Patrons of Petunia Face

Yesterday I fell asleep in the park. Like a real bum, only I was drinking pomegranate iced tea and not malt liquor, but maybe that's just a stereotype. Maybe bums do drink pomegranate iced tea and read Us Weekly before nodding off on the grass. Maybe the line between us is not so thick after all. Who knows? Maybe they, too, take pictures of their feet, toes in the grass and nowhere to go. At least the ones with a camera and a computer. A pedicure. And a blog. You know, those bums.
An hour later I woke up to a dog licking my sunburned eyelids. My mouth dry, my head sweaty, my back crazy itchy from the grass. And I realized how lucky I am, unemployed, broke, selling my house, battling dandruff. Because I know what I do have, and not everyone does. And that right there is riches.

Don't worry--I'm not going to hold your hand and sing kumbaya again (although do we agree it's a catchy tune?). No, today I am going to hold out my hand instead, which is just about as comfortable for me as sticking that same hand down my throat, through my innards and out my ass to wave hello, i.e. not so very comfy. But yes, I've added a DONATE button, (see said nifty button on the right-hand side of the aircraft). A few things about this latest addition:

1. Apparently I am an idiot. I wanted my button to be this photo of Nacho here, since this is pretty much what I see every morning as I sit down to write. This head-butting kitten cat all up in my bidness, the bouncer at the door to my blog:

LET ME RUB MY BLACK LIPS ALL OVER YOU FACE AND STAND ON YOUR KEYBOARD, YOU ARE MINE, ALL MINE, NOM NOM NOM, SO WHAT IF I JUST LICKED MY OWN BUTT? NOM NOM NOM, TAKE IT.

After trying to figure out how to upload the photo on Paypal for an hour, it quickly became apparent that I am not getting paid to write, not not getting paid for my mad computer skillz. Which leads me to...

2. I have issues with the word DONATE. But it was either that or Buy Now/Add to Cart, and those are even more misleading. Because here's the thing: I'm not asking for donations. I am not a charity. This is not because I am unemployed or can't afford a Starbucks Chai or the latest cute frock at Anthropologie. That would be disgusting of me. No, this is because I would like to make some money from my writing and am adverse to advertising. I don't want to compromise my content because fuck that and farts are funny and motherfuckingtittyscukertwoballedbitch if I want to. SunMaid Raisins are rad, but something tells me they don't want to be associated with the two balled bitches. But you, on the other hand...

3. If you like what you read and are so inclined, please click on the DONATE button. A quarter, a dollar, $10 grand, whatever. And guess what? If you'd rather not, THAT'S OKAY, TOO. The truth is, I write for myself. It's cathartic, fun, keeps me alive. But in making my writing public via this blog I have to realize that I am also writing for you. No strings attached. This is what I have, and I freely give it to you. Yes, freely. Unless, of course, you want to donate. In which case, fine, I suppose the word "donate" is appropriate. Sheesh. (Why hello there! I'm waving at you from my ass! Toodles!)

So there. Become a Patron of Petunia Face. Or don't. Either way, I know how lucky I am to have you, which makes me the richest blogger in the www.

Happy Friday! May it be sweet.

UPDATE: The lovely Ill-Fitting Overcoat told me how to get Nacho's mug as my DONATE button! She suggested I caption it "Pet My Pussy," which I quite liked, until she said "no, no, don't do that." So I did not. But I thought about it.

YET ANOTHER UPDATE: Just returned home from dinner with friends, eager to check how many millions of thousands of dollars I've accumulated from my new donate button, only to find that I set up the link wrong. God, I suck. I think it's fixed now, though. Why don't you try it out and see? :)

LAST MOTHEREFFING UPDATE (I THINK): There have been a handful of comments to this post that think my new Nacho button is tacky. If there are a handful of people who have commented about it then I have to believe there are more that just think it. And I hate thinking you think I am tacky, or worse--greedy. I am not, but I do believe in supporting the arts; I stand by this post. And yes, I think blogging is an art, just as writing is, painting, music, etc. I never thought this would be controversial, but apparently it is. And no matter what you think about the new Nacho button, I do hope you'll come back. In the meantime, consider donating to Americans for the Arts, a non-profit organization dedicated to advancing the arts throughout American communities.