Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Church of Our Lady Pretty Please

True confession: I so totally believe in Hope in a Bottle. (Jar, tube, vat, jug.) What I don't believe in is drinking water, eating veggies, Omega 3 DHA, EPA, LMNOP and sometimes Y, unless of course those vowels and lipids are sold in some sort of package that increases the first cost by at least 60% and I can smear that promise clear across my face. Other things I don't believe in: exercise, Amway, line dancing. Incidentally, I do believe in ghosts.

Over the years I have bought the bottled belief of beauty on the average of once a month. This is clearly not so much mathematical as it is hyperbolic, but let's say I have been hoping since I was 13 and reading Seventeen. I am now 37: 24 years x 12 months = 288 and maybe each flicker of faith cost $30, so if you're keeping up with my English major math here that means I have spent roughly $8,640 on wishes, not withstanding whimsy and the years spent spackling my face with fat dots of Oxy 10 each night. (In which case let's tack on $2500--I used that shit like water. Except I don't like water. Circular, non?)

If you're anything like me you went into a fugue state when looking at those numbers (personally, I was thinking about Jason Bateman, no idea why, but I do like his nose). Just know this number: Twice. Lightening has struck twice in my life forcing me to believe that it is still out there, a packaged something so perfect my life will be forever changed. The first time I was 16 and oily (see: Oxy 10). Somehow I found papier poudr├ęs and never looked back, my once shiny skin forever matte. And now all these years and $8,640 later I believe I have struck gold again, this time a bit more costly, but awesome nonetheless. Ready for this? Deep breath. Clarisonic. I am not getting paid for this. I am not getting paid for anything these days, much less this. Clarisonic. You guys, I was having the worst skin problems, a combination of dry and pimply, red and flaky. I tried everything: avocado and salicylic acid, vitamin c serums, clay masks, plain soap, pretty soap, soaps with peppermint, placenta and the sloughed off skin cells of ten year old supermodels. None of it worked until I tried Clarisonic.

Why am I devoting a whole post to this? I don't know. Not much is going on unless you're into balloons and boys and health care reform. I guess I think of you as my girlfriends (and a few smatterings of my guy friends--I know you're out there!) and this is something I would tell my girlfriends. Clarisonic--I mean, we're all beautiful with or without smooth skin, blah blah blah, please tell me you hate line dancing, too.

Anyhoo, that's that. What about you? Do you believe? How much have you spent? And what are the products and/or secrets that keep you coming back to The Church of Our Lady Pretty Please?

And speaking of ghosts, one more shot of latter day Linds. Because I am fascinated, transfixed, and simply cannot look away.


Erin said...

I don't think I even want to know the dollar numbers I've invested. Because in addition to beauty products, I actually do believe in the power of exercise. Even though I know full well that the only success I've ever had with it is at the gym in a group exercise class with a live teacher making me sweat, I still continue to think I WILL do it at home if it's just "fun enough." Over the years, I have acquired an exercise bike, a yoga mat and corresponding DVD's, an adult-sized Hula Hoop and the corresponding Hoopnotica DVD's, countless maternity workouts, dumbells, and most recently, Kettlenetics -- the "deluxe" package, which has yet to see the light of day. Ouch.

As for Clarisonic, I was obsessed with it for a few months, but found that it didn't get deep enough and I still had nasty blackheads. I have now moved on to the AMAZING (but, of course, I'm only 6 weeks in) Proactive. If my Proactive obsession continues, you can have my extra Clarisonic heads and the almost new bottle of oily skin cleanser.

jennifer said...

yikes, that's a scary side by side!
i've never found any product that i've stuck with.
i DO however, count on the summer sun to give me 3 months of even color. it's the only thing that really hides the brown spots caused by age and . . .er . . . sun damage.
oui!, circular.

Duel Living said...

I love love love Dr. Hauschka's Moisturizing Day Cream! It's so light and has made my skin very soft. It's a little expensive, but lasts a long time. Even my husband uses it...he's combination oily and really flaky...and I can't get him to put it down.

Sophie Lorraine I said...

I think I would only participate in line dancing if I was horrifically drunk, even then, no-one else would be doing it. Probably.
In terms of how much I've spent on beauty products, I don't want to go there. I'm still only eighteen, but the maths figures I'm working out for myself aren't pretty...
As for Lindsay, I'd stop using beauty products if I thought I would end up looking like the bottom image. Good grief...

moam said...

I'm with Erin on the Proactiv. I'm 31 and I still break out like a teenager. And I'm with you on the dislike of exercise and, particularly, line dancing, which I find creepy. Also, I am completely obsessed with those aging Lindsay shots. WTF?!

my favorite and my best said...

im like erin. i have spent waaay more money on bullshit exercise equipment. as of now, and for the last year i have been into tracy anderson's mat workout dvd. it's hard though. real hard. FUCKING hard. it hurts me susannah. i have sustained injury. but it makes my legs look amazing. although, truth be told, my legs were pretty good to start with. my stomach is my thing. the thing that looks like a flabby dead fish. and i do tummy exercises til i am blue in the face. and...nothing. still flabby and gross. so...what have we learned here? nothing other than lindsey lohan is a fucking train wreck in progres.

topsyturvydays said...

Someone else was just telling me about clarisonic the other day. I'll have to try it out. I've always been drugstore cleanser kindof girl and I tend to stick to one thing for a long time (whatever Oil of Olay is promoting for my age bracket.) But now that I'm into my 40's I defineatly need to look into investing a lot more. I'd forgotton about those little blotting papers. I used to use them in my twenties. I need to find them again to blot up all the extra oil that I've been using on my face to keep the wrinkles at bay!

pillow mint said...

i don't like water either! i've tried everything, lemons, limes, ice, no ice, still, carbonated, etc, etc. sometimes (this is really weird) i will go thirsty if water is the only option!
i have no idea why i'm like this.
oh - and i use marykay microdermabrasion about once a week and just soap and water otherwise.

ZDub said...

Poor Lindsey Lohan. She needs a hug. And rehap. And a good scrub down with the Clarisonic.

I use all skincare products from Origins. I only drink water, but you have to in Colorado or you very well possibly might die.

Jules said...

Cold cream, like a grandma. But you already know that. I, though, am of the dry skin variety.

I don't know why Lindsey keeps going back to blonde. It doesn't suit her at all, even without the ravages of drug addiction marking up her face.

Anonymous said...

the Wonderbar, Courtney mentioned it in her blog, Inside the Loop and I was COMPELLED to get it. It has zapped my tenacious blackheads, and my skin looks great! It's the size of a motel soap, but it lasts quite a while,(once a day, while in the shower, I use it. I can't get with the "Wash your face before bedtime" program, especially if since the W-Bar needs to sit for 3 -5 min,) thus I still have a smidge left, nearly 5 months after buying. Mileage will vary. I gotta say, I haven't stuck with something this long, ever. I love my rosy cheeks!

Anonymous said...

This broad needs to either get off meth or get on some chicken wings. I myself have found that eating regularly has added years to my life.

Cindy said...

I'm intrigued by the Wonderbar...

My "go to" is Tea Tree Face Soap from Lemongrass Spa Products. It's only $7.50 and will last for months and months. Great for oily skin, but still mild. Good to shave bikini line with because it reduces the little red bumps. Also love the Tea Tree face cream.

Yes, I used to sell this natural handmade product line. Still a huge fan.

LiLo used to be so pretty. Now she scares me.


mosey along said...

Proactiv, yes. 42 and still breaking out. In what universe is that fair? I do love the Juice Beauty products - the cream smells delicious and seems to be making a good attempt at keeping the wrinkles under control.

Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay. I remember when Britney was going through her little episode I read an interview with Julia Roberts saying she just wanted to move Britney into her house and look after her. Not that I want to do that for Lindsay, but someone should.

Kirsten @ Apotheca said...

I love the Clarisonic if used with something gentle. Erin is right that it doesn't go too deep, so a weekly deep oil cleanse is a great thing to add to your routine if you use it.

And of course professional treatments once in a while. You should come in for one!

I am amazed that there hasn't been a class action law suit against Proactiv. The short-term effects are great for a lot of people. Then, the skin becomes topically addicted, it frequently stops working, and the skin completely goes to hell if you stop using it.

I can't tell you how many of my clients are beautiful young ladies in their 20's and 30's who overused products like Proactiv and now have wrinkles in addition to the zits that came back when that stuff stopped working. And they're so sensitized that they can hardly use anything on their skin but Cetaphil or coconut milk.

Not a happy sight.

Neither is Lindsey.


Petunia Face said...

Oh, I forgot to add up the Miracles of Ab Rollers and Crunch-y infomercial promises. There was something for my butt once, who knows where that thing is now? Sold at a garage sale? My motto is Buy High, Sell Low. Yeah, it's not really working for me.

Thanks all for the new products I must try. The Wonderbar sounds particularly hmmm-worthy.

And My Favorite and My Best--my problem area is a jiggly tummy, too. If you find something that works without cutting out white flour and having to exercise, please share!

And Kirsten--can you recommend a deep oil cleanser for a girl with oily skin?

Happy happy,

krista said...

i was a neutrogena girl almost my entire life. so simple. yet it worked.
then i hit my thirties and had a baby.
my skin hates me.
clarisonic, huh?

Up Mama's Wall said...

Healthy Skin Rejuvenator from Neutrogena. It's like a vibrator for you face and as someone with both pimples AND wrinkles, I gotta say, it' sort of a miracle.

Sarah's Fab Day said...

If Robert Downey Jr. made the turnaround maybe there's hope for Lindsey. I used to think she was so cute and now she looks like a younger version of Donatella Versace, way too skinny and prematurally aged.

amber {daisy chain} said...

What is this wonderbar and how is it that we've not heard of it?! I need it. Also - I've found that using a washcloth to remove any type of cleanser makes me skin dewey soft. The washcloth is a must in my nightly routine, xo

Anonymous said...

I have been using the Wonderbar for 6 months and it is WONDERFUL! I am prone to blackheads and clogged pores and I have sesitive skin, and my skin is 100 times better since I started using it. It seems expensive until you realize that this is all you need except for moisturizer/sunblock.