Tuesday, September 30, 2008

All the News That's (Un)Fit to Print!

So I’ve pretty much decided to get my news from The Onion or not at all. Because these “American Voices” make me laugh and that’s what I want from my news: a chuckle.
Stock Market Posts Record Point Loss
After the defeat of the bailout bill, the Dow Jones plunged a record 777 points. What do you think?

Sean Morrison, Deli Operator

"Maybe now people will finally realize that there is, in fact, nothing more important in life than money."

Jenny Shields, Designer

"Uh, hello? J. Lo unveiled her new perfume on Monday too? Hello? Anybody?"

Ken Beatty, Art Teacher

"Congress really let the American people down, or really stood up for them. Honest to god, I got no fuckin' clue anymore."


It’s either The Onion or The Good News Network, an actual website that only prints good news. Because, you know, good happens. One such article? Living with Humans Has Taught Dogs Morals, Says Scientist. The article is available to subscribing members only, so I can only imagine the content. Men have taught dogs that it is unethical to sniff a bitch’s crotch without her consent? WaMu What? Ask anyone on the street and you will find that is totally 100% just as pertinent as the failing economy.

I figure I know who I’m voting for and there is very little I can do about the recession, so why bother? The only reason I stay abreast of current events anyway is so I don’t sound like an ignoramus in mixed company, and let’s face it: that’s just vain. So I’m going public with my decision. I’d rather be uninformed and happy than informed and anxious.

Oh look! Kittens!


Hugs and Kisses to a Better America!

xoxo,

Susannah

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so with you on that one!

Maggie May said...

Straight up, news without the peelings.

kristinimartini said...

would the world be better if i took the supplements my naturopath gives me and stopped watching the news and relied on you for all pertinent information????

benson said...

now you're talking! Welcome to benson's world...where everyone is happy and people are good. It's a fun place.

Reluctant Housewife said...

I am right there with you. Kittens it is.

The Lil Bee said...

I'm in the same boat. I know it's probably ignorant of me, but what good does it do to listen to the stock market dropping 770 points, rising 300 the next day, etc.? Kittens are way cuter!

Jozette said...

The Onion is the sole reason I'm still alive. Seriously. I credit the Onion with my life. Sometimes, it just gives me the will to live.

bmommy said...

So true, everythingws fine until I turn on TV or radio and get sucked into all the crap...cute kittens, too by the way :)

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