Monday, November 16, 2009

What I Did This Weekend (In Addition to Inventing Sliced Bread)

All weekend long I have been writing this post in my head and laughing--oh, how I laughed! God, I'm good, I thought, and maybe popped another Tylenol Cold and Flu. Next thing I knew I would open my eyes and it would be 5 hours later, me struggling to breathe out of whatever nostril had an airway opened one millimeter. Quite frankly I'm surprised I didn't rub my nose down to a nub, what with all that blowing and hacking and blowing and blowing. Seriously--in my head this was funny. The flu? A freaking hoot.
I had some good ideas this weekend, courtesy of a fever. Like this one: I want to create a font. Well, I suppose it's not a font so much as it is a type of software or something. I don't know, I plan on hiring some IT people, okay? Anyhoo, this thing would translate your written words into sick speak. So if you were sick and needed to email your boss you could write I don't think I'm coming to work today as I don't feel well and with the push of a button it would be translated into I don' thingk I'm cominkg to work today as I don' peel well. With this font/software/thingie your boss would fully grasp the gravity of your sickuation, thus feeling more sorry for you, which, as everyone knows, is paramount when one is sick. Imagine the possibilities!

But then I got paranoid about posting my idea--what if somebody steals it, I thought. Is it enough to have a time/date stamp on the post? Would that hold up in court? I mean, I don't think it would because you can always pre-date a posting. So then I took another Tylenol Cold and Flu and slept for fourteen hours wherein I dreamed the geniosity of inventing sliced bread. That's right--I invented sliced bread this weekend! All I needed to do was write a post about the idea and date it July 6th, 1928, the day before sliced bread was actually invented. And so I did. Then I invented the Cotton Gin on March 13, 1794, and on September 17, 1919 I invented pasties. For strippers, not the Cornish.

So yes, I had the flu this weekend. Still do, in fact. Can you tell? (A hoot, I tell you, an absolute hoot is what it is.) And you--what did you do this weekend?

16 comments:

goodniteirene said...

sorry you're sick. i call it the "fairy princess flu," don't let's those swiners get all the attention. this weekend i put up the christmas tree. it's PINK! zoey may have to have one too. feel better. xo, katie

krista said...

not to add insult to injury but we went to yo gabba gabba live this weekend.
it kind of freaked finn out.

Sparkie said...

I'll tell you what you did invent: the software to make me scroll back up and see if you really changed the date to 1928! You got me! Feel better.

ZDub said...

I got the flu again on Thursday and then my husband got it. The kids have some weird throat/cold/snot thing going on and Zoe is home from school.

I'm OVER IT.

I hope your Zoey doesn't get it.

Feel better, momma.

Scribe said...

I feel your pain, Susannah. Aren't those fever-induced dreams just trippy!?!? Kinda wish I could call on them whenever I want.

Doctor's order: Sleep, water, aspirin and repeat. Feel better soon!

Simply Mel said...

I played nurse all weekend to the beloved crumb and her papa...let's just hope the nasty little germans don't invade me!

Petunia Face said...

Yo Gabba Gabba? Live??? Dude. I am SO JEALOUS. Seriously. I think I would've asked DJ Lance Rock to autograph my breasts.

xo all,
Z

Rolerkite said...

here's an idea to add to your line of fonts. A font that translates a drunk person into a sober one.

I had birthday party and not combing to work today i's not feeling zwell.

would be magically translated to..

Dear Boss,

I have been up all night with a fever. I'm going to stay at home and take it easy today. I will be available by email if you need assistance

Regards,

Sandy

amber {daisy chain} said...

oh no! I hope Bryan made you all kinds of soups and warm beverages and of course that Zoey doesn't catch it, xo

ZDub said...

Um, why didn't I know about Yo Gabba Gabba Live?

I would probably leave my husband for DJ Lance.

melissa said...

http://www.rinkworks.com/dialect/

Petunia Face said...

Woah, I meant to sign my name S. Not Z. I mean, Zoey would probably have DJ Lance Rock Autograph her chest, too, but--no. Just no. Zoey will never have anyone autograph anything but a sheet of paper. What can I say--the S key is perilously close to the Z key. And I am double checking to make sure I wrote "sheet of paper" and not "shit of paper" as I have been around the www too many times to know there probably is such a thing.

Petunia Face said...

Well Melissa, there goes my $$$. Fame. And the rest of my afternoon because THAT WEBSITE IS AWESOME!

Thank you!
xo,
S

hello gorgeous said...

I would like to thank you because Eli Whitney has been taking credit for your invention all these years.

Ms. Smart said...

I call it jungle dreams. Freaky how out of self we can get from a temperature or a sick.

3StinkyBoysAndMe said...

I'm so sorry you're sick!

We had a fun weekend celebrating my little boy's 3rd b-day!

Feel well soon!