Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Truckin'

What in the world ever happened to sweet jane?

Well, let me tell you. Because sometimes life hands you a story that truly is stranger than fiction. And you don’t know where to begin, although disclaimers are always nice. DISCLAIMER: This story is only funny now, after she is clearly alright, healthy, unharmed. Please know that we immediately contacted medical professionals (plural), who told us she would be okay, that it just needed to work through her system. (Insert sense of foreboding here.)

Friday morning. Zoey and I woke up at my brother’s house at 7:00am. Everyone else is still asleep. At 7:30 my dad comes into the living room and says I can go back to sleep for a bit if I want, that he would watch Zoey. I want. I sleep. Apparently at 8:00 Zoey asks for Jello, having the razor-sharp memory of a child tracking the last place she had such a treat. Being a grandpa, my dad says yes, Jello is a fine meal to start the day, but cannot find it in the fridge. But stashed behind the acidopholus and vitamins he finds some chocolate macaroons and gives that to her instead. First one, then two, then three pieces. 8:15am. My brother wakes up and sees the chocolate wrappers on the coffee table. He storms into the kitchen yelling WHO ATE THAT CHOCOLATE? WHO?! My dad and Zoey are sitting at the table scarfing down bagels and dry Cheerios straight out of the box. Because of course on the wrapper in very fine print it lists the ingredients as shredded coconut, sugar, egg whites, bittersweet chocolate, cream, and the medical equivalent of 2.24 grams of dried cannabis sativa. You know, my brother has a bad back, insomnia or some such malady. 9:30am. I wake up.

This part of the story is boring. Me freaking out, pissed, scared, my brother stammering that he is so so sorry, that he called his doctor, a pharmacist, repeated assurances that Zoey would be fine, my dad giggling out apologies and referencing Hunter S. Thompson, then retiring to his room to take a nap. What is not boring but flat out wide-eyed funny strange (and funny ha ha only after she is okay) is a 4 year old stoned out of her mind. I took a video but after much soul-searching decided I do not want my daughter to be the new David After Dentist because the video would most certainly go viral. In it, she is cramming Cheerios into her mouth and laughing, laughing, waving one arm over her head and trying to talk. This went on all day. So instead of going to Disneyland on Friday we listened to Bob Marley, ate an entire box of dry Cheerios, a dozen bagels and watched cartoons. It is rare that the scariest thing that has ever happened in your life is also the funniest thing that has ever happened.

The next day we went to Disneyland. And as people ooohed and aaahhhhed over how cute the little Rapunzel girl was, we whispered to each other that if only they knew how high she had been not 24 hours before at the real happiest place on earth… She does not remember much of that day—her lost day—but has asked why we keep making such a big deal out of the chocolate.

And here is where I owe my mom an apology. I was so afraid that she’d be the one to misbehave. Little did I know that it would be my own father, the man with 19 years sobriety who would get my daughter high. And possibly himself since I’ve never seen him turn down a sweet, though he has denied, denied, denied.

Sometimes the lights all shinin on me;

Other times I can barely see.

Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip it’s been.

*LAST DISCLAIMER: I do not smoke pot, eat pot, get high on anything, really. I don't even drink. There is no marijuana in our home. Zoey is safe. It was just the perfect storm of highly accidental events featuring someone else's house, very fine print and a grandfather without his reading glasses which then led to a very scary incident that is only funny in hindsight.

30 comments:

Gini said...

BAHAHAHAHAAA! I just-- WOW! You did your due diligence and you knew she'd be fine. After that, all you can do is crack the eff up!

mrs m said...

i've finally stopped laughing and that is only because i've become sad that i too can't have some of that chocolate and spend the day in a fit of giggles. i wish i could see that video. zoey rocks.

Lacey said...

OMG BEST.STORY.EVER.

Zoey is the coolest person, like.ever! haha

Tracey said...

So funny! Glad no one had lasting damage and now you have a great story to tell at her wedding!

hej said...

Denial- Not the river in Egypt

I did deny, deny, deny. Yet, everyone - daughter, son, daughter-in-law and former good wife suspect I popped a chocolate.

Could it be? I DO like chocolate, even for breakfast. It WAS early in the morning and my memory SURE AIN'T what it used to be, I DID get a contact high. HARD NOT to be tickled by a little girl's goofy smile as she pawed through a bowl of dried Cheerios.

Now, I dunno. Am I that unconscious? I dunno. Maybe so.

wonderchris said...

SERIOUSLY Hilarious!!!! I'm sure scary at first - but then you just have to ride it out. Too funny.

That video would be the new viral sensation, you are right about that!

Oh, and she does make the cutest Rapunzel!

Anonymous said...

all I can say is

california

sunshine said...

That is probably one of the best stories I've heard this year (disclaimers and everything included). I am glad you had some Bob Marley music handy for that occasion. All in all I am glad Zoe is irie!

Patti said...

Oh man. Do I EVER want to see that video! I imagine that was SUCH a great uplifter, after the fear part wore off.

hahahahhaahahaha

Oh, what a tale! Thanks for leaving me stifling giggles in the back of my hand on this snowy, icky Tuesday!

katie. said...

she's going to love telling this story when she's in college...

Oh Brother! said...

No comment :)

Love,

bro

krista said...

you know why i love you?
because you refused to show the video.

i'm not usually judgy about the funny. (because, yes, this story is funny.) but watching david after the dentist made me so sad.

cheerios?
way too much dry mouth.
just sayin.
not that i know about that.

you guys are talking about the caffeine in chocolate. right?
hehe.

ZDub said...

HOLY BALLS, I want your family to adopt me.

P.S. I'm glad she's alright, I would have flipped my shit.

Erin said...

No effing way. I would have FREAKED out!

Ciara Obscura said...

Do I have permission to equate this with when our boxer dog (then an 8 month old puppy)got a hold of my husband's special cookies (stashed waaay back on the counter, but he hunted them down) and was a grand mixture of shakey dog staring at the wall for hours and sooo sleepy dog.
But I wish he would have spent that time munching cheerios and laughing instead. After that afternoon, I needed some special cookies to ease my nerves.

You are a pretty great mama, that's for damn sure.

jennifer said...

killer!
hang it up and see what tomorrow brings!

Geli said...

Hilarious! I especially like the passage where you
stayed home and listened to Bob Marley all day long....

keely said...

Well compared to all the true horror stories of what children have accidently ingested,with frightening results,i.e. bleach,prescription drugs,poisons etc.I believe that cannabis in a candy bar is way low on that totem pole.It was an accident,it wasnt intentional by any parties,and aside from having the munchies and a "forgotten" day shes perfectly fine.So unless any parent out there can say that they have never made a mistake or had their child accidently eat or do something potentionally harmful to themselves than they really have no rights to judge.And even than if there is a parent that can say that they are too perfect to be real and I probably wont believe them.So wih that said,I say let it go,move on and just be glad that you hadnt eaten it too,because than you would have had both of your children high.HAHAHAHA.....

Still Life With Coffee said...

wow, wow, wow....
Wow!!!!!

And congrats on finding out you are having a boy! Kind of pales in comparison to the cannabis story, but creates a different kind of high all together.

Rolerkite said...

haha. I wish this was my story. I would tell it at every gathering for the rest of my life.

I hope Zoey gets a tie-dyed shirt for Christmas.

Misplaced Country Girl said...

You poor thing! You must have been scared out of your mind. But, damn that's funny! I'm glad she's ok. All the good things happen to Zoey!

megatron said...

scarfing dry cheerios from the box? sounds just like me from 05-07.

glad your little rapunzel and boy bean are doing well :)

Bearden 365 said...

I can't quit laughing. Hysterical.

amber {daisy chain} said...

omg, I love this story so much. Zoey will love it, too in about 10 years! we had a similar incident involving chocolate cookies in a brown paper bag, truly, you have to love California. xo

Sharon @ Real Estate Resuscitation said...

That is hilarious! I'm pregnant w/ a boy too by the way.

Richie Designs said...

that is so funny, in a I shouldn't be laughing sort of way.

;)

yah probably good you didn't post the video BUT I'm sure it's hilarious

Sara said...

I love the comment "All I can say is... California."
Yea, California is awesome. We have 80degree weather in December and pot is consumed. God bless it.
Zoey will be jazzed to brag about this to her friends when she's in college.

Reggie Darling said...

My first time on your blog. And I'm enjoying it immensely! I loved the, um Vagina Tandoori sign, and this story had me howling. Once our dog, a 15 pound pug, apparently ate a Xanax or something that someone had dropped on the floor of a deli here in NYC, and once the Vet determined what had happened to him (he was the one who figured it out, we were mystified), and told us he would be fine and would come through it in a matter of hours, we roared with laughter and enjoyed playing with our droopy, legs-splaying, goofy dog who was having a rather lovely time but wasn't sure where he was...
Reggie

cynthiagirl.com said...

Hilarious. I was just considering how I want to learn to make chocolate like that earlier today. For real.

fitfabmama said...

I just came across your blog. It's friggin hilarious. Such a great story. I would love to see that video. Congrats on the new "lil' man".