Clean and Dependable!

Now that I actually have a job I probably shouldn't horde all the fantastically promising leads I was working on these past few months. So if you're in the job market, have a college education and your own method of transportation, are a non-smoker within the normal BMI range and produce normal BM's, without further ado, here are your employment options courtesy of Craigslist:

1. Got Good Genes? Why Not Share? The Sperm Bank of California. *This is a part-time job.

Of all the leads I was working on, this job promised to be the most enjoyable. The absolute only reason I turned it down was because I do not produce sperm. I did not go to college for sperm-production nor do I have any work experience in the daily production of spunk. Plus, it was a part-time job and I was looking for something a bit more consistent.

2. Sign Spinner: Must be energetic, enthusiastic, and able to stand outdoors in all weather moving the sign constantly with your arms.

This position boasted an outdoor office, fresh air, a gym of sorts. The problem is, my arms are the size and consistency of rubber bands. In fact, friends have been known to call me T-Rex. So while I am energetic and enthusiastic and could probably stand outdoors in all weather albeit with a bad attitude if it were foggy, I do not think I am the best person to move the sign constantly with my arms. Now if the job description had said "move the sign constantly with your legs," then I might very well be standing on the corner right this moment as my other nickname is kangaroo, strong legs, spindly arms, poochy c-section pouch and all.

3. Nemesis Required: I've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings (sic) missing. I feel like I'm old before my time. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis. I'm willing to pay $350 up front for your services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when Im running to catch the BART and occasionaly whisper in my ear, "Ahha, we meet again". That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconsicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred. Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis. British accent preferred.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $350 up front

I often fantasize about tripping people and knocking their coffee out of their hands. Already I steal parking spaces. So I thought this was a natural for me, a done deal. Unfortunately, the only British accent I can muster is sort of a bad Cockney/Eliza Doolitle way way waaaaay off Broadway, like Pygmalion put on by a small community theater and directed by Christoper Guest, and sadly nemesises (nemeseses? nemesi?) are usually a wee bit slicker than that. Than I am.

4. Writer/End of the World I am making a small book and needs fact in regard to End of the world. If you beleive that now is the end of the world and you have solid fact I will buy the info from you for $5.00 each fact, For example you can say: According to ABCD- EFG this is the end of the world. I need a total of 200 solid beleivable facts it equals $1000. I will buy as little as 1 fact for $5.00.

I emailed this person with my End of the World fact and it went a little something like this: "The fact that you are writing this book and yet cannot publish a post on Craigslist without at least a dozen typos proves to me that the End of the World is coming. Didn't you notice the birds all flying inland? The dwindling population of bees? George Bush? Beleive it!" I have not yet heard back from this employer nor have I received my paycheck for $5.00.

5. Will Pay to Catch Your Cold! It's a long story, but I need to be down with a cold by the end of this week. If you have a cold, I will literally pay you to cough all over me. Not a joke.

So I called this person up and we met for coffee and a loogie at Starbucks. I sneezed on him and let him borrow my eyeliner. As an added bonus I let him lick my $5 bill before I handed it over to the barista. Unfortunately, my watery eyes and itchy nose turned out to be allergies, so he is still looking to catch a cold. I dunno,' seems like an easy buck to me.

6. Take My Son to His Prom I won't go into the whole story, but my son got dumped by the girl he was going to take to his prom. The prom is in a few weeks and I want him to have a date. So here is the deal. Go with my son as his date. No expectations on his or my part other than going to the prom with him. He is tall, fairly good looking, but somewhat unexperienced with girls. He is not a geek as he played on 2 varsity high school sport teams for the past 3 years. What's in it for you. $500 cash for your time and I will pick up the cost of your dress, hair styling, etc. up to another $300. You will be picked up in a limo. Requirements are that you are cute and could pass for 17-19.

I loved 21 Jump Street. Like really loved it, past the point of normal. So I totally thought I could do this, go to the prom with this kid, knock back some Zimas with the high school crowd, back my shit up on the dance floor and then puke in the limo to make his mom happy. But I choked. I couldn't do it. I'm afraid I am Richard Grieco when clearly this kid needs a Johnny Depp. So the position is still open. I mean, maybe the prom is over, but perhaps he needs a date to the water slide park? To the kegger? To his freshman orientation at college?

So that's that. A comprehensive list of job openings in this down-market recession in which the price of crude oil is currently fetching $143 a barrel. Let me know if you need any references.