These Boots Were (Not) Made for Motherin'

There is a scene in the movie "Little Children" in which the camera pans under the table to show a mother's feet clad in dorky brown sandals. Maybe the toes were a little hairy, the pedicure chipped if there at all, I don't remember exactly. But it was a statement, the shot. A mother wears comfortable shoes. Sensible shoes. Sexless shoes. Like mom jeans, except the toe is just a toe and not that of a camel.

In preparing for motherhood I knew to look out for certain things: the short mom haircut (nothing against short hair on women, but there is a short mom haircut), sweatpants, mom jeans, of course, stick figures of my family stuck on the back window of my car. But I never realized I had to worry about my footwear. Until I saw these photos and thought: Fuck. Just fuck. Am I so old, so maternal, so sensible and so out of touch that I don't get these shoes? I mean, is this what all the kids are wearing these days?

Hooves? Really??? Are we wearing hooves now?

And Sweet Jesus if I did not see a paparazzi shot of Julia Roberts wearing these camel toed monstrosities just the other day.

And this? This? I am fairly sputtering at this: S&M meets Mr. Ed with a side order of Posh. Color me foot bound but I think I'd rather don a pair of Birkenstocks than these heinous kicks.

Stay with me here, but I remember a crystal clear day in the 10th grade: my friend Tawna and I were trying to memorize the words to the entire Run DMC tape and we were so annoyed because her mom's Fleetwood Mac was turned up too high in the other room. Yesterday's gone, yesterday's go-ooone... I stood up from pegging my jeans and said, Tawna, you have to promise me we won't get stuck in time. Like, years from now, we won't be like your mother still listening to Run DMC. And Tawna, to her credit, she took the time to apply one thoughtful coat of frosted coffee colored lipgloss before she turned to me and said, no. I promise you, no. We will never be like our mothers.

And I believed her, really I did. But now? All these years later, watching Katie Holmes peg Tom's jeans into silly little stumps of badly rinsed denim? I am not my mother, per se, but there is nothing like a pair of sensible, comfortable, sexless, my adidas.