Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Too Much Woman (Alt Title: Don't Read This Dad)

Once upon a 1991 in a faraway land called Right Off the 405 I was offered the chance to do a test shoot for Playboy. There are many things that should have tipped me off that this was not a good idea: the run-down office park location, the two modeling agents who said I was a shoo-in while glancing at each other, the fact that on my headshot my lipgloss was visibly applied over my natural lipline. But I was 18 and stupid so none of this deterred me. I said no only after calculating the time it took for the magazine to go to print and the thought that most likely both my brother and father would still be alive when my naked body hit newsstands. (This is also the story of How I Did Not End Up Dead in a Ditch off Miramar Road, though sometimes I admit to rewriting a draft and calling it When I Was Young and Hot, conveniently forgetting the subtitle: Don't Be Flattered When Scudsy Quote/Un-Quote Modeling Agents slash Opportunistic Pervs Want to See You Naked.)

Luckily for you, me and my boobs my brother and dad are still alive to this day, so it is not likely I will be posing for Playboy anytime soon, though surely that is the only thing stopping me. That and the fact that I am 38, love nutella, think Vitamin Water is healthy, don't exercise and will be 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow. My boobs are heavy, a roadmap of blue veins, my tummy a poooch with 3 oh's; I am the Venus of Willendorf had she been carved of gluten and not stone.
Redundant?
There was a moment in my last pregnancy that I stood naked in front of my full length mirror looking at what I had become. It was not in shock or even awe, and then Bryan passed by and said something like Wow--I'm pretty sure there are fetish websites out there that would love a picture of you right now. I think he was trying to say I was sexy (missing by a mile), but he was right. A pregnant woman is almost too much woman, all exaggerated breasts and stomach, overblown nipples and vagina--yes, vagina. There is even a name for this fetish, maiesiophilia, though it cannot be that common because as you type in "pregnant women fet..." Google finishes it off as "pregnant women feta cheese."

So that's where I am today, the heroine of a Once Upon a Time in a Land Called Suburbia, pop. +1. Nobody wants to see me naked except Zoey, who thinks the blue veins look like lace, the tale of a pregnant playmate who can eat feta cheese, so long as it's been pasteurized.

13 comments:

Kwana said...

This has me laughing hard and wondering, as I'm feeling long past prime where I'm a specific type? Somewhere I'm hoping.

Still Life With Coffee said...

I really really love how you write.

Anonymous said...

That picture just made my week.

hej said...

I didn't read this ...

and the picture just made me weak.

Love,

Dad

Jules said...

Your happiness about the pregnancy is palpable. :) I love it.

Geli said...

Enjoy your pregnancy, Susanna! It's such a beautiful
time for you and # 2 - plus it's just the two of you being connected for nine months. The minute those
little miracles are out and about, they're their own person - stubborn and demanding (sorry I have a teenager...*sigh*).

Richie Designs said...

you're super cute but I think you just killed feta cheese for me.

Simply Mel said...

awesome!

Lauren said...

That sounded a little shady so I'm glad you had the common sense to walk away. I think that while most of us would balk at the idea of being photographed for Playboy it is flattering to think about someone who isn't your husband admiring your body. Like thousands of random dudes. Nevermind.

Carlie said...

lol! Wonderful!

Just found your blog. You are beautiful and brave and fresh and I'll keep reading.

Judy said...

And what am I, your MOTHER.... Chopped Liver.....not for the eyss of your Bro and Dad but fine for me? My heart is still pounding and I have a dollop of flop sweat just thinking about it. While I wouldn't have a problem with your posing naked if that's what you had wanted, the fact that you came close to probable rape and or murder....not to mention excessive sleaze; THAT scares the SHIT out of me...even now...even when it didn't happen. And why didn't I know about this back when? O.K. enough guilt tripping attempts. Let me just say that one day you will be me and Zoey will be you....and you will be hearing things from her that make your knees weak and your adrenaline spurt just thinking about "what if". Enough said.
And I will say it again...you were beautiful then, you are beautiful now, you are beautiful pregnant (even with pregancy-face and bloat) and beautiful not pregnant. You grow more beautiful as time passes because your beauty comes from the inside (and you have great maternal genes!). You are more beautiful now than ever before and tomorrow and tomorrow, you'll be more so.
What are we calling this little one in utero? Sprout 2? What a trip you're on. I echo Geli who pointed out what a special time this is just you and little one connected in the closest way possible. In another 2 weeks, you're going to start feeling great. Hang in. I love you to distraction.
Mom

Michelle M in KY said...

OH SUSANNAH...
LOVE it when your Mom posts...just sayin'!

Oh Brother! said...

At first I was going to say... wha huh, and then I thought it better to say... umm, but when I thought about it, I almost said.... oooooh, but then I stopped myself and started to type.... errrr, but think it's just better to say...

WHAT DA FUCK?!!!!

bro


P.S. To everyone else, except Susannah- The THINGS I find out about my OWN SISTER & FAMILY on Petunia Face!!!!