Wednesday, May 6, 2015

More

I was cleaning Zoey's room the other day when I saw it--my mom's old cell phone. After my mom died, Zoey asked to keep the phone because it smelled like Grandma Glitter, cigarettes and perfume. Don't look at it, I said to myself, keep moving. I folded a shirt and then said fuck it, picked up the phone, flipped it open, inhaled deeply. The smell is so faint now. It's been a year and a half and I can hardly smell her anymore.

I tried not to write this because I think sometimes/most times/all the time I am too dark. I'm afraid you will all get annoyed with my bleating. But then I think about my mom's refrigerator, all the stupid quote magnets that clung to it. If you ask me what I came into this life to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud. This is your world--shape it or someone else will. Be Nice or Leave, Thank You. 

My mom loved David Bowie. And doing things you weren't supposed to do.
When someone you love dies people often tell you that they will live on in your memories, your laugh, in the sound of your whistle and the way you turn your head like she did. And that is true, but so is this: when someone you love dies, they keep dying. Over and over in moments. It's been a year and a half and my mom just died yesterday when I realized she will never get to be a very old woman. What would she look like with hair a puff of white? Would she have still worn eyeliner at 80? (Fabulous, and yes.)

Every now and then Zoey brings her up out of the blue. I miss Grandma Glitter, she says, and before I can cross the room to hug her she is sobbing. I do too, I say, because I don't know what else there is. Sometimes it lasts for an entire evening, Zoey hiccup crying, me trying to cheer her up, divert her attention, wondering if I should cry, should not cry, goddamnit why can't I seem to cry? Ozzy doesn't really understand, and even though whenever we cross the Golden Gate Bridge he brings her up, my mom will never know that Ozzy calls people You Frickle Mickle Pants when he is pissed. She would have loved that. Him. Her. Them at 4 and 9 and then. 

And then there is this. I think I put a pause on grieving my mom while I was being diagnosed, researching treatment, raising the money, going to Tel Aviv, getting chemo. It seems that there is a cap to how many horrible things you can focus on at once so I did not think of her much at all. Now that I am hopefully fingers crossed on the other side of something, there she is again. Dying again. Still dead. Each time like the first time when they told me she was gone. 

Maybe this is how it is, how it always will be. A constant shock that I can't call her, hear the soft crackling inhale as she smokes while talking to me on the phone, how we would have talked about how proud we both are of Bruce Jenner, how I will never know if she would have liked that book I just read. As I write this I am wearing her old robe, a singed cigarette hole in the wrist of the sleeve that I poke my thumb through sometimes as if we are holding hands, the sharp melted edges her fingernails lightly tracing my skin, though the bathrobe now smells of Tide and my tea.
Zoey teaching Grandma Glitter how to diaper a one day old Ozzy.
xo,
S

p.s. If you haven't read this post written by my mom about the first time she took mushrooms, check it out and you will see why she is so missed.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know I can't write, or do anything productive for that matter, but let me just say this: you are an amazing daughter. Your mom may be gone now, but I'm sure that you made her life the best life she ever could have wished for. I love my parents, I really do, I want to be a good kid, but I can't help being the useless moneypit that I am. ..I'm also gonna find those fucking emotijis someday.

Petunia Face said...

Thanks Anon. Funny because I also have so many regrets, ways that I could have been a better daughter. But that's too painful to write about, and too moot to dwell on.

Just push on and be the best now, right?

Mr. X said...

Not that you need my (or, anyone else's) permission, but it's okay to grieve. It's normal and it's healthy. Take as long as you need, but no longer.

I lost my parents at a young age and sometimes wonder if that was an advantage. That way, I didn't become more attached to them. But, I also missed-out on getting to know them. It's a tough call.

At some point, we all have to deal with death, grief, pain, a broken heart, and all the other unpleasantries in life. But, those events can act as a stepping stone to appreciate life, joy, pleasure, love, and so on. Or, they can act like quicksand.

Remember, Dear Susannah, there is no 'right,' 'wrong,' or 'perfect.' There just is. It's simple, albeit not easy.

Follow your Mom's advice: Live your life as fully and joyfully and presently as you can. That way, there will never be anything to regret.

My best to you and your family,

Mr. X

Mr. X said...

Also, I like the new "About Me" section on your homepage.

To mis-quote APOCALYPSE NOW:

"I love the smell of horse shit in the morning."

No more Nutella?

Mr. X

Anonymous said...

You're right....Nutella's gone! WHY, FORCES OF NATURE?!?! ( mournful emotiji )

Anonymous said...

What? Nutella's gone? WHY, FORCES OF NATURE?!?!

Anonymous said...

What? Nutella's gone? WHY FORCES OF NATURE?! ?!

Anonymous said...

Accidentally commented three times...that's embarrasing

Petunia Face said...

I figure getting rid of Nutella on my "about me" section is the first step to eating right. I mean, I still eat it on a banana in the morning, but I'm pretty sure the nutritionist I have an appt with next month is going to ix-nay the utella-nay.

Mr. X said...

I'd be willing to bet a jar of the stuff that the Nutritionist deals with a lot worse than Nutella.

Mr. X said...

I'd be willing to bet a jar of the stuff that the Nutritionist deals with a lot worse than Nutella.

Mr. X said...

I'd be willing to bet a jar of the stuff that the Nutritionist deals with a lot worse than Nutella.

Mr. X said...

Purposefully commenting three times...for Anonymous.

Petunia Face said...

Funny--I've always thought I was fairly healthy since I hardly drink, have never smoked and don't like red meat. But now sugar, gluten and dairy is getting such a bad rap that I feel like a heathen. We shall see how much I have to cut out. Might start smoking.

Kidding.

Mr. X said...

If you had been doing those other things, you might have been farther up (horse) shit creek.

But, who knows, right? Most of us know someone who drank and smoked into their twilight years with impunity.

After more than a decade of interest in diet, I'm now sure of one thing:

I know nothing.

-Eggs are healthy
-Eggs are as deadly as smoking
-Red meat is bad, due to TMAO, saturated fat, IGF-1, etc.
-Red meat is okay, if it's grass-fed/-finished
-Wheat, barley, rye, and oats will destroy your gut
-Gluten only affects Celiac patients
-Eating cholesterol causes heart disease
-Dietary cholesterol hardly influences serum cholesterol, in most people
-Sugar is toxic
-Walter Kempner used white rice, fruit, fruit juice, and sugar to reverse disease
-Eat low-carb
-Well, sweet potatoes and white rice are now okay

And on (and on) it goes.

For every position with MDs and PhDs backing their claims with studies, there's a counter-position with just as many MDs and PhDs with studies showing the opposite.

Oh, you have an epidemiological study? Well, I'll see your study and raise you a randomized control trial.

I've written and deleted no less than three replies to your "I'm Leaking (Are You?)" post, for this very reason.

The 'Leaky Gut' topic is one that simultaneously intrigues and irritates me. No doubt 'Leaky Gut' is real. But, it's also becoming the new 'Gluten Free.'

My apologies for cluttering-up this sweet post with diet-related gibberish. I'll defer any further dietary diatribes (ha!) to the "I'm Leaking (Are You?)" thread.

With visions of sugarplums,

Mr. X

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Mr. X (happy emotiji )

Anonymous said...

Thank you,Mr. X (happy emotiji )

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Mr.X ( happy emotiji )