Thursday, February 12, 2009

These Boots Were (Not) Made for Motherin'

There is a scene in the movie "Little Children" in which the camera pans under the table to show a mother's feet clad in dorky brown sandals. Maybe the toes were a little hairy, the pedicure chipped if there at all, I don't remember exactly. But it was a statement, the shot. A mother wears comfortable shoes. Sensible shoes. Sexless shoes. Like mom jeans, except the toe is just a toe and not that of a camel.
In preparing for motherhood I knew to look out for certain things: the short mom haircut (nothing against short hair on women, but there is a short mom haircut), sweatpants, mom jeans, of course, stick figures of my family stuck on the back window of my car. But I never realized I had to worry about my footwear. Until I saw these photos and thought: Fuck. Just fuck. Am I so old, so maternal, so sensible and so out of touch that I don't get these shoes? I mean, is this what all the kids are wearing these days?

Hooves? Really??? Are we wearing hooves now?

And Sweet Jesus if I did not see a paparazzi shot of Julia Roberts wearing these camel toed monstrosities just the other day.

And this? This? I am fairly sputtering at this: S&M meets Mr. Ed with a side order of Posh. Color me foot bound but I think I'd rather don a pair of Birkenstocks than these heinous kicks.
Stay with me here, but I remember a crystal clear day in the 10th grade: my friend Tawna and I were trying to memorize the words to the entire Run DMC tape and we were so annoyed because her mom's Fleetwood Mac was turned up too high in the other room. Yesterday's gone, yesterday's go-ooone... I stood up from pegging my jeans and said, Tawna, you have to promise me we won't get stuck in time. Like, years from now, we won't be like your mother still listening to Run DMC. And Tawna, to her credit, she took the time to apply one thoughtful coat of frosted coffee colored lipgloss before she turned to me and said, no. I promise you, no. We will never be like our mothers.
And I believed her, really I did. But now? All these years later, watching Katie Holmes peg Tom's jeans into silly little stumps of badly rinsed denim? I am not my mother, per se, but there is nothing like a pair of sensible, comfortable, sexless, my adidas.


I *Heart* You said...

wasn't Little Children like the weirdest movie? and SJP was seen in those boots too which means fashion as we know it is over.

Petunia said...

Even SJP was photographed wearing those god awful camel toed boots! My jaw hit the floor. They're just so WRONG. I do remembering wanting to buy a pair of Elton John inspired very shiny yellow platform clogs back in the '70's. I suppose the look on my mother's face was one of confusion mixed with horror. I really don't know because I was not looking at her. I was falling in love and trying to convince her to buy them for me. Which of course she didn't and years later I had to work out that loss in therapy. All I can say is this: shoes today have nothing on those platform shoes that I can still clearly see when I close my eyes! This stuff is ridiculous. Hmmm, now maybe that's what my mother was saying.

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

Ok, I'm sorry but those first, furry hooves? Are kind of amazing. I would never wear them (I don't think), but there is still a little girl inside me who once dreamed of becoming a pony and that little girl says, "I WANT THOSE SHOES."

But those middle ones? Ewwwwwwwwww.

amy b.s. said...

we were on the same wave length today. i talked about the sjp shoes too. i was, well, confused. and now i feel old because i don't get it! thank you for making me feel like i am not crazy that i do not want to buy these!

Maggie May said...

i hate those shoes. i just do.

i loved Little Chidren. i thought it was extremely insightful and honest.

Good Enough Woman said...

OMG, I think I have the mom short haircut. Then again, I have never been a paragon of fashion. I wore ugly sweats WAY before I was a mom.

mamacita said...

I NEED THOSE BOOTS. Seriously. Cloven hooves would make all the difference in my wardrobe. And I would never be asked to do any more PTA shit ever.

Judy said...

Oh NOoooo! I'm sort of scared right now because I LIKE those first shoes....and worse, much, much worse, I CAN see myself wearing them. Affording them? No. Getting a lot of wear out of them. Probably not. Do they look comfy? No way. Do I want them more everytime I look at the pix? Yep! I'm seeing them with a below the knee pencil black shirt, textured stockings, a black cashmere turtleneck and a rich brown swing coat zbout mid-hip length...and would a black pair of saddle bags thrown over one shoulder as a purse be too cliched?

Ixnay on the camel-toe footwear and the last pair make me see this black and white film about secret female sexual trips-one of which was titled, "Pont Girl". Need I say more?

And Susannah, you ARE a whole lot more like your Mom than you'd ever believe....except I opt for NO shoes any time I can and you go for flip-flops or adidas.
Clippity=clopping into Friday...Mom

Patois said...

This is a joke, right? Really. It must be. Dear God, it must be.

Petunia Face said...

Maybe it was SJP and not Julia Roberts I saw wearing those clod-hoppers. God, I hope so--there can't possibly be TWO Hollywood nitwits wearing those beasts, can there?

And Good Enough Woman--I saw you last spring and trust me, you do not have a mom haircut. I promise!

Misplaced Country Girl said...

For a minute I was a little afraid of where that post was going. I thought you were going to say you wanted to wear those hoof shoes. Oh thank God it didn't go that way! I agree those are hideous and I about died when I saw SJP wearing those camel toed boots.

Give me a pair of flat riding boots any day and I'll be a happy little camper.

Vanessa said...

Whatevs dude, Run DMC is classic. Flettwood Mac?Lame-o.

monkey said...

those boots are wrong on so many levels it freaks me out to even think about them and now i can't get them out of my head and i think there should be some sort of law that if you're not playing a weird man/animal combination in some sort of sad lion/witch/wardrobe reenactment then you SHOULD NOT be allowed to put those on your feet.