Thursday, March 3, 2011

Where Have You Gone, Joe DiMaggio? (Plus Ponch and One Blasphemous Rumour)

Coo, coo, ca-choo, my friends, though no nation turns it’s lonely eyes to me. This is where I’ve been: taking a glucose tolerance test (which I think I failed), talking to my doc about birthing options, i.e. cut me open and git it out, and reading on Babycenter that Little Lorem Ipsum is now the size of an English hothouse cucumber which would make total sense to me if I were baking a Shephard’s Pie but seeing as how I’m not I have no idea how big my baby might be. Is an English hothouse cucumber bigger than a bread box?

With Zoey I crafted a Birth Plan, typed it up and printed out multiple copies to hand out at the hospital. Included in my Birth Plan: preferred ambiance, push positions, people allowed in the room, pain relief options and props. Yes—props. I had a ball, you know? One of those yoga balls I planned on bouncing on? And Tootsie Pops in case I got dry mouth. I think I thought birth would like going to the circus. But when we left for the hospital at 4am I forgot to bring the ball and when Bryan handed me a Tootsie Pop I threw it down which was around the same time the doctor announced the need for an emergency c-section. You ever heard the one about how to make God laugh? Tell him your plan. Last year when we went to Mexico I unzipped the side pocket of my luggage and found four copies of that 2006 birth plan which never even made it out of the bag.

In 1978 I was 6 and didn’t quite understand why I felt not exactly funny ha ha or funny strange but more of a funny oh watching Erik Estrada in that tight highway patrol uniform. And then came the episode in which Ponch and Jon deliver a baby at the disco and it clicked—this was the mysterious doing it, so I decided then and there that I would do it with Erick Estrada on a disco floor lit with colored lights while everyone politely turned their backs and clapped their hands.

Granted I was a little confused with the logistics of it all, but I still am, so? I think this is my new birth plan. And please tell me you saw this episode because I searched for days trying to find the clip to no avail. All I could find is this riveting number of Ponch grooving it up not moments before he delivers the baby. Totally worth watching if for nothing else than the look of longing on Jon’s face 1:22 seconds in, plus the guy in the back with the white pants is packing it at 2:07. There is a brief moment when you see the pregnant lady dancing at the 0:30sec mark. Do you remember? How she goes into labor and everyone forms one of those solid gold circles around her with their backs turned? How they still kinda’ swing side to side clapping? At 6 I was not quite sure what went on inside of that circle, but at 38 I’m thinking this is my new birth plan. (I might as well make God laugh with something that is actually almost funny.)

And that, my friends, is what you’ve been waiting for. I probably should’ve opened up with Depeche Mode.




Jules said...

1. Did you see Jon's lackluster dance moves? It's like the director said, "Jon, I want you to sway twice, then pretend to pat someone on the shoulder before leaving the floor. That's all you have to do."

2. Erik flares his nostrils when he's dancing and feeling virile.

3. He also does the lip pout pucker thing you blogged about last year.

essbesee said...

lorem ipsum...bahahah! i remember my birth plan, pretty funny to think about in retrospect.

essbesee said...

p.s. moved my blog (at now)

wonderchris said...

I will join the disco circle!! If we disco dance in roller skates to Depeche Mode....well that's just perfection.

Simply Mel {Reverie} said...

biggest crush EVER on Erik Estrada ~ main reason I moved to CA in hopes of him pulling me over.

along with this genius birth plan, please have a gold lamé blanket ready for lil' Lorem Ipsum.

Molly said...

Strangest Erik Estrada story ever:
Age 7 or whatever I LOVED him and totally credit him with my sexual awakening (not the strange part), the other little girls in my class all professed to LOVE Jon (yeah right) and told me I couldn't love Poncho cos 'he was black'.
Early 1980's South Africa. True story.

I also had an emergency c the first time round, tried to vbac with my second and ended up having another one. Birth plans are overrated.

sweetbittertart said...

This is a brilliant and perfect plan! : )

jennifer said...

phwew! i think i need a cigarette!

love the birth plan, sounds like my second. i had a flawless vbac, the key is to not show up to the hospital until you're pushing!

Unknown said...

I've never seen CHiPs, but the episode is called "Peaks And Valleys" from Season 2. You aren't imagining things LOL.

Maggie May said...

Awesome that zooey helped make the birth plan. Will you be delivering the baby in sparkly eye shadow and a tutu?

Anonymous said...

i offered my daughter any toy she wants if she would learn that dance. so good.

Miss Charming said...

I just came across your blog. Love the CHIPS disco scene--I couldn't stop laughing! Congrats on your sweet little baby.