Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Happy Hump Day! The Sexy People Edition.

Mostly I find humanity disgusting, all those mustaches and guts, sweat, sebum, bad tee shirts and toenails grown too long. But every now and then I see something that does not even begin to apologize for itself and it is then that I find humanity endearing, the ugliness of the human race forging on with a grimace against a sponge-painted backdrop and crystalline skies.
Meet Pretty People, a website dedicated to the perfect portrait. Last night I spent much too long picking out my favorites…

Royal Aspirations.

Cousins.

A suggestive wedding portrait. With lace.

Oh. Oh dear.

Oh dear, male.

And lest you think I am being a snob, well, okay, fine. I am being a snob but I am a snob that harbors my own perfect portrait gone hideously awry, so there. Or here. Yes, here, behold:

Channeling Kenny Loggins and Loretta Lynn...


There is no explanation, just this: this gem was taken years ago before Bryan and I got married. Bryan’s mom had taken the whole family plus me to one of those portrait studios in the bad mall, you know, the mall with the Hot Topic store and the teenagers battling cystic acne? The photographer was 18 and wore an elf hat and for what seemed like eternity she posed us in clusters calling out, okay now big sister get behind big brother, put your hands on his shoulders! And smile! Remember you love big brother! And oh how I wanted to freak out the little elf and turn my big brother Bry around by his shoulders and make out with him, tongue and all. Perhaps this would not have surprised her much. Perhaps she had seen much worse in her gig as photog to the stars of the bad mall. Perhaps she would have kept on shooting, a chain store Diane Arbus who recognizes that all of society is a franchised fringe.

Something tells me that Diane Arbus wouldn't have swallowed handfuls of barbituates and slashed her wrists if she had access to Sexy People. Because I'm telling you, seeing all of these photos with feathered hair and parasols? Something about it, well, it just redeems humanity in all its pathetic glory.

Happy Hump Day!

7 comments:

Megan said...

I love it. You and your Big brother were destined for Big Love. Sexy, sexy love. You can just laugh at all the brother-sister love detractors when you show them your perfect portrait. How can this love that dare not speak it's name be wrong when a lumberjack and a coal miner's daughter look so blissful?

sherri said...

That is so awesome. That reminded me of one (of several) horrible family portraits from my own past. I think we all have at least one. Thanks for sharing yours.

zakary said...

Oh my, this has me cracking up!

JackeeG4glamorous said...

You my dear are one Brave, brave soul.

Does Uncle Kenny send birthday cards? With money?

Melissa said...

Didn't that last twin photo seem a bit REDRUM?

The Lil Bee said...

You are LYING!!! OMG that is hysterical! I love the cousins one the best. All that's missing are the matching cans of Schlitz beer.

Be the change..... said...

I don't think that picture of you guys is that bad! It's cute! I love 'oh dear' -the first one. All I could think was 'oh dear'!