Monday, October 7, 2013

Earthquake Weather

The weather has been unbelievable lately, bathtub warm, still, the air smelling of leaves and salt air. Beautiful out, isn't it? the guy at Walgreens might say to you at checkout. Mm, gorgeous, and then one of you mumbles something about it being earthquake weather and the other nods and you leave the store out to the freakishly perfect afternoon.

Of course there is no truth to that. Earthquakes occur miles below weather, caused by tectonic plates shifting, something that has been happening for as long as there has been an ever, during ice ages, when the earth was a hot bubbling swamp and everything in between. Nor do they happen more in the morning; your pet probably doesn't sense them, and small earthquakes do not prevent larger ones from happening. These are all just myths created to explain things we cannot possibly understand.

All this to say that if we talk about the weather I will probably say something about it being earthquake weather. That if you casually ask me how my day is I might think for a second that the earth will open and swallow me whole, I am that close to cracking. This business of understanding that my mom is gone--it has been happening for as long as there has been an ever, and yet. That's not how it works. I cannot wrap my head around it but for a few flash seconds at a time. How is my day? If a fault could open up there would be no friction. Without friction, there is no earthquake. And yet the weather is so stunningly still and happy, as if we are all just waiting for something to happen.
Quite frankly I don't know why I am putting this image here with this post except maybe I love that whoever Lana Moonblood is she gave reason, a purpose and explanation not for, but to her one tiny hand.


sweetbittertart said...

Sending you much love and warm thoughts from afar. There are no words I can say or think of that sound right or seem helpful. I can't even imagine. All I have is this --->

Laura said...

Aching for you. I just wish that by doing such, it would somehow ~ magically ~ relieve just a little of yours.

Cathi said...

Wrapping my virtual arms around you and sending my love to you, Susannah. xxoo

kacey2004 said...

Susannah,I know that hearing I know how you feel must sound thin and weak,especially since we are all so different and no two persons can ever feel the same,however I do know that kind of pain when you love someone so much that when you lose them all you want to do is curl up into a fetal position in a corner and not ever move again.The kind that takes your breath away from even beginning to think about your loss of that person,the kind that crying until it hurts over and over again doesn't even help even a tiny bit.But I want you to know there truly is another side,I came through it,others have too,and while all of our pain is infinitely different from each other,it is still just as heartbreakingly the same and like childbirth it too shall pass and you will find relief at some point.One of the things I use to do is think about particular instances,special times,moments that we had shared that were so special and I would relieve them over and over in my head and feel those moments again as if he was still here with me and I would talk to him and say remember that time?And I would especially think about the funny times and laugh and cry and just smother my mind with all of my memories so that I could hold on to what I had with him,our memories.And the best thing was I had saved some of his old suit jackets and when I was especially down I would take them in my arms and hold them tight and breath in deep because they still smelled like him.Eventually,i was able to start letting the rest of my life back in,but for a very long time I could do nothing but think,think,think,about him,eat,drink,talk,everything was about him.And that's o.k.Who's to say you have to just dust yourself off and go on?I say stay down and roll around in the dust,cover yourself up in it,make a sheet fort and hide away,whatever you need to do to cope.But I want you to think about this,one day your children will lose you,its inevitable,as impossible as it seems now,and as impossible as it seemed to you about losing your Mom,and I want you to think about how would you want your children to live,to cope with the loss of you?Thats how your Mom would want you to live.So please mourn and wallow and break but than come back and be strong and live and enjoy and be happy.Your light hasn't been put out and your Mom certainly wouldn't want to be the cause of putting it out.Take care,Oh Susannah.Hugs,K