Friday, February 6, 2009

Hire Me. Or Don't. Totally Your Call.

Just once I'd like to walk into an interview wearing jeans and flip flops, maybe my pajamas if it's a particularly rainy day. I'd toss my resume and portfolio onto the table, ask for a hot chocolate (with miniature marshmallows!) and say, "With all due respect, you know my credentials, my experience, what college I went to and that I was laid off from my last job. And the one before that, true, true, the economy sucks and you've got me! I surrender! But here's the thing: I can do this job, easy-peasy lemon-squeazy. Done, eyes-closed, one arm tied and in Cantonese. I will arrive each day with a good attitude, fresh bagels if it's Friday and it's my turn. I will get the work done and then some. I will sign the birthday card for Mike in Marketing complete with a smiley face even though we all know he's an ass. I won't get smashed at the holiday party, nor will I leave my leftover pasta in the break-room fridge for weeks on end. I will wash my own coffee cup. Hell, I don't even drink coffee, true story. I will meet the bottom line fiscal goals and soon my conversation will be littered with the company-speak of this particular organization, even if that means using architect as a verb. Because I am a team player, and I like to architect a strong company morale. See? Did you see that? This is one out-of-the-box team playa.'So please--don't ask me about a situation in which I took initiative; don't ask me to describe what motivates me, to give an example of how my communication skills are used on the job, if I would describe myself as a leader. Because the answer is yes. Oh, sure, I'll talk my way in and around the question and you'll sit there taking notes, nodding, and I won't know when to stop talking and maybe I'll just sort of trail off with a weak smile on my face, so let's just cut the crap. Whatever the right answer is, that's what I said. Yes. Done. Hire me, or don't. Totally your call." And then I will shake the interviewer's hand and ask where the bathroom is because I really have to pee. See, usually I hold it because nobody wants an employee with a bladder, right? But no. Just once I'd like to actually ask where the bathroom is, after that hot chocolate and all.
I am just so tired of trying to impress people.
I'm telling you: it's a good thing I'm married because I would suck at dating. Like 43 cats suck.
Yesterday's interview was good. And then I came home and put on some really ugly pajamas, black socks and stuck a spinach leaf in my teeth because I wanted to look unpresentable. I didn't even eat the spinach; I just stuck a little on my front tooth and then watched my Tivo'ed season finale of A Double Shot at Love with the Ikki Twins. (And here I must digress: I feel terrible for Rikki! That shovel face Trevor said he loved her and then chose Vikki! What the Six of Nikki is going on with that??!)
So here's the thing. I also had a phone interview yesterday, very casual, more informational than anything. It's for an internet type deal-i-o, social networking, building communities and all that hoodoo voodoo. Mum's the word, if you catch my drift. I professed my passion for the www, for the support and community I've found through blogging; I professed my passion for you. And now the guy wants to see my blog. Which is totally fine if he were to read this post or this one or this one. But maybe not this one or this one, know what I mean? But I can't very well send him bits and pieces; he asked for the url. So essentially I am going to interview in pajamas and tell him I need to pee. And right about now he might be reading this. Hello. Don't worry--I'm wearing a bra.
And this is where you come in. I'm tired. There is no more hiding. He has my resume. I'm at home with Zoey today and we have plans to make cinnamon streusel. From a box. Bryan is sick. It's raining. Without knowing any specifics, please leave a comment and tell him why I'd be good at the job. Why you read me, why you visit this far-out corner of the www, why me.
Why not?
Happy Friday.
*Image source unknown. Please claim if yours and I will happily credit you.


just a girl... said...

wow, you are a lot braver then I would be. Give her the job because she is honest and a real person. She tells it like it is and seems truly committed. Also in a down economy you should be happy that someone is still reaching out with such enthusiasm.

Oh and she can spell which I can't. Good Luck Missy.

Jennifer said...

The question is why shouldn't he hire you? Really, you're passionate, articulate, smart, sensitive, wonderful, fabulous, funny and awesome. And a bunch of other things too. All good, I swear!

Susie said...

Because even though I don't know you, I come to your blog every day hoping it's updated, offering me a small break from my 8-5. Because you're funny and honest. Because you are a good writer. Because you are someone people wish they knew in real life. Because you are real.

jane said...

your blog is great. i laugh. i cry.
you write things like "like 43 cats suck." which is right on, and perfect, and something i would not think to write, but love to read.
good luck on the job. it's hard to look for one. harder than dating. i hope you get one you are passionate about.
have fun being at home, while you're there.

Thao & Dan said...

I read you every day, Susannah. It goes without saying that you're a good writer. But you're also captivating, honest, and wildly witty. You're the girl everyone wants to befriend, the one with the side-splitting wisecracks, the astute observations, and the sterling sense of self. You would be an asset to any one.

Tess said...

I read because I never know what I'll get here, I just know I'll like it. You're like a new HBO series, or a new David Sedaris book, or one of those mini-cheesecake samplers from Costco.

amy b.s. said...

Because I read this blog every day with hope that it's updated. It's honest. It's relatable. It's wonderful. You have an amazing sense of reality and how to describe it in a way that is personal to every reader. Whatever the job, I know you will excel at it and impress. So, employer-man, just consider what you would be giving up if you don't hire her and how much you will gain when you do. It's worth it.

I *Heart* You said...

Susannah should be hired for more than just the typical reasons someone should be hired - you know, trust, qualifications, chemistry etc. She's talented, creative and relatable. She's passionate and committed to working hard and doing a good job because she loves her family and wants amazing things for them. She's fearless in her pursuit of communication and understanding and is savvy with words and imagery. She has a thick skin and can roll with the punches and can still approach life with a positive and humorous outlook. As someone with a blog, I know that a person's blog is just a snippet of who they are but when you read Susannah's you get the feeling you have known her since grade school. If you pass her up, look her over or decide to go in a different direction, that's your choice but you will never know what you're missing. HIRE HER!!!!!

monkey said...

aw, feck. job dating blows.
and, my lady, i have an even bigger crush on you for writing that interview monologue that should be in a movie. you know, the kind of movie where you get hired because of it.

dear prospective employer,
if you've read this far and haven't decided to hire her, then there is nothing i can tell you.
the end.


mamacita said...

Susannah would be great at any job, because she is a mom. Seriously, what could be harder than that? Nothing. Social networking? Initiative? Responsibility? Leadership? Motivation? On time and under budget? All in a day's work, my friend.

Shelton said...

de-lurking to tell you i read your blog because it's just plain wonderful. your gorgeous storytelling and hilarious internet finds keeping me looking for the new post each day. i don't remember how i found you several months ago, but ever since that day (when i spent who knows how many hours devouring your archives) i've been hooked.

this guy would be all kinds of crazy not to scoop you up. pronto.

Petunia Face said...

Oh how I love you guys. I should have done this months ago, if not just to get a job but to boost my self-esteem. Yes, I know this was unabashedly fishing for compliments, but it's for a cause! Employment!

When I do get hired, here or elsewhere, drinks are on me. You heard it here first--I don't know what exactly but I will do some sort of grand giveaway to express my gratitude. (Now, not only am I fishing for compliments, but I'm buying them. So?)

Thank you, thank you.

Anonymous said...

I come here because of the honest, smart,deep writing. Such a wonderful use of language. I just love this blog! You deserve the best of jobs!

Simply AnonyMom said...

I come to your blog to read and to laugh and to cry. I come here to read the words tha tI wish I had the courage to express. I come here because I feel some online friendship (even if only one sided) and makes me feel like I fit in because I have friends...they just live in my computer.

Anonymous said...

I don't know Susannah. I don't know anyone she knows. If we were friends on FACEBOOK we would be listed as having ZERO mutual friends. That being said, I wish that I did know this woman. I feel that she is my friend even though we have never met. I root for her. I about died when she got laid off...seriously, it was WORSE than when my husband got laid off. I love her observations on motherhood, girlfriendhood, unemployedhood and all the rest.

If you don't hire her it will seriously be your loss because she's the bomb, the shizz, the cherry on the sundae.

Petunia said...

What everybody else has already said AND:
She shows up for work here at her blog everyday and on time. Her post is always up before I am so that makes it right on time for me.

She doesn't bring bagels here but all this streusel talk makes me think I should go by a bagel.

She's a real person we all can relate to and love, even though many have never met her. Image how lucky you would be to know and work with her in real life! Yep, lucky for sure.

If this position requires the higher end of the spectrum brain cells, she's the one. She's smart! People who write well and can make other people laugh with their words are always smart people. It's not an easy thing to do.

She's serious about the things that are important but able to poke fun at herself. She can make us see ourselves in her words and gets us to laugh at ourselves as well! What a gift.

So, in ending my interview with you and all the reasons S. should be hired, let me refer back to all the questions you asked her in her interview with you. All the answers to those questions are right here on her blog written in black and white.

She's a leader: Her readers are intelligent women but not sheep. That being said, we follow her blog.

Is she a team player? Obviously. We are her team and we show up everyday to play here and to support her.

And for the rest of the answers you are looking for, just poke around here and read. You'll find them.

Now, go do the right thing!

Petunia said...

I think I just quoted Dr. Laura. *GROANS* So sorry.

MrsEm said...

Sheer genius. Pure, unbridled creativity. Dedication. Astute awareness. Brilliance!

Anonymous said...

I come here each day for a few minutes to break up my day - usually during afternoon coffee. You want this chick simply because all that stuff you can't teach but really need in an employee? It's already there. Hire her before someone else does.

Amanda said...

If it was my call, I'd hire you on the spot. Right here, this spot! It doesn't matter what I would have for oyu to do because i know you would do it with honesty and gusto.

However, since I work in Kansas and we deliver propane, I will let you, good sir, have her.

Black Dog Salvage said...

ditto to all the above

i'm actually surprised that an internet type deal-i-o has not snatched her up already... what took you so long? jump on it and hire the girl!

she is a wonderful breath of fresh air and is someone i look forward to reading every day.

good luck susannah!

Misplaced Country Girl said...

Why wouldn't you hire her? She's nothing short of brilliant. She makes me feel emotions I didn't even know I had when I read her blog. She's honest and vulnerable. Your company would be a better place because she was part of it. I would love to have her as a co-worker.

And the most important reason you should hire her is because she has good public bathroom etiquette.

You would be a fool to let this one get past you.

Ollie said...

I love reading this blog because I know I'm going to find something insightful here, something thoughtful and entertaining and makes my day a little bit better than before.

Please hire Susannah! She's a very special person and you would be lucky to have her.

Jessie said...

Susannah is not only capable, warm, and committed...

She is one of the most beautiful souls that I have ever come in contact with.

Don't think that's a legit qualitification?

Well then you're wrong.

Because it is.

Jenn said...

The reasons to hire you are all over your blog. You're honest, but you're not one of those honest people who makes the world doom and gloom for everyone else. You're honest when it's funny. You're honest when it's sad. You're honest when it's the hardest time to be honest.

So, if I were this guy, I'd hire you, because I think there are about a million companies out there who could really use someone who is honest, even when it's tough, and especially when it's funny.

That, and because you'll use architect as a verb. And maybe you'll use some of these phrases too. You know, if you really want to impress someone.

Courtney said...

Because she's probably the most honest and real person I know, even though I don't officially know her. She is always honest, whether what she's telling you is good or bad, and there's something to be said for that. I wished I worked with people who could tell it how it is - we'd be 10x more efficient without having to waste hours reading between the lines or playing games.

Richie Designs said...

Miss thang is the best.

If you don't hire her you would be nuts or fingers might fall off [or worse]. Really. Her readers have that much power and clout with the forces in the world.

She wears a mean set of PJ's and kicks some bootie with spelling and all that fine stuff that people like.

seriously though...

I visit because she tells the truth. Spinach and all

kelly said...

Because I have been reading this blog nearly every day for about a year and a half. I love it. This woman is extremely intelligent, creative, and RELATABLE! I love this blog, and as long as she keeps writing, I will keep reading.

Chris said...

Hire Susannah because your company needs people who are smart, willing to take a chance and also get the job done in the end.
Just cut through any corporate political-correctness and go for the bravest, smartest person for the job!

zakary said...

Because you WANT it. And you would be so very grateful.

(And you are rad.)

kristinimartini said...

hire susannah because obviously she has people skills. look how many people, me being one of them, who not only visit her everyday, take the time to rally for her. and not just today. she motivates people!

her internet research skills are spot on--have you SEEN the photos she comes up w/ to go w/ her fabulous writing?

devotion and loyalty? see this weeks post about her anniversary.

problem-solving, multitasking, negotiating, time-management? she's a mom so check, check and check.

and if i may appeal to you personally, you will have a lot of pissed off people in the internets if you don't hire her! just sayin':)

the girL said...

I am not a writer but I pretend to be by keeping a blog of my own. Every day I read Petunia Face and hope that I can some day come off as eloquent, insightful, honest and funny as you. Thanks for the continued inspiration.

solo nicole said...

i hate the question "what is your weakness"...mostly because it's such a canned question!

Amy said...

He should hire you because you are smart, honest, direct, funny, and really good at drawing and keeping an audience.

Anonymous said...

Because she will work her ass off for you. Because she will make your company money Because she gets along with others
Because she won't cause drama
Because the passion your team is lacking is brimming over in her

pat t said...

because you have courage. Knowing full
Well your prospective employer would
Be checking out your blog, you didn't
Hide behind some benile post. No- you took
The bull by the horns and took on the challenge
head on. Pretty much the trait you want
When heading up a project. No?

Business writing involved? Clearly, this
Woman can write. Enough said.

Charisma? Honesty, trust worthiness? Check,
Check, check

Ability to multitask? Have you ever
Met a mom who didn't? And sucessfully .

Desire and positive attitude? This is a person
Who has lost 2 positions in a short period
Of time. She still has her sense of humor,
And the belief that things will turn around.

Looking for a leader? You just read all the comments.
All intelligent readers who choose to spend free time
With her. And we don't even really know her.
Just think of team cohesiveness,morale, dynamics
And all the other buzzwords.

This person knows social networking. He'll, she's the
Epitome of social networking.

Just hire her.

hej said...

If this hiring bozo reads this blog and doesn't hire my daughter, then his brains are the size of his balls.

Otherwise, I have no opinion.

Vanessa said...

Dear Boss Man,
Susannah is my favorite blogger on a long list of bloggers. Her writing is phenomenal and she's so super funny. She's very humble and probably doesn't get that she's totally unique and smart.
Not hiring her would be a big mistake.

Robin said...

My words cannot come close to the amazing words Susannah shares with us every day, so all I can say is: you are lucky to have the opportunity to work with her, so don't mess it up!

Petunia Face said...

Without getting all hackneyed and Sally Fields, let me just say this:

I love you guys. I fucking love you.

Judy said...

Yoo-Hooo.....Hey, Mr. Hiring Man...or Ms. Hiring Person....psssssttt...over here, stay out of the light or you'll get me deleted...again. I'm Sus' Mom and I just KNOW this comment falls squarely and deeply into the realm of when/how/who (read never/in no way/ NOT to this person EVER)times when my delightful daughter has kindly suggested that I may not be the best person to speak in BIASED, I think she's dancing around. WELL! She has the delete button and my only hope is that I stay up much later and maybe she'll overlook this in the a.m.But I've been deleted many a time and it hardly even stings anymore-so what's my toe sketching out a line in the sandman's gritty trail...but it's not a hill I plan to die

I just want to say that all these fine people can't be wrong. Susannah IS all that and more. I have owned my own business and was good at it. I freaked out and panicked there at the end and screwed myself big-time, but, hey, that's how I got here (and, no, there are no locks on doors or soft-restraints involved where I am).
Susannah is the PERFECT hire in every way and any business would be deliriously happy to get her. Her talent is enormous and her loyalty, dedication, intelligence, humor and ethics are amongst those things she packs for work, right in there with her papier poudres and lip gloss. She's never without them. ALL THAT and so very much more...all good. Offer her the job because you'll never make a better hiring decision and because she needs it and deserves it...and because her Mom would really like you a lot if you did hire her, pay her and treat her well A Mother's job recommendation is right up there with lame...but, trust me, I'm no slouch even if I am a bit biased.
I'm heading off to the right and you're on your own. Nice to "meet you" if ever so briefly. If you hire Sus, then we'll all know you're a genious and hope to meet you in a year or so when the economy turns around and we can all resume work parties and retreats again. Go ahead and snap her up before someone else does because I have a feeling that this post is starting a sunami of internet sorts. Gotta run or be deleted in mid key stroke-humiliating! (Oh, and send my best to you and yours. Get home safely and get that Hire Letter in the mail-snail or.....ASAP!
Judy, Sus' Mom and Zoey's, Grandma Glitter (and, amazingly, a contributing member in both the professional venue and my own personal group. Here's to seeing you at the Next HOLIDAY Company Party!
Judy..Hell, offer her the job and you can call me Mom!

jae said...

I read this blog just as often as everyone else here, but this is the first time I have commented. I am going to hope that have quit reading all of these comments and already offered Susannah the job before someone else figures out how honest, funny, real....all the things said above...she is. However, IF you needed to read this far down into the comments, did you not recognize how ingenuitive she is. I mean really, tell me reading someone's blog comments is not a first for you in the hiring process. If Susannah can generate this, just imagine what she could do for your company.

Regardez Moi said...

WOW. That's so scary! That's not like walking into an interview in pajamas, that's like walking into an interview NAKED.

But really, HIRE THIS WOMAN! If you can't already tell from reading her blog, this woman is BRILLIANT. I don't even know her okay? I've never met her. But I'd hire her in a second. a millisecond!

Maggie May said...

holy guacamole!!! Hire Her and good things will definitely occur.

Gwen said...

I have worked with Susannah for years and it's unbelievable what she can pull out of the hat at a moments notice....besides that, she is completely professional, incredibly talented and smart, a team player, and gets the job done without a complaint or hesitation. Any company would be lucky to have her.

Mark Marinozzi said...

I have hired Susannah to blog for the company I work for. Were it not for the fact that our budget was cut for this year, I would hire her again in a heartbeat.

The subject wasn't necessarily something she regularly writes about, but nevertheless she jumped in and did a great job.

To not hire her is to pass up an opportunity.

kristinimartini said...

did i read that right? you got the job?!!!!?
oh, i'm so excited for you!!!
thanks mark!!
oh, and i like red wine that smells like poop(ya' know, for our celebratory drinks!)

kristinimartini said...

omg. i just had to go back and read that again, since i already have had some wine that smells like poop tonight. and it still reads the same. i am so proud of you:) you are so brave and inspiring.
*i think i'm tipsy blogging!*

Petunia Face said...

Kristinimartini--sadly, I think you're tipsier thank you think. :) Mark is my friend's husband who I've done some work for before, not the job I'm applying for now.

I still haven't heard from the job. No worries, though. It's the weekend.

Thank you all for so much love and support!

pam said...

I'm a subscriber because you're an amazing writer who is brave, and funny, and unpredictable. To clarify, I mean unpredictable in the good, exciting way, not in the bad , erratic performance way. Sometimes you make me happy, sometimes you make me uncomfortable(the unflinching honesty part), but you never make me bored, and I'm always curious to see what you're going to write about next.

Heather, said...

In a world gone awry with nicities about things that people have no reason to be nice about, this blog is refreshing. This blog tells it how it is, but leaves you with a smile on your face. This blog makes connections, ones that would normally seem random and tangential, seem perfectly logical.
This blog is written by someone who is wry and witty, smart and genuine. Pick her.

Rosalie said...

Uhm.....what everyone else said times a million.

Anonymous said...

Suzannah aint lyin about being the best employee any employer could hope for. and if your nice and hire her she will be nice to you back on her blog. if not she may trash you a little but who could blame her! She tells it like it is but is loyal and awesome. good luck !!

kt said...

great insight. incredibly intelligent. and a way with words that is nothing less than poetry.

Mollie said...

I don't know her at all! I just like what I read, that she is 'real' and I know that she makes me laugh.

coco+kelley said...

oh, gosh, i am always so afraid of that moment. or those moments. when they ask you the questions... what would you say your greatest weakness is? and i say, oh, you know. being awesome. it's really hard to be awesome ALL the time.


oh, and you should get this job because you keep it real. because you're an amazing writer. because every time i read a post i laugh or cry. and to create a connection that evokes that kind of emotion just through a blog? through the internet? that's amazingly hard. not to mention impressive. plus... damn. give the girl a break. she deserves one.

Maggie May said...


i gave you an award on my blog!
come see :)

maggie may

hmrubes said...

I can count on two hands the number of people that make me laugh and this blog is one of them (ok, I'm not so out of touch that I think a blog is a person, but you know what I mean). I read it every day and it makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it makes me laugh until I cry. Susannah is outrageously brave and honest. I feel like I've discovered something new and exciting. I am absolutely certain that Susannah and her sweet blog will be famous some day (or infamous!).

Feather said...

I f'ing love you, Suz! I can't stand the marketing lingo. My office likes to say, "That had a lot of texture to it." PLEASE! Paulie, being a teacher, can't deal with the stories I relay. That kind of "let's circle back and talk offline about that" shit just doesn't fly with seven-year-olds.

OK, now to the task at hand: Suzanne would be awesome. Hire her. If you don't, I will join her in a new reality show in which we document one sassy gal's interview process. The catch? She does totally inappropriate things, like flicks boogies and adjusts her bra and lifts up her left cheek to fart.

Hope that helps! My best endorsement yet:)

Miss B. said...

From your lips to God's ear... All about interviewing in pj's and getting some marhmallow + chocolate love...Good luck!!!

Visual Vamp said...

Amen sister.
Pass this one by. Bigger and better awaits you. I swear.
xo xo

Your Ill-fitting Overcoat said...

If I had a job and money to pay you, I'd hire you for just about anything. No-freakin-lie.

Anonymous said...

You are my heroine Petunia Face !

Yourblog made me cry tears of happiness and hopefullness

tone toni tony said...

hey, mr. interview man:

don't be intimidated by susannah leaving it to you to hire her. or not.

adept and agile.
witty and funny.
sincere and genuine.
loyal and trustworthy.
hardworking and accomplished.
warm and compassionate.
supportive and receptive.
loving and loved.

and that's on a stormy day!