Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Bitter: Party of One

So Susannah skips the country to go get a tan, relax on the beach and get drunk off magnificently over the top cocktails in coconut shells. And here I am. Blogsitting. No vacay in sight. No vacay in hindsight, either. So yeah, I’m bitter.

But then again I am nearly 6 months pregnant and squeezing these cheeks into a bathing suit would probably put me in violation of standard beach conduct on several continents so – till then my cup of tea is my mojito, my desk chair is my chaise lounge, my maternity get up is my itsy bitsy bikini and my sun is the fluorescents beating down overhead.

Hola readers of dear Petunia Face! We’ve probably met before as I have guest blogged for Susannah on her last jaunt out of Marin. I’m Paige and my blog, I Heart You, can be found here. Things I love, in no particular order, are:

Gossip Girl
Cute Shoes
Strawberry Milkshakes
John Krasinski
Seinfeld Reruns
80’s Power Ballads

So now that we are acquainted – let’s get to business. First things first – what is this woman smoking?

Kate Gosselin of some reality show I’ve never seen or heard about till now thinks that everyone wants her hairdo.

What I have to say about this: BWWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAHHHAAA!! (My apologies if you think this cut rocks, have this cut or have ripped pages out of last week’s People to take to you hairdresser to get this cut.) I just don’t get it. It’s like a reverse mullet. A really bad, extreme Posh. The hair equivalent of the El Camino - normalish in the front, fucktardary in the back. The 'Camino became defunct in 1987 as this haircut should have. Do you agree? Weigh in readers.

Other things of random note – I think I may need to buy these to get me through the next 3.5 months.

Yes, they are Crocs. No need to remind me how hideous and tragic they are. I am aware. Crocs are something that I believe should only be worn in the privacy of your own home (if you must) and are only acceptable in public on children under the age of 10. But you see, my feet kill. I wear a size 5.5 shoe – sometimes an even 5 – and these days I feel like Miss Piggy – teetering all this pregnancy weight around on tiny, little hooves. My feet are the clear losers in this scenario – hence the Croc contemplation. Any suggestions for comfy footwear that isn’t totally wretch would be awesome. (My apologies to any earthy, crunchy, granola sister out there who thinks Crocs are the bomb. To each their own.)

So thanks for tuning in everyone! Sorry for my randomness today. I have pregnancy brain. I can’t think about anything other than I wonder if my pb&j sandwich would taste better if I actually put the Cheetos in there directly. I’m thinking yes. Did I mention this is breakfast? It is. Have a wonderful day and may you find yourself smiling from cheek to cheek!


The Lil Bee said...

Oh I adore you! So, here's what I'm thinking...if US Weekly puts Kate Gosselin on one more cover (I believe this is the fourth in a row), I might start boycotting. I mean, US is a fave toilet read in our house, but come on now...four covers about some jilted mom of 8 in the midwest?! No thank you.

Second, and more important, please do NOT get the Crocs! You have such adorable taste...I can't allow you to do such a thing. Try Reefs for flip-flops, espadrilles if you need a little height (I bought a great pair at Banana a few years ago that I still get complimented on), or flats...there are so many cute, cheap options on Piperlime, Endless, etc. I'm putting my size 8.5 foot down on this one, Paige!

Finally, have I mentioned how much I heart you?! Love seeing an extended post like this, in all its fucktardary. Later, gator:)

Luvs2dance said...

ALl I have to say is Kate Gosselin's hair is the reverse mullet... Party in the front + busniess in the back = reverse MULLET

Vanessa said...

Melisa, sadly, Kate and her atrocious reverse mullet are NOT in the midwest... They are dangerously close to my home in Philadelphia. It makes me oh so sad.
Second, do NOT get near the Crocs. You will become infected and soon after that you'll be getting Crocs because of some post-pregnancy reason. Then the reasons will keep coming and coming and there will be no stopping it. If your feet hurt that bad, really it's just better to kick your feet up and not stand at all for the next 3 months. Avoid them at all costs. I've been working on a post of all the things I hate the most (saving it for the right moment) and guess what's on the list? CROCS.

Lolo said...

You're growing an entire human being in your belly. I vote that you wear whatever makes you happy and the rest can fuck aaaawfff. Or, if you insist on being stylish and comfy then check out the Sofft line. So adorable but they're just as comfy (if not more) as any of the "sensible" ones.

The Gosselin do is a mashup of Flock of Seagulls and Wendy O. Williams (The Plasmatics) with a dash of Supercuts thrown in. Susannah makes me smile, Gosselin makes me bitter.

Cupcakes and Cashmere said...

haha amazing. i believe my aunt rocked that 'do back in 89. it was a mistake back then and it's still just as bad now.

Anonymous said...

No to the crocs! check these out:

i wore clogs thru both my pregnancies when nothing else was comfortable. they're much cuter than crocs too.

Sarah Danielle: Jeune Marie said...

Just say no to the crocs Paige!! For the love of all things stylish!

I *Heart* You said...

Yes, I expected to be berated over the Crocs. Trust me when I tell you that the fact that I even contemplated it hurts me more than it hurts you.

I just can't take the foot pain any more. My flip flops, flats and even Nike's are not giving me the cush this tush needs!

I will admit the only positive going on for the Crocs is their price. For $35 I can burn the motherfuckers after I birth this baby.

Magchunk said...

a) We share a love of GG and John Krasinkski. And I now have a craving to watch both (I don't care WHAT JK is in, I'll watch it on mute).
b) People WANT that hair?!? I've never watched her show, and frankly I think she probably deserves what she gets for parading her kids around on a reality show. And hello, didn't she watch "Newlyweds"? Take an adorable (or you know, whatever) couple, put them on tv, watch them disintegrate. Classic Reality TV physics.
c) Buy the crocs. You had me cracking up at your "hooves". hahaha. Better yet, go barefoot and buy an Airstream.

SGM said...

Paige, I teetered around on hooves too during my pregnancy, and I did it without Crocs, but only because they didn't exist 7 yrs ago. I wore these NASTY Born mules that I did in fact throw out after my baby was born.

You have my blessing.

btw, I know people who freely admit they have the Kate Gosselin.

Michelle said...

This cracked me up, thank you!

Kate Gosselin has the worst hair. Ever. My guess? No one in the world has ever asked their stylist to make them look like that. Hell, she probably didn't either, but now she thinks it's a little spunky.

the girL said...

she actually thinks people want her hair!? she's f*ing crazy!

go for the crocs. i'm not a fan but i've also never been pregnant either so i say do whatever is gonna make those feet happiest!


Amy said...

Totally agree about the haircut - I am so sick of hearing about Jon & Kate - if I gave a crap I would watch the show - seriously!!!

Jessica said...

Oh I loved your guest post. I am totally subscribing to your blog in Reader right now!

Oh and I don't personally support the "croc" but you're preggers and your feet hurt... go work that out. If you think they will help then go for it!

Anonymous said...

I love your blog, and I think you put Susannah's perfect spin on petunia face today. i freakin hate that hair cut on kate- and i hate crocs- you only have a few more months to suffer so dont do it! (uggs has some pretty cute summer sandals)

regardez moi said...

Okay cutie patootie pregnant lady... if you are going to by Crocs, I insist you buy these .

I have them. They are super comfy but also cute. And they are cheap. And you can buy a bajillion different colors. And you can throw them in the wash. Viola!

Also, I'm not pregnant but cheetos and pb&j sounds delish. I think that just makes me fat.

regardez moi said...

Wait a minute! When I bought them they were $25!!!! They now seem to be $49.99. What the WHAT?

I'm so mad at you Crocs. Maybe you can find that style cheaper elsewhere...

Robin said...

Have not tried PB & Cheetos, but PB & Doritos is the best junk food ever!

I did not succumb to crocs when I was pregnant (and trust me, I am not a stylish as you!) I promise there are better options. Do you have a Clark's store near you? I had a pair of ballet flats that got me thru those last, painful months. I think they sell them at Nordstrom, too. Good luck!

beachbungalow8 said...

no, no, no on the crocs. I've done 'pregnant' twice and it's not excuse to skip being 'hot' and 'hip'. I mean next you'll be telling us that you got the kate plus 8 cut because, 'well it's convenient, and with the baby, who has time to mess with their hair'?

loved your post.

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

Oh Lordy!

Backwards Mullet and El Camino are so damn witty. Thanks for making me smile for the first time today. and its 3:40. Shitty Shitty Day!

Jules said...

Be careful with Crocs--you claim that you will burn them after the baby, but you won't. Therein lies the dilemma with buying extreme comfort clothing. It's a slippery slope, indeed.

Great job on the post. :)

Kamryn said...

Loved your randomness and the smiley butt photo. Nice touch. Not sure what style of sandals you're looking for, but I Heart Yellowbox flipflops. It's like a party on your feet. I also hate Kate's hairdo and mullets make me think of Joe Dirt.

Anonymous said...

It's really an insult to the El Camino to liken Kate Gosselin's hair to one. That hairdo is truly beyond words (as are Gosselin's delusions of grandeur)!

krista said...

dude. if i had eight babies i, too, would rock a reverse mullet.
while wearing crocs.
i was pregnant in winter so i rocked my ugg boots the whole time, much to the dismay of my love interest. i told him i would also don a miniskirt and a trucker hat just to keep the los angeles trend alive and well and he smiled at me with that same smile that meant:
only because you're pregnant, crazy motherlover, only because you're pregnant.
such an awesome post. i'm so glad susannah introduced me to you.

I *Heart* You said...

Yay everyone! Thanks for all the love. I had a blast blogging for Sus and you guys! Please come on over to my blog any old time. We will have fun and ruminate over things far more pressing than my fat feet! xoxo

Aunt_B said...

Ok, if you ever want to feel better about being being a mother, wife, woman, friend or human just watch one episode of Jon and Kate plus 8. That woman is so vile that I often-times watch an episode to remind myself of how much I hate her! Seriously, her fugly hairdo is beautiful in comparrison to her personality. I'm not even lying!!

As for your poor tiny little feet, for the love of sweet baby jesus please don't wear crocs. Flats, flip-flops or some cute sneakers, ANYTHING would be better than Crocs.

Loved your post btw!!

Anonymous said...

I think her hairdo looks like a skunk.

Lauren From Texas said...

Hahaha. I really don't mind HER, but her hairstyle is pretty terrible. She'd look so much better if she lost it and got a cute bob instead.

Michelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michelle said...

have you ever heard of "Sanuk's"? i fully stand by them to be the comfiest shoe on the planet. i wear mine all day, everyday. try on a pair before you get the crocs!

and i say put those cheetos right in that pb&j! i'm not even pregnant and i want to do it!

Anonymous said...

Crocs is now making some shoes that actually look like shoes. They have a new YOU line that is made with fine leathers and heels and such, but with the same materials on the inside, hidden away where noone has to see it. You should check it out on their website. Also, if you want a less expensive option, they have some slingbacks and ballet flats and wedge heels that look fairly decent. I wear the slingbacks to work at a fine dining restaurant as a server, and noone would ever spot them for Crocs. Just watch that you avoid the styles with the label tags or the fucktarded little croc buttons. I also have some Mary Janes that were discontinued, but they're slim fitting and delicate and adorable.

Nomad said...

people should stop trying to copy Kate Gosselin's hairstyle; she's one of the few people in the world who can pull it off