Wednesday, October 14, 2009

3 Things That Scare the Candy Corn Outta' Me (Plus One Thing That Doesn't)

In honor of the impending Halloween holiday I thought I'd make today's Hump Day edition a wee bit piss your pants (cue the cackle of Vincent Price followed by the high-pitched and prideless scream de moi).

First off: Clockwork Kid. Equal parts awesome and oh no. I mean, my eyes! MY EYES! Seriously. Have I ever told you about my silicone implants? Not of the breasticular variety but in my eyes. Turns out my tear ducts are too large causing my eyes to dry out, hence I have silicone implants plugging my tear ducts. (The very thought of Clockwork Orange makes me want to spackle vaseline straight into my too dry eyes.) GAH.
Then this. Whatever this is. Sea mucus? *shudder* Is there a worse word than mucus? I mean, aside from cunt or turd or moist? Mucus. (She emitted a moist turd of mucus from her cunt = the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog of words that just should not exist.) Well, thanks to climate change, jello-like sheets of disease-carrying mucus are spreading across the ocean killing sea life, and this marine mucilage may also be fatal to humans. IT'S THE BLOB PEOPLE! (Freud would be proud: I accidentally wrote IT'S THE BLOG PEOPLE! And then I went on to wish it was a penis.)
And then this man. No, really--THIS THIN-LIPPED UNIBROW MAN. Have you ever seen him before? In your dreams, maybe? Take a close look because even though my eyes feel like cornflakes from that Clockwork Kid pic I am afraid to sleep because of him:
Long story short, "in 2006, the patient of a well-known psychiatrist draws the face of a man that has been repeatedly appearing in her dreams. In more than one occasion that man has given her advice on her private life. The woman swears she has never met the man in her life.
That portrait lies forgotten on the psychiatrist’s desk for a few days until one day another patient recognizes that face and says that the man has often visited him in his dreams. He also claims he has never seen that man in his waking life.
The psychiatrist decides to send the portrait to some of his colleagues that have patients with recurrent dreams. Within a few months, four patients recognize the man as a frequent presence in their own dreams. All the patients refer to him as THIS MAN.
From January 2006 until today, at least 2000 people have claimed they have seen this man in their dreams, in many cities all over the world: Los Angeles, Berlin, Sao Paulo, Tehran, Beijing, Rome, Barcelona, Stockholm, Paris, New Dehli, Moskow etc.
At the moment there is no ascertained relation or common trait among the people that have dreamed of seeing this man. Moreover, no living man has ever been recognized as resembling the man of the portrait by the people who have seen this man in their dreams." That there is some freaky shit, right? I am so taking two Excedrin PM's tonight.

But not to worry. Out of the Associated Press this week came a story titled, "Mayans: The world won't end in 2012, so please stop asking us about it."

Happy Hump Day.


krista said...

oh man, if i dream about that guy tonight...i mean, seriously, that drawing of him freaks me out and then i went to the website and looked at the other drawings and got even more freaked out. why is he so creepy looking?

Richie Designs said...

the clockwork orange kid is BRILLIANT, because I'm twisted like that.

the whole mucus conversation made me laugh but grossed out

Sarah - La Jeune Marie said...

Is it totally messed up that I think that kid is otherwise adorable? Anyone??

my favorite and my best said...

clockwork orange kid= massive crush!

pussy boogers are everywhere.

i will kick that dude's ASS if he ever comes to me in my dreams! seriously..i will karate chop that unibrow in half like a board.

ZDub said...

The drawing of that guy looks just like a teller that works at my bank.

He's really, really nice.

Anonymous said...

"This Man" looks like Neil Diamond to me... just sayin'

Anonymous said...

aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!! for christ's sake miss susannah???!! as if my pharmacist doesn't see me enough during the for more ativan.

Simply Mel said...

I'm so blaming you if I dream of this freak tonight!

Jules said...

Aaaah! The mucus thing is gross, but I think the ocean is terrifying. When you open your eyes under water, you can't see the end. Shudder.

The man? That is scary. I don't need to know about things like this--my imagination is active enough as it is!

Duel Living said...

"This Man" looks like the little person in the "Twin Peaks" movie...kinda.
The sea jizz is groooossss!
The "Clockwork Orange" kid is awesome...if only he was carrying a giant penis with which to beat "this man" over the head.

regardez moi said...

She emitted a moist turd of mucus from her cunt.

This sentence is why you are my favorite. And also why I just dry heaved.

Robin said...

I'm with Mel, if I dream of This Man tonight it is all your fault.

That aside, this is one of my Top Ten Petunia posts.

Oonafey said...

I actually got chills reading about the thin-lipped man. Freaky shit.

Patois said...

I'm not entirely sure how you got a picture of my dad, but I really wish you'd take it down.

That mucus bit really has made me sick. Thanks for that.

jen said...

My husband thinks it's hilARious and odd that I hate the word "moist" but really, is there another that brings out the shudders so very well? No.