Thursday, October 23, 2008

How Does One Tie Together a Camel Toe with Past Life Regression and Site Issues? Oh, You'd be Surprised. Now with Bonus John McCain Mention!

In a past life I was not a princess. Or a queen. I did not wear jewel encrusted gowns or float down the Nile on a bed of reeds. I did not eat cake. What I did do, apparently, was torture and kill the internet; in a past life I was the Attila the Hun of progress. Of course there was no internet back then, so it must have been a precursor, some other invention that forever changed civilization. Maybe I was terrifically cruel to Eli Whitney and his Cotton Gin or I poked fun at Louise Austin and her Pinking Shears. Whatever it was, it must have been awful because in this life, now? I have the worst freaking karma with the internet. First I deleted my own blog. Now I have lost all feeder access and my blog isn’t showing up anywhere. Wah wah wah all the way home and there are children dying right this very minute in Darfur and somewhere in Tennessee a kitten is stuck way up high in a tree. There’s a little black spot on the sun todaaaay (that’s my soul up there)…
So yeah, back to me and my problems. I have refreshed, rebooted, pressed really hard on Control+Alt+Delete and walked around my computer three times backward while spitting over my left shoulder and speaking in tongues to call forth the spirit of Kathie Lee Gifford and the Supremes. But none of my juju is working. What the Eff, Internet? Can’t I just apologize and we call it a day? I’m sorry if I questioned Ben Franklin with that whole electricity thing and that I ever doubted that John McCain had anything to do with the invention of the Blackberry or the abacus. I get it now, I do. I believe! Penicillin works and hydrogen is da’ bomb! I’m sorry! Now please, I implore you: let the skies part and somebody step forward who can help me fix my feedburner/RSS/Google Reader thingie issue. If you do, so help me Steve Jobs, I will totally rally for necessity being the mother of invention and wear this latest doohickey with pride:


The makers of “Velcro Mullet” proudly present: CAMEL TOE CUP!
The packaging reads: If there is someone you want to get to know, show ‘em the Toe!! Easily and securely attaches to the included “Toe-Belt.”
Not tested on camels
Molded of durable Teflon
Each CTC is numbered and registered at our central office, in case you leave it after a night of whorin’ or it is found in a dumpster
Deep Groove™ channel accommodates all materials (denim, cotton, silk, burlap)
Dishwasher and microwave safe
Call for sizing chart*
MildMediumCougar**
Testimonials:
“The deep groove locks it in place, no more embarrassing shifting.”—Mary Clam, age 22
“I wanted to impress this guy at the bar, so I opened a beer with my cup, we’ve been going out for three days, he drives a Camaro, I’m in heaven!”—Bobbi-Marie Mudflap, age 52
“When I am not wearing it, I use as a recipe card holder, I am always finding new uses for it!”—Rhonda Sluichuck, age 45
*Look for Jr. Model coming soon!!**Cougar model includes built-in bottle opener
So there. I have said my Hail Mary's and repent for whatever I have done to warrant this heinous computer karma. Please, for the love of camels. Help me find the light and the way back to my feed reader.
Amen and other religous stuff,
Susannah
p.s. Fire rocks! Another awesome invention!

13 comments:

bmommy said...

I have no words...(but I do have to admit I`m getting that belt)...

Jules said...

I think this is what Coco (Ice T's wife) must have. I'm serious. I could never figure out why the woman is practically a bike rack when she wears stretch pants. Now I know!

p.s. Email me tonight and we can try fixing your "problem."

Amanda said...

OMG, I just peed in my CTC when I read that!

(In)Sanity Gal said...

Thank you thank you for bringing this to my attention. All of my dating woes are officially solved.

Anonymous said...

I think your prayer worked... you just popped back into my google reader!

We're gonna need to see a picture of you sporting that camel toe cup... k?

Erin said...

Well, something you said in your post worked, because the floodgates have opened. Four days worth of Petunia Face posts just showed up on my Google Reader. You better whip out that camel toe now... you don't want to piss of the Gods of Karma again!

Judy said...

Judging from the comments, I may be joining the party late...but WHAT the Fuck is:

A. A "feedburner/Google Reader"?

and

B. A Camel Toe Cup???

Not giving a FF about "A."...and it seems to have been magically or Kharmacally or Kharmaceutically healed already anyway; I move directly to:

"B." or the CTC? I get it but I don't really GET it. WHY? This is a look we tried to avoid at all costs-even when trying to wear last year's shorts (back in the olden days of my youth). It most certainly was a FEEL we tried to avoid like the plague...the full frontal wedgie, that is. WHY?

And, just to set the CTC anatomical record straight, without plastic labial reconstruction surgery, the Cougar CTC model should have hanging, mildly flapping in the breeze, definitely uneven lengths mock labia that closely resemble deflated balloons-all withered and puckery. NOT that I have the slightest bit of personal knowledge mind you. I'm just saying.

I am definitely out of sync with any known generation lately 'cause I'm just not "talkin' the talk"....and were I to indulge in my very own CTC, I absolutely couldn't be "walkin' the walk" if you get my drift. It's just not the way I roll.
Ma

kristinimartini said...

1st: i heart your mom
2nd: you showed up on my reader today too, previously unshown posts and all.
3rd: back in the 90's i worked in the men's department @ a department store in ore. there was a manager we dubbed "camel toe" i wonder if she knows she can keep up her good looks in her old age.
4th: where-oh-where do you find this shit?

TwoWishes said...

You're back on my Bloglines reader, too. Who knew random prayers to the technology gods actually WORK?!?

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

I don't know where you come up with this shit, but you never cease to crack me up.

MALIK IMRAN AWAN said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
SF Bay Digital Images said...

Its funny. Remember the tight tight sprayed on jeans of the 80s. Er, I do anyway. I have this vague memory of my guy friends in college talking about the "camel toe". These are not open a beer with a camel toe beer opener types. These are law school students, studying for a masters in physics guys and architects in training, etc. And I was just thinking the other day how one evening out at a "disco" back in 1983, a guy friend exclaimed at a woman's "camel toe". I was wondering (the other day in hindsight) if it was a weird dream, but low and behold, I read your blog and have proof that it apparently was not a dream.

BabyonBored said...

Call for sizing chart? That sounds ominous. Like, why not just have the chart right on the label? Or how about just Googling the sizing chart. I don't want to have to discuss my measurements "down there" with technical support in India.