Petunia Face Tutorial 1.0: How to Use the Blur Tool

You know that dream where you suddenly realize you have to take a math final but you've never even gone to the class? And you look down at the test, a mess of lines and squiggles intersected with numbers and letters where letters have no business being? And then you notice that not only do you not know any of the answers or even how to start but you're in a classroom of 30 other students who each have two sharpened #2 pencils while the nib of your pencil is a halo of ragged wood? And then you look down and see that you are sitting in a small metal school desk completely buck ass naked?

Yeah, that one. Well for the past week I have been living that dream, if you will. Please, let me to explain.

I am an asshole. First and foremost, that is important to understand. And I am feeling desperate. That is also important. The rest of the story is simply detail: I found a job I really want. The recruiter called me. He asked me questions. I answered yes. I smiled even though we were on the phone because apparently you can hear a smile and a smile sounds confident. Yes, I smiled maybe baring my teeth a bit too much. And then yes again. Smiled, nodded my head, yes, sure, uh-huh. And maybe in the course of that questioning I maybe kinda' sorta' said yes to a few questions to which I should have said no. Like yes, sure, of course I know Photoshop. Yes, Illustrator and I! Why, we go waaaay back! And I smiled with my eyes and said yes some more. Yes, I will come in for an interview. Yes, I know where that is! Tuesday, you say? Yes, sure, Tuesday is fine. And then the perfectly nice recruiter said yes back to me. Yes, great, I'm excited to meet you, yes sure, 9am for the interview. And then we'll give you a test on Illustrator and Photoshop.

No. Oh no.

And that is when I looked down and realized that maybe it's true that you can hear a smile through the phone but apparently you cannot hear nudity and lies, a woman with un-brushed teeth standing naked next to her un-made bed at noon on a Wednesday morning.

Because I don't know Photoshop and Illustrator.

I got off the phone and stared into my closet. I am such an asshole. Seriously. What nitwit lies about her skills and then is handed a test? Me, that's who. I had not made my bed but still I would have to lie in it. Or is it lay? I can never quite remember, but the point is: I was fucked.

And here is where the details get even fuzzier. I tried to teach the programs to myself. I cried. Bryan tried to teach me. He cried. Then it was Thanksgiving and across these great United States turkeys everywhere cried. On Friday I finally called the first listing I found on Craigslist for a computer tutor. I told him that I had to learn Photoshop and Illustrator in two days for a test for a job for which I am apparently unqualified. And then he cried. It might have been for me, maybe, I don't know, but he cried.

I had my interview and test today. I went into it with the simple hope that I wouldn't make a complete fool of myself. That the recruiter wouldn't kick me out, hucking a red Sharpie at my back as I scampered away sniveling. But here's the thing: I did okay. Better than okay even. I scored a 66 out of 70. When the recruiter showed me my test results I started laughing. In hindsight perhaps this was not the preferred reaction, but there you go. I did it.

Will I get this job? I'd be surprised if I do, but then again--life seems to be full of surprises. As for now, well, I'm taking off my clothes now and getting back in bed to nap while visions of vectors dance in my head.