Friday, June 27, 2008

Clean and Dependable!

Now that I actually have a job I probably shouldn't horde all the fantastically promising leads I was working on these past few months. So if you're in the job market, have a college education and your own method of transportation, are a non-smoker within the normal BMI range and produce normal BM's, without further ado, here are your employment options courtesy of Craigslist:

1. Got Good Genes? Why Not Share? The Sperm Bank of California. *This is a part-time job.
Of all the leads I was working on, this job promised to be the most enjoyable. The absolute only reason I turned it down was because I do not produce sperm. I did not go to college for sperm-production nor do I have any work experience in the daily production of spunk. Plus, it was a part-time job and I was looking for something a bit more consistent.
2. Sign Spinner: Must be energetic, enthusiastic, and able to stand outdoors in all weather moving the sign constantly with your arms.
This position boasted an outdoor office, fresh air, a gym of sorts. The problem is, my arms are the size and consistency of rubber bands. In fact, friends have been known to call me T-Rex. So while I am energetic and enthusiastic and could probably stand outdoors in all weather albeit with a bad attitude if it were foggy, I do not think I am the best person to move the sign constantly with my arms. Now if the job description had said "move the sign constantly with your legs," then I might very well be standing on the corner right this moment as my other nickname is kangaroo, strong legs, spindly arms, poochy c-section pouch and all.

3. Nemesis Required: I've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings (sic) missing. I feel like I'm old before my time. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis. I'm willing to pay $350 up front for your services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when Im running to catch the BART and occasionaly whisper in my ear, "Ahha, we meet again". That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconsicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred. Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis. British accent preferred.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: $350 up front

I often fantasize about tripping people and knocking their coffee out of their hands. Already I steal parking spaces. So I thought this was a natural for me, a done deal. Unfortunately, the only British accent I can muster is sort of a bad Cockney/Eliza Doolitle way way waaaaay off Broadway, like Pygmalion put on by a small community theater and directed by Christoper Guest, and sadly nemesises (nemeseses? nemesi?) are usually a wee bit slicker than that. Than I am.

4. Writer/End of the World I am making a small book and needs fact in regard to End of the world. If you beleive that now is the end of the world and you have solid fact I will buy the info from you for $5.00 each fact, For example you can say: According to ABCD- EFG this is the end of the world. I need a total of 200 solid beleivable facts it equals $1000. I will buy as little as 1 fact for $5.00.
I emailed this person with my End of the World fact and it went a little something like this: "The fact that you are writing this book and yet cannot publish a post on Craigslist without at least a dozen typos proves to me that the End of the World is coming. Didn't you notice the birds all flying inland? The dwindling population of bees? George Bush? Beleive it!" I have not yet heard back from this employer nor have I received my paycheck for $5.00.
5. Will Pay to Catch Your Cold! It's a long story, but I need to be down with a cold by the end of this week. If you have a cold, I will literally pay you to cough all over me. Not a joke.
So I called this person up and we met for coffee and a loogie at Starbucks. I sneezed on him and let him borrow my eyeliner. As an added bonus I let him lick my $5 bill before I handed it over to the barista. Unfortunately, my watery eyes and itchy nose turned out to be allergies, so he is still looking to catch a cold. I dunno,' seems like an easy buck to me.
6. Take My Son to His Prom I won't go into the whole story, but my son got dumped by the girl he was going to take to his prom. The prom is in a few weeks and I want him to have a date. So here is the deal. Go with my son as his date. No expectations on his or my part other than going to the prom with him. He is tall, fairly good looking, but somewhat unexperienced with girls. He is not a geek as he played on 2 varsity high school sport teams for the past 3 years. What's in it for you. $500 cash for your time and I will pick up the cost of your dress, hair styling, etc. up to another $300. You will be picked up in a limo. Requirements are that you are cute and could pass for 17-19.
I loved 21 Jump Street. Like really loved it, past the point of normal. So I totally thought I could do this, go to the prom with this kid, knock back some Zimas with the high school crowd, back my shit up on the dance floor and then puke in the limo to make his mom happy. But I choked. I couldn't do it. I'm afraid I am Richard Grieco when clearly this kid needs a Johnny Depp. So the position is still open. I mean, maybe the prom is over, but perhaps he needs a date to the water slide park? To the kegger? To his freshman orientation at college?
So that's that. A comprehensive list of job openings in this down-market recession in which the price of crude oil is currently fetching $143 a barrel. Let me know if you need any references.


Jen said...

that is sad that those craigslist post are real. so very sad.

benson said...

so, color me curious...but where is your new place of employment going to be?! Maybe you could give us "clues" and it could be a treasure hunt;a scavenger hunt for your readers to solve the mystery. The winner could receive a free subscription to your blog :)

Erin said...

You KILL me!

Megan said...

Oh man, oh man. I'm looking for work too, but none of this is okay.

Craigslist is a real crapshoot, but it sure brings the laughs.

Jessie said...

I can't tell you how many times I considered calling on crazy Craiglist job postings when I was desperate for work. I started off way too cocky, so it began as a joke. I'd say to G, "Ha! I could always be a phone sex operator... HA!"

Time flew by, still no job, and sign-twirling, burger-flipping, house-painting, plasma-donating... all started to look a little too tempting. Thank God I finally found something (even if it WAS The Place That Sucked My Soul) otherwise I might still be twirling one of those signs...

I ♥ You said...

whatever happened to "what fries with that?"

these are some clever ways to make a buck. other ways to make lots of cash on the sly...volunteer for experimental surgeries. one of my best friends in college was going to volunteer to have a surgery where they cut off her pinky toe and then put it back on to see if anything weird happened. they were going to pay her like a few thousand dollars and she had some debt to pay so she was all for it. she never went through with it. i think her credit card debt is still something awful. and she still curses the baby piggy that could have brought home the bacon.

thank goodness for just a pain old j-o-b sometimes, ya know?

Richie Designs said...

those are beautiful

JackeeG4glamorous said...

i*heart*you - THAT's FUNNY, the toe thing!

This was a way way funny posting Sus, you can tell you're in a better place. We thoroughly enjoyed it! Not that we wish you carpal tunnel or anything, but could you stock up posts so that we don't run out when you are working 9-5?

Sarah said...

I would make a great nemesis...I have a bit of evil in me.

Amanda said...

Leslie @ Reclaiming Miss Havisham needs to get job #3. She would be perfect for it!

Anonymous said...

OMG--has decorno seen this?? she could pretnd to be unattached...

Female social drinkers wanted for a paid study (UW)

Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-06-27, 12:15PM PDT

Female social drinkers of ALL ETHNICITIES wanted for a study on alcohol and social interactions between men and women. Participants must be unattached, social drinkers between 21 and 30 years of age. Subjects will be paid $15 an hour for 2 - 3 hours. Call Project FRESH at (206) 543-5536 to learn more and determine eligibility. Part of a project at the University of Washington.

Location: UW
Compensation: $15 per hour up to $45
This is a part-time job.
This is a contract job.
This is at a non-profit organization.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Phone calls about this job are ok.
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Miss to Mrs said...

Oh God that was funny! I looked at craigslist when searching for a job, but only came across postings like "one man office looking for young attractive receptionist to have mulitple responsibilities". I was afraid I would end up in a hole in the back room being told to rub lotion on myself so I passed. These are so much better. Next year during prom season I'm going to try to make a few extra bucks. Thanks for the tip.

dee said...

OMG. Oh. My. GOD! I f'ing love you so much it hurts. And THANK YOU! Because, as I pseudo-retiree who could really use some side work, I would be just PERFECT for position #3. I have some pent-up aggression to share, and why not get paid for it?

And your response to the End of the World guy was brilliant! This made my day.

Regardez Moi said...

this is one of the funniest posts i have ever read. so creative, so funny.

Unknown said...

Thanks for this. Now I know I could totally pimp my kid out as an arch nemesis. She can even do the accent (if she watches at least 3 Harry Potter movies in a row).

ZDub said...

I have a nemesis. We used to work together and tried to be friends, but she was always pulling some real bullshit. She has three kids, a better body now than before she had kids (bitch) and recently acquired fake boobs. I always hear throught the grapevine she was asking about me and then talking smack.

Recently, she developed scar tissue under her left fake boob and it pushed it up about 4 inches higher than the other one.

This brings me great, great joy.

Anonymous said...

do you really need a job your doing a great one with ms.Z - and when and who are you interviewing for that job.......... taking care of-Z

Anonymous said...

The nemesis job is my favorite.

Mine works for free, though.