Wednesday, August 5, 2009

What's Left of Me (And Yes, I Am Quoting Nick Lachey. So?)

Now here's a video that makes me feel downright incompetent. Get this--this woman can breastfeed her baby while standing on her head and doing the goddamn splits, while I could just barely feed Zoey a few drops of breastmilk while sitting on my couch with a baby blue Boppy and kneading my boob that never once got engorged. (And before you get all Fenugreek on me, believe me, I tried it all. Mother's Milk tea, blessed thistle, alfalfa, La Leche League on speed dial, I choked down Guinness, turned around in circles three times under a full moon and hooked myself up to a hospital grade pump while staring at my tiny baby that just wasn't thriving. The low point came one day while Bryan was at work leaving me at home with a very new Zoey. I sat on the couch where it seemed I had not moved since returning from the hospital and I held tiny Zo with her little smurf face and wept over a Nick Lachey video. A Nick Lachey video. I'll let that sink in. You know the one? Where he is breaking up with his lady friend as she gradually fades away from the house? Somehow I knew that Nick Lachey being half the man he thought he would be was intricately connected to me not being able to breastfeed, that these were both signs that the earth was surely dying and I called Bryan at work absolutely sobbing. In hindsight, perhaps I suffered from a touch of post-partum depression, I don't know.)

Good god that was a long paranthetical ramble. So here you are:

Something tells me Zoey turned out just fine, though, despite all that formula she ingested from bottles fairly swimming in BPA and oh-no-she-di'int. Because here is my little yogi chanting her own made up mantra of Om something something peace! Namaste for roughly two seconds (the time it takes a three year old to fully meditate):

On a side note: I just watched the link of that Nick Lachey video and is something wrong with me? Did my hormone levels never return to normal because fuck me if that doesn't still bring a tear to my eye.

Om something something peace (out). Happy Hump Day mothersuckers.


I ♥ You said...

This is so timely - I went to a 3 hour breast feeding class last night. Man this seemingly simple act looks like a lot of work. And one poor girl asked - in a mixed company group of about 30 "how do you know if you have inverted nipples?" to which I thought well, if you have to ask.......

Petunia Face said...

Oh that is the one thing that I wish I'd done! Take a breastfeeding class before I had Zoey. Because it is HARD.

I had a gay male lactation consultant--it was very strange to have a guy squeezing and manipulating my nipples. (Your boobs become nothing but tools, a means to an end and the end is green poop.) He deemed them perfect breastfeeding nipples but my milk just never came in. The lady at La Leche League told me that EVERYONE'S milk came in, that I needed to try harder, which just made me feel worse. So I'm here to tell you that yes, breast is best, but your baby will be better than fine if it doesn't work out!


Sarah Ring said...

When I got my boobs done, breast feeding was the first question out of everyone's mouth. I consulted my doctor about it and he was very open with the fact that I may not be able to after the surgery. I'm not ready for children yet, but do sometimes wonder if when I do have them, will I potentially miss out on a huge connection with my child because I selfishly got a boob job in my 20's?? I guess we'll find out.

Oona Johnson said...

This video is distubing.

Laurie Stark said...

The part that makes me cry is when that sweet under-cabinet wine glass holder disappears. That shit is nice.

And I'm a big fan of breastfeeding, but sign me up for a lifetime supply of whatever formula you fed Zoey. Because it did good.

Anonymous said...

From Jackie Chan Look-alike:

My step daughter was breast fed til she was 6. La Leche thought that was great. I think that tells you a lot about them.

I have to know..., who taught Zoey about meditation? I don't remember you as a big namastayer. Was it your pops or have you become a regular at the Zen Center?

Finally, would it be okay if I took Miss Zoey from you? I'll get you another cat or something. Whaddya say? Come on. I'll be your best friend.

ZDub said...

The first video cracks me up.

The second video is awesome and Zoe is obviously a way better zen master than I ever could be.

Also, I am going to steal that pillow because I LOVE IT.

Simply Mel {Reverie} said...

The fact that your 3-year old is chanting and knows something about yoga signifies that you are one hell of a mama!

Petunia Face said...

Zdub--the pillow is from Anthropologie. I got it marked down from $128 to $19!

Jackie Chan Look-alike, aka best name ever--Part of Zoey's pre-school curriculuum is yoga. I kid you not. That's Marin. And you can totally take Zoey if you get me one of those domesticated wild cats, I think they're called Savannahs? My brother and his wife just got one and they are so freaking beautiful!

xo everyone (off to nap with the Zo),

ashley morgan said...

Zoey saying "Namaste" is one of the cutest things I've ever seen. I have to go watch it again.

Kacey said...

I just have to say that if you could see my husbands face when I come laughing hysterically towards him trying to describe yet another thing I have read on "Petunia Face"that has me cracking up at least every other day.Especially,since he has yet to learn exactly what or whom "Petunia Face"is,not to mention trying to describe things like upside down breastfeeding yoga mothers or things that look like spools that you put in ur butt crack so that it can tan,just dont translate well,especially to a husband like mine whos very down to earth and not at all into the crazy,fun stuff I like to read and look at.So keep doing what u do so I can keep freaking him out and he can keep walking away shaking his head and looking perplexed,and wondering why he married such a strange girl like me,lol.

mosey (kim) said...

I wonder if that mom fell over as the video cut? Or was that just a regular happenstance in her world? Breastfeeding was ultimately rewarding, but one of the most stressful things at which I've ever persisted - I gave up on a daily basis.

Your daughter is awesome.

Heather said...

That woman is a superwoman. I used to watch "Law & Order" reruns while attempting to nurse my twins while swearing so much I thought their first word was going to be f*ck.

I think I have to tune into that video of Zoey any time I feel tense. Instant relaxation. So sweet.

Up Mama's Wall said...

Oh my God that yoga/breast feeding video. I am simultaneously repelled and jealous. I had a hell of a time breast feeding my twins--for a year I gave them the measly dribbles I could produce and supplemented with formula.
I never did try standing on my head while doing the splits though.

Annie Crowninshield said...

A very clasy girlfriend of mine called me frantically from a few time zones ahead. "You've got to get home!! Turn on your Tivo. There is a special on Mtv that no one should miss!"

Two glasses of red wine and a fistful of kleenex later Nick Lachey's one hour special debuting his new single and giving the back story on his broken heart came to an end. But thanks to the miracle of Tivo it was beginning all over again! I watched it twice.

And so it came to be that on her next visit out we drove the PCH to Moonshadows and sat as close to the table where he gave his interview as possible. We ordered exactly as he had (blood mary's) and we shamelessly gushed about love.

Hello, my name is Annie and I un-apologetically like sappy (borderline bad) love songs.