Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Mardi Merde de Gras

Words cannot explain just how happy the above image makes me. Really, I am slightly pathetic today, a sad sack Fräulein of Schadenfreude feeling like a stuffed bratwurst with her casing much too tight. Last night I ate a stack of Oreos and then sat for 20 minutes wearing Crest Whitestrips. I am a contradiction, an After when I swear I used to be a Before.
Ne temps fait pas, mes petites. It's PMS. This too shall pass. Happy Tuesday, a Mardi Merde de Gras. If you type that phrase into freetranslation.com you get "Tuesday fuck of fatty one." Not quite what I meant but I like it even more. Say it with me now: Happy Tuesday fuck of fatty one! Or if you prefer your angst in German, (and really, who doesn't?) Glücklicher Dienstag ficken von fettig Ein!


Maggie May said...

ha! and ha!

i love your oreo and whitestrip night. yes. yes. yes.

and german! i just used German in a poem i wrote. (it is German, right?)

Unknown said...

are you pms-ing my friend?

Jessie said...

Ugh, maybe THAT'S my problem.

Even that lady's armpits got hotter.

At least your teeth are pearly and white!

dee said...

You are ME!

Heather, paperfollies.typepad.com said...

you crack me up, every damn day. thanks. (back to just lurking now.)

Amanda said...

They even photoshopped out her peeing in the shower. Really, check out the left photo.

The Fox Den said...

Your blog is entertaining, and if I could magically manifest myself into a better writer, I would choose your style: uninhibited, unadulterated ease of expression, and lots of love. Very inspiring.

mamacita said...

The first picture is 9000 times hotter than the second. The first one makes me want to lick her :-P

Judy said...

Well, thanks to this post/pixs reminding me, I now have ANOTHER magical fantasy to add to my long-term wish list...

I want my own,invisible, always at my beck and call..."Personal Airbrusher". Once I've done the best I can do with make-up, potions, hair, outfit, accesories, etc., I then want to have my "Personal Airbrusher" step in and "finish me" before I leave my house. I too want armpits as fine as the photos-not to mention the waist, boobs and abs!

But, alas, that fantasy goes on the list that includes things like:

1) When the kids were young and any of us had a question for homework or just a specific need and we didn't have a) the time or b) the reference resources to find the answer; we could always call the "Answer Person" at the local main county library. She could and did have the answers to almost anything we ever asked-and she was fast. My fantasy became that I wanted an "Answer Person" I could summon at any time who could not only answer trivia/general information questions, but more importantly, existential/philosophical/ethical/personal questions as well-all with the same sureness, speed and accuracy of the library woman. Can you imagine being able to call and get definite answers to questions like, "Should I tell my good friend that I saw her husband with another woman under questionable circumstances?", "Are some people born 'evil'...is it nature or nurture?". This answer person could even respond to questions like, "Do I really want to try being a 'redhead' for awhile. Will I regret it, too much upkeep, flattering to my coloring?" O.K., so that "Answer Person" doesn't exist but wouldn't it be great if he/she did?

2. I want the computer "Undo" feature on a pull down menu at my constant disposal for when I blurt out something totally wrong and want to take it back. Immediate, don't do anything else and hit the "Undo" feature-voila...taken back! Or when I do something stupid like spending years placing canned goods on the top cabinet shelf I can only reach by straining up on tip-toes, arm and fingers out-stretched to inch a heavy can off the shelf above my head so I can then catch it as if falls-knowing every time that one day, I'll miss and get cracked in the head by a heavy falling can...and then I do. "Undo" feature!

3. The last example on my magical fantasy list also has to do with computers. Those Norton Fix-It-All disks that reorganize and re-compartmentalize one's computer so that it becomes much more efficient and fast...and also "cleans" up any virus or problems impeding the smooth running of the machine...I want a Norton Disk for my brain to do exactly the same thing! Wouldn't it be wonderful?

That's only a few on my list and, now thanks to my daughter, I've added another one that would be great but won't happen. But I never stop hoping!
Love You!....Mom

Richie Designs said...

gawd I love photoshop!

I wish that someone would photoshop me through my entire day.

erase feature, possibly just a little blur some airbrush, every girl needs a little airbrush.

jen said...

Sadly, I'd be very happy with looking like the one on the left.