Tuesday, April 7, 2009

WWPFD?

Once upon a time in a faraway land called My Former (Former) Job Back When Life Was Simple I was the Queen of What Would You Rather Do. Each day at lunchtime my friends and I would convene in an office and pelt each other with questions while eating overpriced sandwiches from the store down the street. What would you rather do? Have a 30x40" hi-def poster of your mom in a spread-eagle Penthouse pose framed above your bed for one year, or have your boss walk in on you masturbating for ten seconds? (Please note: you and your boss would have ten seconds of eye contact, and in the framed photo of your mother she is smiling with her eyes into the camera.) There was something about the futility of each question that I liked. It was easy, making decisions between public humiliation and making out with blubbery-lipped co-workers. Back then, life was egg salad on a croissant for $6.99 and a shared box of seasonal sugar cookies for dessert. Nothing more.
There is little I miss about work, not the meetings or the bitchery, not the passive-aggressive notes left above the sink in the office kitchen or the way the bathroom constantly stank of the collective moan of humanity. But I do miss the everydayness of co-workers who turn into friends. Of did you get a haircut? and happy birthday! in a high-pitched voice, of what did you do this weekend? asked by the guy who works in the warehouse to what would you rather do? asked by your friends behind a closed office door during an hour when you can be yourself and still get paid for it.
Nobody is paying me now, and Nacho still hasn't noticed my haircut, so instead I turn to you, my imaginary friends of the www. What Would You Rather Do?
Wear these heinous cotton-printed Hammer pants every day for one year without being allowed to explain it to anyone (white Reeboks included)...

Or, wear these acid-washed bikini jeans to your next big social outing, again without being allowed to explain yourself to anyone?

Too easy? Okay, how about this one: Would You Rather...

Have a 15 minute full-on makeout session with one of these crackheads (blonde or brunette, your choice!), complete with open-mouthed tongues and saliva...

Or, give this man an hour massage using only your tongue and a bottle of Drakkar Noir?

Now can someone please offer me a freaking job already as clearly I am wasting all of my talent alone in my kitchen with nary a co-worker to bug. Perhaps I should list on my resume: Queen of What Would You Rather Do? along with some sample questions, of which there is never one right answer.
So? What Would You Do? (Please pass the sugar cookies before answering.)

22 comments:

Vanessa said...

Oh, man. Toughie. As for question A, I would go for the bikini jeans, because I'd only have to wear them once and not for a whole year. Though I have to admit, the balloon-printed Hammer pants look comfy. To answer the second question, I'd rather take option three: slice out my own tongue and glue my eyelids shut with super glue. I made that one up on my own.

Megan said...

No one even noticed when I cut off approximately 6 and a half inches of my hair.
As Vanessa noted, the balloon pants might be comfotable, and since I work in the art department, they would probably just be passed off as ironic personal expression. Especially with the shoes. Sad. I could never wear the bikini pants. Those have some sort of special name somewhere in Florida, I think. They're pretty popular there. Anywhoo. Just the thought of Thew crack-mack make me want to hurl.

One of my friends had a box of those impossible questions like you pose, such as: would you stop brushing your teeth for $250,000 and 6 months, without telling anyone the reason why? Endless fun was had mulling this all over, how long would we let our friends sit in their own filth before we became freaked out? Would we stage an intervention? Too much fun.

the girL said...

I can't get the taste of question B out of my mouth, phewy yuck blach ugh gross

Mer said...

I fucking love this game. In my house we all it "Would you rather..." To that end, I'm going to go with the acid washed bikini jeans options. I missed out on that trend in the 80s and now find it strangely compelling! And I'm also going to have to go with the makeout session with the crystal meth couple. Because 15 minutes is a lot less painful than an hour and that guy is just too hairy!

And wage slavery is just the way you describe it. A lot of random people with different schema schlepping around wondering how the hell they're going to work together when they really hate each other. Passive aggressive notes in the break room about flavored coffee not being labeled. Pubic hairs on the toilet seats. Cubicle hell. People who hum. Don't torture yourself anymore. Other than the salary, you're not missing anything!

KJZW said...

Question A: No doubt the horrid jeans, its one night right? And you are bound to get free drinks

Question B: Both horrific choices but I would go with the blonde crackhead, she has less teeth so she probably would't bite

amber {daisy chain} said...

so rad. that really is one thing I miss about being in an office - but I have a solution! The last group of (all now laid off) designers that I worked with used to do would-you-rathers everyday, and now we're working from home and emailing would-you-rathers at least twice a week. Not as satisfying, but almost. Oh - and I'm going with acid wash bikini & hairy man (the addicts look way too germy).

nicole said...

ok this is seriously the funniest post i've ever read. love it! and hammer pants and back hair all the way!

moseyalong said...

Definitely the Hammer pants for a few reasons. One, I'd get a lot of sympathy "that poor Mom never has any time or money to shop for herself". Two, they look comfortable and I'm all about comfort. Three, someone might finally nominate me for What Not To Wear and Stacey and Clinton will fly me to NY and make all my wardrobe dreams come true.

alissa said...

i have to pick the jeans. but i cant answer the second one. seriously.
i work in the stereotypical office - gray cubicles, the notes on the fridge about a stolen burrito, hearing the woman leave the stall and not wash her hands before leaving the restroom... there are days where i wouldnt give it up for anything and days where i am amazed that i put up with this group of humans wihout ripping my hair out on a hourly basis.
so you're kind of missing something. but kind of not :)

My Funny Little Frog said...

I would choose the muscle pants and the hairy dude, for sure.

hej said...

Please Jesus. Somebody give her a job. She's losing it.

Ana said...

Sus, I miss the "Would you rather" days with Eric & Damien in the bullpen.

Oh...memories!

Visual Vamp said...

Oh god I'm peeing myself with indecision and laughter.
Love you and your haircut.
xo xo

Rosalie said...

Greg and I do would you rather all the time, but there's really nothing like those good old days. I wonder if you will ever blog about PH Fridays---what were we THINKING?!!

Petunia Face said...

Rosalie--I would totally blog about the PH lunches if I could get my hands on that pic we gave Dave for his birthday. I think it needs that visual.

And just for the record everyone--I would rather wear the bikini jeans and lick the hairy man. And have my boss, uh... how come nobody answered THAT WWYRD?

krista said...

my friends and i have one called "WHO would you rather?"
i'll give you one to mull over:

biz markie or vern troyer?

((and, yes, this means what you think it means. cue the bowchickabowbow in the background))

Petunia Face said...

Oh, Biz Markie, no contest! He could beat box during said event. Plus, Vern Troyer grosses me out, gah!

Anonymous said...

Jesus, Mary and Joseph those are foul choices (and I mean that in the most Christian-sense of the statement).

Pink Wallpaper said...

OMG, that was funny!! i think i would wear the mc hammer pants...my love handles couldn't hang w/ those bikini pants! and i totally know the feeling of not having coworkers to talk with!

Chelsy Rae Abraham said...

bikini jeans hands down!!!! And to top it, I would most certainly wear a bikini top, duh!!
-chatterboxcra

Sarah's Fab Day said...

I'm dying of laughter! That was one of our favorite lunch time games too but for us it was "who would you rather" about our coworkers. Let me just say it was an exercise in ickiness because I worked for a contractor at the time and those guys were GROSS! So we would always get a good laugh.

I think I'd have to go with the acid wash and the hairy backed guy, those crackhead are going to give me nightmares.

Judy said...

In the far,dark, monster-bunnies corner of my mind-a place, for obvious reasons, I choose to visit seldomly; I guess I knew that my sweet, Happy Valley dwelling Sus had her own dark side. But, OMG, this post proves that you have every bit as sick and as black-humored a side as your parental units because, I gotta tell you, My Sweet? Daughter....THIS post totally grossed ME out....and I think we all know that isn't too easily done.My tongue is curling in utter distaste (as well as other parts of my body) and, try as I might, I can't get those freak pixs out of my head. Thank you!
Mom