune system growing stronger. It's been about healing my family. Showing the kids that they are loved, safe, secure, always have been and always will be.
For that I am eternally grateful. I have been able to take enough time off work to really be there for Zoey and Ozzy, picking them up from school, visiting their classrooms, taking them to soccer, dance, fro-yo. One of the very best things I have done these past few months has been volunteering in Zoey's school library. I pretty much have to take a Silkwood shower afterward because germs, but I cannot tell you how gratifying it is to watch kids connect with books, to see Zoey's eyes light up when she sees me behind the desk. True it isn't one of the antiviral meds I have to take now, but it is just as healing. And if that's too cheesy for you, then I will also say that it is so freaking fun to play librarian and check the books out. Childhood fantasy fulfilled.

I go back to work in a few short weeks. Which will be hard but normal, and normal is good. All I want is to be normal. How was your day? Fine. (Fine is actually quite extraordinary.) But finances being what they are, I have to work. And since I have to work, I am lucky that I love my job. Of course I love my kids most, so I will miss the day-to-day of pick up, grocery shopping at noon, of snacks at 3 and the smell of books worn ragged by kids who turn the pages with a little too much force. I will miss this.
In some ways, some begrudgingly big ways, this whole thing has been a blessing. It taught me, Bryan and the kids that we are resilient, strong, that we are there for each other no matter what, and that while that stupid glass is going to get knocked over sometimes, spilled, shattered drink/drank/drunk, together we can fill it back up again and again until it actually spills over.

From my family to yours, santé !



Mr. X said...

Just yesterday, I saw this quote:

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

Nice. But, I think I like my neighbor's bumper sticker a little more:

"I don't usually drive this fast, but I have to poop."

May your family's cup runneth over.

Mr. X

Anonymous said...

"It's always darkest before the dawn ".....Kinda cheesy, and not entirely applicable to the situation, but it's my philosophy ( Cup filler emotiji ) P.S., Your kids are gorgeous, and I totally want Mr. X's friend's bumper sticker

Anonymous said...

But of course I get the Love Tank reference. A girl has to fill her mind with quality shows such as RHOC (though personally my favorite is RHONY...I'm abhor and adore Bethanny at the same time).

Hope you have lots of "fine" days to come.

Good Enough Woman said...

Got a bit choked up by this one.

Cathi said...

Cheers to the ordinary days - which are also the best!

Jessie said...

Would you believe me if I told you that I never ever stopped reading your posts?

I haven't wanted to pop in with something pithy or trite while you've shared about the struggle of the last few years, and everything that came to me just felt underwhelming and almost rude.

SO I've been quietly lurking. (Undoubtedly a lot ruder?)

Just wanted to share something that your "refillable cup" illustration reminded me of, and since it's something that I wrote last summer-ish (and feels shamefully self-promotional), I should also mention that you have had SUCH a huge impact on both my writing voice and my bravery in sharing over the past however-many-years I've been a fan. :)

Here it is, and please know that I'm also sending wishes for slick immune systems, many more "fine" days, and an overflowing love tank for your whole sweet little fam.

XOXO - Jessie