Monday, February 8, 2010

Monday: The Smallest Possible Interval of Time

First they took away Pluto. Or maybe it was the brontosaurus, I don't know, so busy was I thinking granola was healthy. Turns out it's high in saturated fat, coconut oils, sugar, and get this--the brontosaurus has been deemed obsolete.

I know, right? The one dinosaur I could actually name. Apparently now it's called Apatosaurus which is like people calling me Susan which might as well be Pauline, it is that wrong. I am Susannah, the herbivore with the long necked small smile is the brontosaurus, and mercuryvenusearthmarsjupitersaturnuranusneptuneandpluto. Astronauts drink Tang, long division and the order of the solar system as they radiate from the sun: this is what I learned in the 4th grade and seeing as how I've completely forgotten how to bring down the one and the meaning of remainder they simply cannot take away Pluto or else I'll be left with just the Tang, i.e. fuck.

Zoey and I ate Lucky Charms for dinner last night. I know, I know, I'm a terrible mother but they truly are magically delicious and guess what? Maybe we didn't really eat Lucky Charms at all. Maybe I am not a terrible mother or a mother at all or a Susannah or a brontosaurus or a leperchaun looking for green clovers and purple horseshoes. Of course we have already established that I am not a Pauline. Because here's what they are saying now: the entire world might be nothing more than a hologram. Yep, our everyday experience might itself be a holographic projection of physical processes that take place on a distant, 2D surface. Huh? Yeah. You there, YOU. Reading this blog. You may be sitting there sipping your coffee because of something happening on the boundary of the universe. WTF, right? But at the same time, don't you feel just a smidegeon of oh my god, I just knew it!?

It's Monday but maybe it's not. Maybe you're at work or maybe you're just a projection divided by the speed of light. Maybe you're happy, maybe you're hungry, maybe you're wondering if Tamra and Simon are going through with the divorce after all, I don't know. Turns out I don't know much, what with Pluto and the brontosaurus no longer what they once were. The ubiquitous they and what they say microscopically random, like a hot gas. Speaking of which, the good times start 0:55 seconds in; enjoy.

Mad props to anyone who can explain just what the hell is going on with the universe and entropy, holograms. Or if you can just explain the black hole thermodynamics of Mondays, that would be cool, too.



A Perfect Gray said...

see? this right here? this post? this is why i love you, pauline

miss. chief said...

Okay I'm going to have to really look into that because whhaaaaat? Hologram me is confused. 2D me is like "duh".

Still Life With Coffee said...

Gosh darn, I just wanted to sit down with my cup of coffee and enjoy your awesome writing and now I'm completely freaking out about whether all of this is real and what is really true and my mind is doing crazy flip flops over all these crazy crazy thoughts...
thanks - way more fun than just sipping coffee.

Duel Living said...

Pizza pies

Doesn't really make sense without Pluto (aka pizza pies). My mother just served us nine what? I want Pluto back...I need pluto back....for the sake of 4th grade rhymes and a crushed solar system mobile in my closet.

Cindy said...

The one thing that disturbs me more than the subject matter of this post:

The only topic I'm currently knowledgeable about is the Tamra and Simon situation.

Wow, I am a deep person.


beachbungalow8 said...

would this answer explain the 'simon' tattoo?

Weitzell4 said...

Who the hell are Tamra and Simon?

Sharon said...

You missed a topic: a parallel universe.

I like to eat the crunchy Lucky Charms part first leaving all the marshmallows to eat last. It takes a bit more effort, but well worth it.

In my house growing up you could eat anything you wanted to for supper on Sunday night. I like that rule or lack thereof.

Richie Designs said...


I know nothing

mosey along said...

The brontosaurus and Pluto thing completely discombobulated me also. And just wait til Zoey is six and tells you even more facts that you were always sure were true.
When my daughter comes home from school these days spouting facts I am almost unhinged.

AppleTree said...

I know right! My son got a solar system mobil for his room and it only has 8 planets. He is confused because his Dr. Suess book told him their were 9 as did that fun song by They Might Be Giants. He wants to know what happened to Pluto and I don't know how to break it to his little 5 year old heart.

Petunia Face said...

Now they are calling Pluto a dwarf planet. Which is strange because I thought we were not to use the word dwarf. Little people plant, that's what it should be...


krista said...

fecking pluto. i guarantee finn is going to somehow use this against me later in an argument. i'm not sure why i know this, i just do.
i'll be contacting you when that happens so you can read this post aloud to her.

Bearden 365 said...

I am still in denial about Pluto. I learned something new today--and that was I need to mourn the non-existence of Brontosaurus(es? i? what's the plural here?) Good information as my son is currently fascinated with dinosaurs and I could have misinformed him, thus ruining his life.

ZDub said...

Tamra is boinking his bff. They are so getting divorced.

I kinda like Simon more than Don.