No, no! Go not to Lethe, ankle bone delicate and proud
Like a bobbi pin for fine hair, *sigh*
Wolf’s bane, droop-headed edema shroud
Bidding adieu, Truth in Beauty, Beauty that must die.
And then I decorated my room with posters of my boobs lined in heavy black eyeliner.
Which means, of course, that in reality I went to Anthropologie and fell in love with this dress.
Knowing that it would be for after the baby. Like a few weeks after, right? I took it to the dressing room just to see how the shoulders would fit, ignored the confusion of the girl as I handed her a size 6 and squeezed past her into the doorway. If you need anything, my name is um, Arden. Um—mkay? And then she shut the door and I could not get the dress on. Like even half of it. My large breast that has become one mottled brown areola like some well-intentioned Doctors Without Borders, only it’s Nipples Without Borders—it would not even fit through the head opening with the side zip opened. So I sat there on the little reclaimed wooden stool in the dressing room with one boob caught in the vise grip neckhole of a seaworthy box-twill horizons dress said to represent pale sand, verdant ground and cool water, and felt very, very sorry for myself, Robert Smith and all.
When I said that I am not a very good pregnant person I did not mean that I am not very good at being a person who is pregnant. Apparently I am very good at that. My body knows just what to do, pops and blows, poofs, poots, bam and pow! Pregnant. I guess what I mean is that I’m not very good at being pregnant and a person. I think how back in the day pregnant women were not really seen out in public. How before Lucille Ball there had been no pregnant women on television. And I think maybe I should have been pregnant back then. Just shuttled away to a room somewhere with soothing wallpaper, left with water and chocolate and a stack of magazines to gestate. Percolate. Emerge months later with faint circles beneath my eyes that only made me look more tragically romantic, my ankle bones once again sharp.
So that’s where I’ve been. And while I cannot promise I won’t disappear again—the wallpaper! It is so pretty!—I can say that I will be back. Someone once told me to never cut your hair while you are pregnant, and I’m guessing the same goes for your blog. I won’t make any rash decisions while this hormonal and not-me, and although I may write secret bad poetry about the lost love of delicate bones and comb my hair forward, I will not cut my hair, myself, or my blog. 28 weeks and counting…
I am disturbingly reminded of that short story, "The Yellow Wallpaper," by your post. Please, no descents into madness.
Also, that is an awesomely fantastic dress.
In many ways that dress IS nicer than a baby.
I hide in that dressing room all the time and i'm not pregs! happy gestating
by the time you'll need the dress...it will be 40% off so not to fret my pet!
we would like to see a belly pic though - we're greedy like that
Anon--I was totally thinking of THe Yellow Wallpaper when I wrote this. Love that story, forever and ever...
p.s. waiting for the dress to go on sale, then it's mine, all mine.
I did not mean to pull you out of that quiet, serene, wallpapered room. I was worried about you. Now that I know you are okay and just happily gestating that boy of yours, I'm ok with it. This Ethel was missing Lucy & all that slapstick that goes with it. But, I'm kinda needy like that. Now, go on back to the soothing sounds of ocean waters and the smell of chocolate and I'll see you right back here when you are damn good and ready.
You are hilarious. I wasn't good at being pregnant either...
i can attest to the hair thing. i did a mia farrow a la rosemary's baby for my first pregnancy. bahahahah! love the anthro dress. and even not pregnant, i can't fit one of my big toes in their frocks. I now only purchase earrings, hats and scarves from them. and the occasional perfume. hope your ankh-el feels better.
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