Monday, August 25, 2008

Boom Chicka Bow Wow (That's Porn Music for Those Who Don't Recognize the Sultry Strains)

Yesterday my finger slipped into my cat. Yes, you read that correctly. MY FINGER SLIPPED INTO MY CAT. Unfortunately, this is not a pornographic post and I am not trying to coyly say my finger slipped into my pussy, because really? Can anyone ever be coy in saying that? No, quite literally, yesterday afternoon we were out on our deck eating brie and apples (which I don’t think they do even in le porno fran├žais filme) and I leaned over to pick up Nacho and my finger slipped into a gaping wound on his belly. MY FINGER. GAPING WOUND. INSIDE. MOIST. GAAAH!!!
I am much more comfortable making off color jokes about porn and pussy, even slits, the worst slang in the history of pooty tang, because the memory of picking up Nacho and feeling that, that… that slit in his belly… I am pretty sure something inside of me was irrevocably changed in that split second when I felt the innards of my cat.
So you will please pardon my loopiness today. We took Nacho to the Emergency Pet Hospital where he underwent surgery and I underwent writing a check for $800. The vet put Nacho under, shaved his belly and stitched up two large lacerations then sent us home with a drugged up cat wearing an Elizabethan collar. For the rest of the night I had to listen as my proud Abyssinian alpha-male fell over from the sheer tilt of the planet, as he skittered his kibble across the laundry room trying to force his coned head into the small bowl, as he fell off the side of our bed with a thud and then decided to just lay on my robe there on the floor, his head at an angle sheathed in plastic, his eyes big and dark, simultaneously panicked and dopey. I did not sleep at all.
And then this morning I had to protect him from Zoey who very much wanted to paste a SpongeBob band-aid or two or twelve onto his freshly stapled belly.



My poor Mr. Man, King of the Meeps, Bat Ears and Snakes. What have they done to your dignity? If I ever find out which neighborhood cat did this to you, rest assured, I will kick its ass and then let Zoey at him, a stack of Dora stickers in one hand, a glittery glue stick in the other. We've got your back, Nachinator, now you go rock that cone like it 'aint nobody's business. My shaved pussy will grow back and the slit will heal, and in the meantime, my apologies to all the randy men who found this post by typing words into a search engine with one hand. Just remember:

16 comments:

Jennifer said...

Your cat is rocking the shit out of that lampshade!

Gin said...

Aw, poor Nacho. Though I must say, he does retain a certain doped-up dignity, like Liz Taylor. But a cat. And a dude.

Megan said...

That's one handsome cat. And that Zoe threat is for REAL. Homies better watch out.

Jozette said...

Oh no! Your poor Nacho! What is going on with our pets these days - it seems like there is bad pet karma going around. The good news is, Nacho does look pretty hot in that collar. Can you bedazzle it or something?

JackeeG4glamorous said...

This is a funny post girl - my fav being the end picture "every Time you masterbate, a kitten is killed" Too funny!

JackeeG4glamorous said...

This is a funny post girl - my fav being the end picture "every Time you masterbate, a kitten is killed" Too funny!

zakary said...

Poor, lovely little Nacho. I'm with Jozette. I think Nacho needs to jazz up that collar. Perhaps you should let Miss Zoey at it.

"Make it work, Zoey!"

P.S. I can't believe you stuck your finger into your cats guts! Gah.

Judy said...

It seems strange to me that the "lacerations" were on his belly...and that they were actually lacerations as opposed to abscesses. Usually, cat fight wounds are on the face, top of the body-back of neck, along the spine, etc. And usually they show up later as abscesses from a bite or claw wound sealing over and festering.
I'm wondering is poor Nacho, Nacho Man may have lacerated his belly as he jumped over something rather than it being from a cat fight?
Your emotional trauma will heal as will Nacho's physical ones-probably both faster than your bank balance. I hope it's soon and I hope that Nurse Zoey-O can be re-directed from her Nacho Caregiving duties. Get Well Soon, Nacho! Love, Mom

Petunia Face said...

Hi mom-- I thought the same thing but I asked the vet and he said the wounds were quite consistent with a cat fight, that the other cat used his back legs to "de-gut" Nacho. Fucker.

Everyone else--I love the idea of pimping out the Elizabethan collar! Check back soon for Nacho con Queso Flair-O!

Rosalie said...

Damn. This story scares me. I am afraid of finding my without fear pup one night on the bad end of a brawl with some raccoons. Sorry, but it's the $800 that has me freaked, not the hand in cat guts. Yikes.
Xo
Ro

Courtney said...

Oh man I sure hope Nacho is up and at 'em soon!

The Nerdy Fashionista said...

poor little guy! I hope he's back up to speed soon.

Maggie, Dammit said...

This is why you are awesome:

A normal person/lesser writer would have written,

"My cat got hurt. I accidentally touched the wound, it was gross. We took him to the vet and he got stitches. Look at the funny bucket on his head."

See? See why you're awesome??

karey m. said...

ok. so my friend came over this weekend and told the following joke...

what are the dirtiest two animals in the farmyard?

brown chicken brown cow.

oh, yes. she told it to my girlies.

and now this. serendipity?

Misplaced Country Girl said...

I just love how you so elegantly slipped the word pussy into this post. It's just beautiful. Maggie Damn It is right, this is why you are awesome.

betsy said...

This is the funniest post I have read in a very long time! I have two cats and I think -I- suffer more at the vet than any animal I have ever had. THEY don't have to write the check! I just found your blog through Brown Button and it is very funny and wonderful! BTW: I am a Petunia as well. My mother gave me that nickname at 3 years old when I fell in love with gardening and, of course, Petunias.