Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Not For Human Consumption

I think Ozzy is on bath salts. Symptoms include: taking off your clothes (check), superhuman strength (check), and irrational, paranoid behavior (check). Here is just a partial list of things that have set him off lately:

Me cleaning his face
Nacho wouldn't let him poke his eyes
He couldn't have the remote/my phone/the calculator/the box cutter
I made him get off the ladder
I don't know what "mees" means
I pulled him out of the dishwasher
I ate the cookie he placed in my mouth
I poured the milk too slowly
I still don't know what "mees" means
I wouldn't eat the cookie he put in my mouth
Nacho wouldn't let him poke his butthole
I didn't let him run into the ocean
I lifted him up off the floor of the restaurant/grocery store/sidewalk
Mees, woman! MEEEES!

When I asked his pediatrician about this behavior he said that the terrible two's are a misnomer, that acting out starts at 18 months, but I know better because I Googled "I think my son is on bath salts" and learned to "be on the look-out for small packets similar to those that contain moist towelettes." Wouldn't you know it, I found a stash of those in Ozzy's sock drawer. Shit just got real, yo.'

Lately I have been asking all the men that I encounter, what is up with you people? I mean, really. Bryan, my dad, the guys at my work...what is it with you and your need to throw rocks into puddles? Boy energy is no joke, the constant drive to move, run, jump, smack, dodge, laugh, chew, throw and to touch your penis. Pretty sure it's still there, mkay?

And then there is the way Ozzy kisses me, my little testosterone-addled climbing boo-yah of a boy. Let's not go into the image of him eating my face off, per se, though he is all open-mouthed and hot-breathed, the taste of puppy dog tails something wild and reckless and full of a love I have never, ever known.

Mees out,


krista said...

he is so damn cute. (and terrifying. i'm seeing signs of this with dash. you have validated my fears.)

Michelle M in KY said...

Ok, please tell me that Bryan is standing right in front of the fridge to catch this daredevil? And, also I am SO THRILLED that someone else's refrigerator is filled with pictures, drawings and letter magnets just like mine. What's up with all these people with clean refrigerators anyways???

Petunia Face said...

Oh yeah, Bryan is right there out of the frame of the camera.

Also? I don't trust people with no pics on their fridge. ;)

Archer said...

My Archer was like that starting exactly at 18 months. Not fun for me. But the good news is that those terrible 3's people speak of are already in the bag. He's getting it out of his system. Archer is 3 now and so much easier. Hang in there =)

Anonymous said...

My guys, twins, are 30 years old now but once you've lived with the personality type you described, changes you. I had to put a net over their cribs so they couldn't climb out at 10 months. They couldn't walk but they could and would climb. And the oatmeal had to be exactly the "right" height in the bowl. Oh my, you have got a long road ahead of you. If you don't know an orthopedist, you will. Good luck!

Sschraed said...

My son is going to be 2 next month and you have just described him. The energy is insane!! I always tell him that is lucky he is so damn cute!!! Into everything ALL the time!

Karen said...

Mother of two sons.

Adriene said...

I read this twice just to laugh and commiserate with you!