Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Holy Sheet

Alternative titles for this post include (but are not limited to): Sheet Happens. No Sheet, Sherlock. Sheety Sheety, Bang Bang. I could go on all day, (I Sheet You Not).

But I won't. Instead I'll just tell you that these sheets? Oh. The big Oh. I mean, that there is some good fucking sheet.
Of course not this bad UC Santa Barbara frat boy mess of a photo in blue. I mean, WTF is up with the two miniature muffins on the bedside table? And please--do not ever monogram your sheets unless you are a visually impaired drunk who must run your fingertips over your embossed initialed pillowcases each night to make sure that it is indeed your bed. Bed by braille. No, I just mean the microfiber velvety smoothness of these sheets. Usually I don't really endorse products, but these? Jesus H. Christ in a Cal King. My mother got Bryan and me a set of these bad boys for Christmas and they are sheer hot sheet perfection.
It's like this: remember in that Robert Redford flick Jeremiah Johnson when he slits open the horse cadaver--or maybe it's an elk, a bear?--and climbs inside to stay warm for the night? Yeah, like that only you've cut open the plushest teddy bear ever and are sleeping inside its soft warm belly. And there is no blood.
I don't know why they don't just have that in the copy. Or why I have yet to get a full-time job as a catalog copywriter.
*Bryan just read this over my shoulder and says that I am wrong, that Robert Redford never slept inside of a dead horse. He says I am mistaking Jeremiah Johnson for The Empire Strikes Back (not hard to do) and maybe he's right because, to prove his point, he Googled "hans solo saves luke from freezing" and this is what came up:

Score one for the Gipper. I have to believe that this is an action figure reenactment of said scene because I don't remember special fx being that bad before CGI. But still. This is what the sheets are like, being birthed from a very large animal, only soft and not so plastic-y.
**After further research I have found that The Empire Strikes Back creature was called a TaunTaun and was sold with an "open belly rescue feature." I totally think The Company Store should change the name of those sheets from Microfiber Fleece Sheet Set to the TaunTaun Set with Open Belly Rescue Microfiber Fleece Feature! And then the product description on the packaging could read "because sheet happens." Why the fuck am I still unemployed, people??!!!


Vanessa said...
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jane said...

ahhhhh. you are funny.

zakary said...

This is some funny ass sheet.


hmrubes said...

How in the hell do you not have a job yet? If I had money, something for you to do, and the general ability to hire you, I would. You make me laugh and that's not easy to do.

Megan said...

the Taun Taun toy is pretty gruesome/awesome. Hope you beat the sickness and have a great New Year!

the girL said...

You totally sold me - just placed my order for a set of these TaunTaun sheets... can't wait for them to arrive!

Petunia Face said...

Hey girL--please report back once you receive the sheets. I want to hear how scrumptious you think they are!

s. said...

The 100% Polyester doesn't make them feel weird against your skin? If you say not, I'll order them. That's how much I'm buying everything you're selling, missy.

the girL said...


The sheets arrived Friday (at my office where I had to open and show my unbelieving co-workers that they were indeed sheets) and I immediately went home, washed them and put them on the bed... I slept so well that night I didn't want to get up the next morning! It was as if I was inside my very own Taun Taun. Pure scrumptiousness!

The only drawback is that I live in LA so sometimes out of the blue it'll be warm again in the middle of winter and then you have to sleep on top of the sheets (like last night).