3 Things That Scare the Candy Corn Outta' Me (Plus One Thing That Doesn't)

In honor of the impending Halloween holiday I thought I'd make today's Hump Day edition a wee bit piss your pants (cue the cackle of Vincent Price followed by the high-pitched and prideless scream de moi).

First off: Clockwork Kid. Equal parts awesome and oh no. I mean, my eyes! MY EYES! Seriously. Have I ever told you about my silicone implants? Not of the breasticular variety but in my eyes. Turns out my tear ducts are too large causing my eyes to dry out, hence I have silicone implants plugging my tear ducts. (The very thought of Clockwork Orange makes me want to spackle vaseline straight into my too dry eyes.) GAH.
Then this. Whatever this is. Sea mucus? *shudder* Is there a worse word than mucus? I mean, aside from cunt or turd or moist? Mucus. (She emitted a moist turd of mucus from her cunt = the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog of words that just should not exist.) Well, thanks to climate change, jello-like sheets of disease-carrying mucus are spreading across the ocean killing sea life, and this marine mucilage may also be fatal to humans. IT'S THE BLOB PEOPLE! (Freud would be proud: I accidentally wrote IT'S THE BLOG PEOPLE! And then I went on to wish it was a penis.)

And then this man. No, really--THIS THIN-LIPPED UNIBROW MAN. Have you ever seen him before? In your dreams, maybe? Take a close look because even though my eyes feel like cornflakes from that Clockwork Kid pic I am afraid to sleep because of him:

Long story short, "in 2006, the patient of a well-known psychiatrist draws the face of a man that has been repeatedly appearing in her dreams. In more than one occasion that man has given her advice on her private life. The woman swears she has never met the man in her life.
That portrait lies forgotten on the psychiatrist’s desk for a few days until one day another patient recognizes that face and says that the man has often visited him in his dreams. He also claims he has never seen that man in his waking life.
The psychiatrist decides to send the portrait to some of his colleagues that have patients with recurrent dreams. Within a few months, four patients recognize the man as a frequent presence in their own dreams. All the patients refer to him as THIS MAN.
From January 2006 until today, at least 2000 people have claimed they have seen this man in their dreams, in many cities all over the world: Los Angeles, Berlin, Sao Paulo, Tehran, Beijing, Rome, Barcelona, Stockholm, Paris, New Dehli, Moskow etc.

At the moment there is no ascertained relation or common trait among the people that have dreamed of seeing this man. Moreover, no living man has ever been recognized as resembling the man of the portrait by the people who have seen this man in their dreams." That there is some freaky shit, right? I am so taking two Excedrin PM's tonight.

But not to worry. Out of the Associated Press this week came a story titled, "Mayans: The world won't end in 2012, so please stop asking us about it."

Happy Hump Day.
xo,
Susannah