I have been thinking a lot about time lately. Always. Now and Then. This is who I am, your mother who trips out on the tick tick tock. I don't know why, and one day, this might annoy you. See what I mean? One day? Isn't that strange? Silly, a thought from today, when gas costs $2.96/gallon?
I am a month away from turning 37, and I feel it. The mid to late 30's. I buy moisturizers and face masks, pick at my skin with a mirror magnified 10x. My pores, they are huge. Zoey, this is what I look like a month before I turn 37: I look tired. And dry. This, too, is funny, because one day you might read this and think but I look so young! You won't remember me when I was a month away from turning 37. I will be older, dryer, shortersmallerslower, a month away from ten years+ maybe, who knows? This is the youngest I will ever be, the oldest I have ever been, and I would hate to spend it thinking I am old when years from now we will both look back and marvel at my youth. Is am are was were be being been: we are all just a string of verbs of being juggling the weight of helping verbs: have has had, do does did, shall will should would, can could and ought. I have Mrs. Hudson to thank for that, my 7th grade English teacher who wore her long gray hair in a small little bun. One time I got my period all over my chair in her class and I left it there for somebody to clean up. She is probably dead now, Mrs. Hudson. QED, although that was geometry and something I never once understood much less bled for.
Headlines for July 30, 2009: New Poll Finds Growing Unease with Obama's Health Plan. Iranian Police Use Force Against Graveside Rally. The Dow Jones is up 164pts, Jackson's Mom to Keep Kids, Rowe Gets Visitation, Pregnant Women at Front of Line for Swine Flu Vaccine and Now? Now the Dow Jones is up 167pts.
We are all of us 6 minutes older than when I started this post.
Zoey, today you are at daycare, and I miss you. We have started this thing we do at night; I am hoping to make it a nightly ritual. Together we lay in your bed and we each say something we loved about the day. So far you have talked about your new bathing suit, swinging at the park, pink bubble bath with hearts that smells like flowers, throwing rocks into the stream (never the same stream twice!).
When I was in the 5th grade my school buried a time capsule under the playground. I don't remember what I put inside and I don't know that it was ever unearthed. It could still be there beneath the monkey bars, more than 20 years of kids swinging over a box of 1983.
I wonder, wherever you are, whenever this will be read, what was something you loved about today? And the funny thing is, funnier than iphones and $128 Hudson jeans, funnier than the median home price in Marin being $800k, than an $11 movie ticket, than a half gallon of milk costing $1.49, funnier than today's top Billboard song I Got a Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas, funnier than the fact that I am 45 maybe and you are 12, or maybe I am 52 and you are 19, what is funny but not funny ha ha or even funny strange is that wherever you are reading this, whatever the time, whenever, whyever, evermore, that without a doubt something I loved about the day forever is you. Thinking of you, smiling at you, remembering you, arguing with you: you. You are my favorite moment of all time.
With love from your Mother a month from 37,
p.s. Here's a snippet of what life was like Once Upon a Time Called The Other Night For No Reason. May you always bounch back from the crap thrown at you, laughing and stopping not only to smell the roses but to inspect possible deer poop.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
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dude[ette] try turning 40. All I have to say is Clarins and SKII masks. Expensive as all hell but worth every penny in the long run. People think I'm 28.
if I ever get to be a mom...I want to be a mom like you.
If I wasn't at work, I would be bawling by now.
I love this post. And this line especially: You are my favorite moment of all time.
I want to do something like this for my daughter. Paul and I talked about doing a physical time capsule, but I need to do this, too. I'm always thinking lately about slowing down time. And you just did that for me. I love this and your writing.
I remember being 37 and the wrinkles starting, oh so slightly, but a little more each year. I am now almost 54 and I look back at pictures of me from that time. And I really do think, Oh, I look so young. And I never knew it. It really doesn't matter though. I focus more on being healthy and physical and feeling young.
Okay, your post was so lovely but the best part was the video when she gets suddenly distracted by the "deer poop." I didn't know you had a pet deer.
Your words always leave me laughing or crying or both...they make my day! Just as you must make Zoey's life so incredibly delightful! A rockin' YOUNG mom indeed!
This is so beautiful. You are doing the best job. Giving so much love and support. I'm in awe. Thanks for this moment.
You are such a great mom.
just so you know...finn made me watch this video over and over and every time zoey took the pillow to the face she pointed and laughed. awesome.
also, how cool is the big circle window in the front door? like a ship. me likey. (although, personally, i don't like anyone being able to see in my front door but i do appreciate the aesthetic.)
This is so amazingly wonderful! You are such an amazing mom! And that video made me cry (in a happy way). Z is so adorable - and quite the resilient one!! :)
I remember my daughter at that age would stand on my bed jumping up and down and say "do you want a piece of me?? do you want a piece of me?" kind of Jimmy Cagney like with her hands up like a boxer (which is so funny if you knew her because she was the girliest thing ever and who knows where she got that because she only watched cartoons on tv until she was, like, 12). But she would make me push her down on a big pile of pillows and she'd bounce back up all giddy and laughing and say "do you want a piece of me? try it again mommy!" And so forth. Which reminded me of this. Tomorrow is her 16th birthday. :)
What happens to us that we stop bouncing back, laughing?
I love reading your posts. They are so rich.
If you hadn't told me, I would have continued on thinking you were 25 :)
if that is what tired and dry looks like, god help me.
I think you look fabulous for a 36 going on 37.
If people that don't even know you love your post I don't have any doubt that this will be something very special for your daughter to read some day...
Have a great weekend and thanks for sharing your beautiful thoughts with the world!
Forgive me, but you are a striking woman. If all 1 month from 37 year old women looked like you, I dare say, less energy would be spent on worries about aging. And your writing is remarkable.
Aw, thank you www. You guys are so sweet--dare I say the favorite part of my yesterday? (sshhh--don't tell Zoey)
this is my favorite post of yours. wonderfully expressed and i hear you. i love hearing about the specifics in your life, turning 36, face creams, ya know. i love the detail that tells.and that video is so cute. what a cute laugh!
You look beautiful and dewey and you have the eyes of a mother. What could be more incredible.
Love this post you have such a great relationship with Zoey
I have never commented but have been reading your blog for about a year. Lets just say that this post put me in tears. My girls are 12 and 9 and they are my world. I don't know where the time has gone. Thank you for sharing this.
One of my favorite lines from this one was, "This is the youngest I will ever be, the oldest I have ever been" What wisdom this is.
I say live each moment to the fullest.
Wanted to leave this inspiring post thanking you...again...
for putting things into perspective. But, it seems that after reading it again, the "weepy me" has come back. I can't string together an "insightful", "heartwrenching", "thought provoking" sentence right now. So, I will be back when I am more composed. Damn..maybe it's just the PMS...hmmmm!
Great post and video. I hope I can do something like this for my future child one day. I would love to have a record of all of my mothers daily thoughts growing up.
Actually, you are completely stunning.
I'm having brain surgery Thursday, and they are going to shave half my head, so I went with the kids to get our passport photos taken in haste, and they caught me mid sentence with one eye less open than the other.
If only I could print this photo out and turn it in with my passport application, that would be cool to say i was once beautiful :).
Holy Hell Kat, you sure put things in perspective there! If it makes you feel any better, in my own passport photo I look as if the kilo of heroin in my bum is making me very very grumpy indeed.
Off to check out your blog and wish you healthy brain thoughts, (as well as wish you good hair thoughts that make you rock that half shaved head look)...
HOLY HELL indeed...I cme back with exactly what I wanted to say...all composed...and Kat knocked the wind right out of me...weeping again...definitely must be the PMS. Kat, you are beautiful ven though I do not know you. I wish you a successful surgery and speedy recovery. Susannah...again, I'll be back when I recompose my decomposure. By the way, I have to play that video of Zoey and the deer poop over and over for my daughter.
When I first read this post a couple of weeks ago, I meant to tell you how beautiful you are--and then something happened to pull me away from the computer (most likely involving Nicholas and a running faucet.) I kept meaning to come back. Here I am, a bit late, but here none the less. One of my favorite posts in a long while--and, again, you look stunning.
Color me moved to tears.
Hi again! & thanks :).
I survived brain surgery, partial baldness & an awesome trip to Barbados, and am so glad I can be back to once again find my favorite blog. Love love love you!
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