Friday, September 13, 2013

She Is Gone

My mom passed away yesterday, and all I can think is she is gone. Like that. Even if it wasn't like that at all--it was long, she hung on, we were "ready"--but now she is gone and her not being here is a weight, a thing that I hold in my hands, not knowing what to do. How can she be gone?
Maybe you've heard me say this before, but my mom was magic. To try and explain her would be a disservice to words.
She was beyond superlative: the funniest, the smartest, the kindest, the strongest, the most beautiful, the most eccentric, the most complicated, the mostest...even so. Those words do nothing to describe her.
Now she will no longer be limited by words or body or health. She will live on in the sound of me whistling, in Zoey's eyes, in Ozzy's sense of humor, in the way that I fold my legs when I sit, how I arrange flowers, my collarbone...sometimes I even hear myself breathe and think, god, that sounds like my mother breathing.
Still. It will never be enough. I will never stop missing her, loving her, wanting to smell that mix of perfume and smoke as she brushes her fingers across my face, wishing she were here to tell me one of her long-winded stories filled with the strangest of pauses.
Stupid stupid words, all of them, all of this, falling so stupidly short of what has been lost. Leaving me with this, saved voice mails that I play over and over pretending it's a Sunday months ago, before she was gone.

I love you, I love you, I love you, and I miss you so, so much, too.

46 comments:

Author said...

:(
My heart goes out to you, Susannah, and all of your family. Thank you for being brave enough to share - you are in my thoughts and prayers. So so sorry for your unimaginable loss. xo Amy B.

Anonymous said...

I am so, so sorry. You write beautifully.

Cathi said...

I don't know your mother except thru your words here on this blog, but this was such a beautiful tribute to your mom - who sounds pretty amazing! That voicemail is priceless - it made me smile knowing a mothers love for her child and it made me cry knowing how much she will be missed. Sending endless hugs and love to you! xxoo

Isa said...

My Darling Susannah,

I read "She is Gone" and I felt a searing pang in my heart. I have been your faithful zealot reader for so many years now and even though, I have never met you, or spoke to you...I know you...no one sew's words into the most breathtaking, funny, savvy stories the way you do. Reading your blog is better than reading The New Yorker, Calvin and Hobbs and Isabel Allende, yes! YOU ARE THAT SMACKING BLOODY BRILLIANT...
so you can imagine that reading "She is Gone" was every bit personal and painful, and I only pray that in the upcoming weeks, you are engulfed in the most wonderful loving memories you cusp close to your heart from her.
All my love and praise.
Isabel

Isa said...

My Darling Susannah,

I read "She is Gone" and I felt a searing pang in my heart. I have been your faithful zealot reader for so many years now and even though, I have never met you, or spoke to you...I know you...no one sew's words into the most breathtaking, funny, savvy stories the way you do. Reading your blog is better than reading The New Yorker, Calvin and Hobbs and Isabel Allende, yes! YOU ARE THAT SMACKING BLOODY BRILLIANT...
so you can imagine that reading "She is Gone" was every bit personal and painful, and I only pray that in the upcoming weeks, you are engulfed in the most wonderful loving memories you cusp close to your heart from her.
All my love and praise.
Isabel

Pooch said...

Praying for you and your family. I am hoping you find pockets of peace when you think back to all of the wonderful memories and goodtimes with your beloved mother.

Sending hugs to you all
Laurie

Amy said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Susannah. I will be praying for you and your family. I don't know you and didn't know your mom, but I can imagine how you are feeling... I lost my Dad to cancer 10 months ago, and while it never gets easy it does get easier. In his last days I remember holding his hands and appreciating that mine look just like his. Its in these little things that we have our loved ones with us every day. Hang in there.

Jules said...

I'm so sorry, as inadequate as those words are. :(

Michelle M in KY said...

OH SUSANNAH...
No stupid words...just prayers and peace.

Robin said...

Susannah, my heart breaks for you. Sending love and hugs to you from the east coast. xoxo

Molly said...

I'm sorry Susannah, so, so sorry.

Anonymous said...

As one of the many who read your spectacular prose obsessively, I knew this was coming and have held my breath each time I clicked on your blog.

I believe I read the entire post without exhaling, and am left with both admiration for the profound love which you have shared with us, and palpable sadness and sorrow for you and your family.

Since you, who use words as wonderfully as anyone I know, feel they are inadequate, I know anything I say will be openly deficient.

But if there is even the tiniest benefit in knowing that many of us care, and are thinking of you and your family, then I hope you do know that. The beauty of your tributes to your mother, and the amazing legacy which is you and your children, fill me with such inspired respect for a woman I will never know.

May good memories of her be with you for all of your days, and the wonder of your two magnificent children help bring healing to your heart.

Leslie Harris said...

You are so right Susannah. There are times when words are not enough... still, it's all I have. I am so sorry for your loss. Your mom sounds like an amazing woman and I was so moved when I listened to her voice and heard the sound of her love for you and your family. Love like that lasts forever. Sending you prayers of comfort.

krista said...

i don't really have the right words for this. just sending you some love and pockets of peace. and then, a real belly laugh. xo.

Sara said...

Shit. I'm so sorry.

Sara said...

Shit. I'm so sorry.

Sara said...

Shit. I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Shit. I'm so sorry.

mumsy said...

Susannah, your words pierced my heart and I didnt even know your mother, until now. Thank you for spilling them out to share. Please keep writing, Nana

Kelly said...

"Sorry" is just another one of those words that doesn't cut it at all. But I am so very terribly sorry for your loss, and for what your family is going through, and has gone through.

Your mom was beautiful, and the fact that she wore yellow Chucks says volumes about a whole lotta awesome.

Never That Easy said...

I'm so, so sorry. Words are not enough, and I wish I had more. I just send my warmest thoughts for you and your whole family.

A Perfect Gray said...

thank you for giving us this heartbreaking beauty.

JackeeG4glamorous said...

Sending big smothering hugs to you. As a faithful reader just know that we will sing your song when you forget the words. Be gentle with yourself.

Anonymous said...

I also felt quite anxious every time I clicked your blog and hoped for a small miracle that would give you more time with your mom.

Please know that your readers truly care about you and ache for you. My heart goes out to you and I know from experience that in time you'll hurt less, but you'll never cease to miss them, no matter how much time has lapsed.

I wish I had a recording like yours...

Sending you hugs and strength

Carol-Anne said...

So sorry for your loss.

Susannah said...

Thank you all so much. This is harder than I thought it would be...I just miss her so much. :(

Cindy * Daisies and Crazies said...

Susannah, I'm so not good at this. I don't have eloquent words like yours. But please accept my sympathies and my virtual hug, which come from the bottom of my heart.

xo

Buff said...

I am so sorry. You so brave. Prayers and peace to you and your family.

JILL CULP said...

My heart goes out to you, Susannah. She is with you every day....

Heidi said...

I am so sorry to read of your mom's passing. Expected or not, a loss is a loss. I hope you will be comforted by all the wonderful memories and the telling and re-telling of stories and most of all, that they will always bring a smile to your heart. You were blessed to have one another.

Zakary said...

I am just gutted for you, for your family. Much love to you.

(I am so glad you have that voicemail and you recorded it, I wish I would have done that.)

Fly high, Grandma Glitter. You are a star.

Gretchen said...

I am so sorry, Susannah. When I read the title, my heart skipped and sunk. I can't imagine how you are doing, the daughter of such a force of a woman coping with that void.

I am just so sorry.

Bearden 365 said...

oh, I'm just so sad. It's never enough time. I wish my boys had met my Dad, but I know that even if they had I'd be busy wishing he were here to watch them grow up. It's just never enough time. This has been my one blog I've stuck to ever since you posted the link on BBC back when our big ones were our babies. I feel like I got little snippets of your Mom over the years in comments, posts etc., and I just feel sad. So I'm going to be sad along with you. I still miss my Dad, and I always will. You're not supposed to know how to get through this, you're just supposed to survive. And keep breathing. Sending you love.

Diane said...

I am so sorry to read this beautiful post. Our lives have run somewhat in parallel these past 5 years. We both lost jobs from that place. We both had to move after the crash. But we both rebounded and moved on to better things. A year ago my husband of 25 years was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He passed away peacefully in June. When i read your mom was sick i felt so bad for you. I wanted to tell you to save every voicemail; which you did and i know how much joy and sadness they can bring. I wish i had more than memories and photographs. But i try to tell myself i was lucky to have the times we had. I only really know you thru your blog, it has been wonderful getting a glimpse at your mom's life. She was a brave woman.

Anonymous said...

With tears in my eyes and a heavy heart I can only let you know how sincerely sorry I am about your moma. I read your blog and you make me smile with your great sense of humor but now it's a little different, you're mourning and I can just pray that you can find comfort in your husband and children.

Anonymous said...

thinking of you! Thank you for sharing in only the way you can. Your writing is amazing.

Anonymous said...

if there is a word carrying a thousand more pounds in weight than Sorry I don't know it but it would fit beautifully here right now. I'm so very sorry for your loss, so very ,very sorry.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family here in Boston.

Anonymous said...

The photo of your Mother holding you is pure love. I hope my baby daughter will love me as much as you love your Mum. Take Care, Sally.

jennifer said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and sadness.
xo

Cheryl said...

I lost my own dear Mom a couple of years ago to cancer. The immediate feeling that you are describing is so familiar to me. I'm wishing I could give you a hug right now.

eileenerb said...

Hi Susannah,
I've been thinking and wondering about you and your mom so I tracked down your blog. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds as if you and your mom had a close, special relationship and that's something you can hold dear for the rest of your life.

Take care.

eileen

Soupy said...

Many tears reading this, for you. Hugs and hold her in your heart, and in your children's spirits.
Prayers.

Anonymous said...

my heart breaks for you. be brave. I am so sorry.

sweetbittertart said...

I don't even know what to say. I'm so so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. I have heard your mom's voice through your blog here over the years, and can't believe that voice isn't here any more. Thinking of you and your family and hoping you are okay. xoxo

kacey2004 said...

You have her magical memories to hold onto, to replay over and over from beginning to end, from end to beginning and they are good ones, worth remembering and no one can take those away from you because they were real and she was real and here and even though she is not here,she's there,you haven't lost her, she's just misplaced from you, for awhile. Take the pain of her death but bathe in the joy of her life. She wont come back to you physically but she will never leave your heart or mind.I wish I had had such a beautiful relationship with my Mother, she's still here, but we don't speak or see each other, such a waste,but as painful as it is to lose someone you love so dearly, oh how blessed you feel to have had someone to love so dearly and that they loved you back. With much love and peace to you Oh Susannah,K