Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Cone of Shame

Apologies for the lack of posts but I have had pink eye. And I know what you're thinking, that pink eye does not necessarily preclude one from writing or the internet. If anything, the www is positively made for those with communicable diseases. Yet if I put my ear up to my computer screen I can hear you there like the ocean spiraled inside a seashell...whhhhhhnnuuu all hollow-like, the rhythmic recoiling with the mere mention of pink eye. I mean, you can feel it right now, can't you? Your eye? It itches a little bit? How good it would feel to rub the inside corner hard. But don't touch it! Whatever you do. Don't touch your eye while reading this post.So yes. Pink eye. It is not cancer or flesh-eating; it does not permanently disfigure. But for a few days you can see how it might be maybe, a sliver. The way people look at you either too hard or away, annoyed, disgusted, curious. Cautious. The way your presence leaves imprints. This is where your wrist touched the counter, fingertips on a pen.

Talking about beauty can be ugly. I am not saying I am beautiful. But I don't disappear either. Normally I am me and I am good, people smile my way, sometimes more. And then my eye crusts over and I am gone. Like that! In public, I look down. At home I avoid the mirror. The only way I exist is inside, what I think, how I feel, which is fine when I forget, if a little itchy. Then at night when I go to bed I wonder what it would be like to never have a mirror again, to never have seen a mirror at all. How might self-esteem change without the concept of reflection? Who would I be if I were only my insides?

Can you see me here again? My ear against the screen? Don't worry--I am not contagious anymore. Wwwwwhhhnn...did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's head you can actually hear them say what the fuck? Because I wonder what you think, who you would be if no one saw you.

I am in love with the color in this photo from Frida Kahlo's own personal collection. Through her countless self-portraits, she seemed fascinated with the play between physical and self.


Kym said...

I just had pink eye for the first time this week... must be going around!

Anonymous said...

Wait until you get older. You really "disappear" then. Sorry about the pink eye. Nasty stuff.

Patti-atti said...

You haven't asked for my advice, but here I am dispensing it anyway - use those drops, and use them exactly as long as they say to, in the exact dose that was suggested. Better yet, add a couple days of treatment.

I got pink eye for the first time in my life last August, and it has since come back 5 times!!! So I used the drops twice a day for three weeks and it hasn't come back since.

Then again, I'm not an eye doctor, so don't listen to my advice! But I was sick of my doctor asking me if I wash my hands - every time I had it, I went postal and cleaned everything as if there was headlice in my home!

Best of luck!

Petunia Face said...

Patti-atti, I wish I could take your advice but I have viral pink eye, so no antibiotics or drops help. Just a run its course thing. Blah.

It's pretty much gone. I hope. Washed all the towels, bedding, etc etc..................

Today is my first day wearing mascara in awhile and I feel like a harlot. :)

krista said...

this idea of no mirrors. it's what happens when i have nowhere to be. i find myself catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and i don't even recognize this person.
then again, i leave the house on a regular basis sans makeup or hair done so i suppose i implement the 'no mirror' thing more than i think.