On Boys and Beards (But No Bearded Men)

Awhile ago Scented Glossy Magazine wrote a brilliant post about her Free Pass Five. For those of you not yet privy to the concept, a "Free Pass Five" is a list of the 5 celebrities with whom you are allowed to have sex without your significant other getting angry. It's a game of odds, a celebrity key party where more often than not the celebrity does not even RSVP.
The post made me think long and hard about my own list. Because the problem with my Free Pass Five is that I would need a time machine for anything to ever materialize. There are too many contingencies in my Free Pass Five, too many if only's and this but never that. There are some ye olde skeleton keys in my bowl but the doors all open with key-less remote.
First out of the gate I have a young Matt Dillon. But the emphasis here is on young. I want Little Darlings Matt Dillion, The Outsiders, Tex. I want tight jeans, a scowl and feathered hair to cover up his elephant ears. I want Matt Dillon before we ever knew about his ugly brother Kevin and saw the resemblance. I want a Matt Dillon I can save.

Continuing the theme of time travel, I want a young Robert Redford. Please ignore Paul Newman in the pic. I mean, he's alright if you like piercing blue eyes and salad dressing, but I'm partial to the Sundance Kid, to Bob and his wild horses. I will take him grizzled a la Jeremiah Johnson or clean-shaven like The Great Gatsby.

But I will not take him old. I do not like sun damaged Bob, Bob with the doll eyes, the result of some rather unfortunate plastic surgery. I think I draw the line around the time of Indecent Proposal. Anything pre-Demi and I'm in. Post Demi and Bob falls off the list.

Which makes me pretty picky with my Free Pass Five. I realize that I have already thrown away two spots to the time-challenged impossible.

Next I have Mark Wahlberg. While I don't really like metal bands, I do prefer Mark from Rock Star. There are certain movies in which he reveals a compelling mix of cocky and vulnerable, and I like that in a man. So I need to keep my Mark unconfident and just a little bit scared. I need my Mark like this:

But never this:

I worry a bit putting Marky Mark on my Free Pass Five because I know he has the potential to be a douchebag. A wicked bad pissah' of a douchebag. Still, I reserve a spot for him in good faith that I will get Rock Star Mark, Mark whose nostrils just might be too big but whose eyes are oh-so-sweet.

In striking contrast I have also included Harry Connick, Jr. Now I know he is not conventionally handsome. In fact his face is a rubbery mass of big features. But I saw him in concert once and woah! That guy can sing and dance like it's nobody's business. He is jolie-laid without being too laid. Plus, he's got that southern accent and if things went well he just might write a song about me.

Lastly I have Lenny Kravitz. I waffle on Lenny. At times he seems too stinky. Too religious. He seems like he might take himself too seriously which is a cardinal sin in my book. Despite all this I remember a dream I had about Lenny once. In the dream we were on the beach and he convinced me to wear a thong bikini which is so not me. But it was how he talked me into it, he made me feel so damn sexy. So I leave Lenny on my list for his potential to make me feel like one hot bitch.

So as you can see my Free Pass Five leaves me challenged, not just because they are superstars and musicians but because they are now too old, too cocky, handsome only at a certain angle. They are unhygienic and serious. And yes I realize I am writing this as I sit eating a cannister of Pringles, zit cream on my chin.

Still. I think it's important, the Free Pass Five. And I also think it's imperative to include a Bonus Lesbian Pick, just in case. I mean, I am not a lesbian and don't foresee ever going that route, but should I ever find myself feeling Sapphic I need to know who I can choose without Bryan getting angry.

For a long time I had Audrey Tautou as my lesbian lover. I envisioned us drinking Orangina in bed and giggling. Oh Audrey, I would say, you are tres mignon! And she would wrinkle her funny little French nose at me and protest. Non, non, tu est ma petite chou! she would respond, and I would have no idea what she said.

But then a few years ago I was in New York on business and rode up in the elevator at my hotel with Audrey. And she was TINY. Not just small-framed but ridiculously small in a large black coat. Meek. I spent the interminable elevator ride staring at the lit numbers and thinking that there is no way she could be my lesbian lover; we could never share clothes. I would break her.

So I reconsidered my Lesbian Bonus Pick and landed on a woman I could not break: Salma Hayek.

I'm not saying she's a lesbian herself or anything (although there are rumors) but it seems like she would know what to do (because I sure as hell wouldn't). She is fiery and strong, beautiful even with a Frida Kahlo monobrow. Even with a beard.

Salma would pronounce my name Sussana, she would braid my hair and we would listen to Spanish guitar in bed and eat flan. In some ways, she is more sure than any of the men on my Free Pass Five. She is the right age, straight up beautiful and looks like she smells nice. Not only would Bryan not get angry but I think he would downright approve. It's too bad I'm not a lesbian.

So there's my Free Pass Five plus Bonus Lesbian Pick. It's Wednesday, Hump Day. Who are yours?