Monday, December 29, 2008

A Nietzsche in a Coal Mine

Today I think I will change my name. Yes, from this day forward please refer to me as Esther Ciccone. You may call me Essie for short (but only if you are a dear, dear friend. And it's Miss Jackson if you're nasty).
Because today is Monday, the day after the excuse (formerly known as Jesus' birthday, aka The Day the Earth Stood Still and Nobody Bought Anything). For two months now I've been feeling a bit of a seasonal reprieve. Certainly nobody expected me to find a job during the holidays, right? I mean, bish pls, I would have made a craptastic mall Santa, reeking of antibacterial hand gel, my sack stuffed with wet wipes. But now here I am, my recycling bin crammed with broken down boxes and wrapping paper ripped to shreds. My tree would be dropping its needles if it weren't fake. Today there is no more Christmas to blame. Jesus is still dead and if there are no jobs it's because there really are no jobs. No more, no less, just none. Nietzsche in a coal mine, if you will.
And so today I am working on smoke and mirrors. I am re-working my tired ol' resume, making it over from the desparate, shy girl with the horn-rimmed glasses into the life of the party, the girl wearing the sequined frock and laughing (but not too loudly, never too loudly). From this day forward my resume will be the It Girl of the Unemployed Ball. And me? Oh how I wish I could be Esther. Or Jane. Mandy, Jill, Nan, whatever. Anybody but me. Because in the past two months I have sent my schtick to every Tom, Dick and HireMe in the entire Bay Area only to be met with the sound of crickets. My name is already out there and my glasses have left a lasting mark on the bridge of my nose. I am the shy girl and the party has already smelled my desperation. So yes, part of me wishes I could change my name, tie a red string around my wrist, slap my ass and call me Esther.

At the very least I do get to officially add mad Photoshop skillzzz to my resume. Perhaps I will add the above image to my portfolio. (Hey, it was either this Madonna pic or the one of her hitchhiking naked from her Sex book. I do have some filters. Which I should probably also highlight in my resume. Yes, under Skills: Contrary to popular opinion, does not actually say everything that enters my mind. Vagina, fartlocker, Renee Zellweger. Believe me--what I thought of was eons worse.)
Hire me.

Happy Monday.




Erin said...

I'm dragging the seasonal reprieve out til Jan 2. People are pretty much still in holiday vacation mode until after New Years, right?

Petunia Face said...

Yes! You're totally right. So we actually have until January 5th because nothing will really happen until the Monday after it all.



Tess said...

DAMN YOU for linking to that i can read site, that thing churns out new posts like a goddamned DUGGAR and yet I cannot stop myself from reading EACH AND EVERY ONE.

Vanessa said...

Girl, I hear you. Christmas is the mother of excuses, I guess that's why I was looking forward to it so much and why I miss it even more. Now what? Now life. Life is weird. Even better than pretending to be someone else is my fantasy: I wake up a year later to discover that everything did turn out ok after all. If you figure out a way for me to make that happen, please let me know!
Argh. Life.

Chessa! said...

how about "Blogger Extraordinaire" under skilllz. You make me laugh. :)

Aartee said...

Aww I agree you totally have till the 5th! SO enjoy the few days while you can :)

Megan said...

I definitely agree that you have until the 5th. Maybe you'll meet someone important at a NYE party. Someone with a job prospect. How cool would that be? I am dreaming for you. In the meantime, if you meet anyone who needs a kick ass medical assistant send them my way.

Rosalie said...

Ah sister. I hear you. Why put off today what you can procrastinate tomorrow....

monkey said...

*insert something witty and refreshing here to make you smile and i'll take credit for it*

Patois said...

I think even the 5th is too soon. People take a week to get back in the mode and stop telling each other all about their holidays. Give yourself until the 12th.

And good luck. It is tough out there. But you'll rise above the other souls. Just keep the Madonna image hidden.

Jessie said...

You got skilllllzzzz, fo' sho'.

Oh, and I'm going to call you Essie.

Cause it rhymes with Jessie.

I'm also going to start using the term 'Duggar' to describe everyday people/things that produce quickly and consistently... Tess? You're a genius.

And you could rhyme with us, too. (Tessie.)