But I won't. Instead I'll just tell you that these sheets? Oh. The big Oh. I mean, that there is some good fucking sheet. Of course not this bad UC Santa Barbara frat boy mess of a photo in blue. I mean, WTF is up with the two miniature muffins on the bedside table? And please--do not ever monogram your sheets unless you are a visually impaired drunk who must run your fingertips over your embossed initialed pillowcases each night to make sure that it is indeed your bed. Bed by braille. No, I just mean the microfiber velvety smoothness of these sheets. Usually I don't really endorse products, but these? Jesus H. Christ in a Cal King. My mother got Bryan and me a set of these bad boys for Christmas and they are sheer hot sheet perfection. It's like this: remember in that Robert Redford flick Jeremiah Johnson when he slits open the horse cadaver--or maybe it's an elk, a bear?--and climbs inside to stay warm for the night? Yeah, like that only you've cut open the plushest teddy bear ever and are sleeping inside its soft warm belly. And there is no blood. I don't know why they don't just have that in the copy. Or why I have yet to get a full-time job as a catalog copywriter. *Bryan just read this over my shoulder and says that I am wrong, that Robert Redford never slept inside of a dead horse. He says I am mistaking Jeremiah Johnson for The Empire Strikes Back (not hard to do) and maybe he's right because, to prove his point, he Googled "hans solo saves luke from freezing" and this is what came up:
Score one for the Gipper. I have to believe that this is an action figure reenactment of said scene because I don't remember special fx being that bad before CGI. But still. This is what the sheets are like, being birthed from a very large animal, only soft and not so plastic-y. **After further research I have found that The Empire Strikes Back creature was called a TaunTaun and was sold with an "open belly rescue feature." I totally think The Company Store should change the name of those sheets from Microfiber Fleece Sheet Set to the TaunTaun Set with Open Belly Rescue Microfiber Fleece Feature! And then the product description on the packaging could read "because sheet happens." Why the fuck am I still unemployed, people??!!!