There is only so much to be said about life inside of a white hotel room.
It's funny how I can be so painfully bored when there is so much huge going on. But this room. White walls and white bedding. I eat hard boiled eggs and toast because I am not supposed to have take out food or raw fruit or veggies. Eggs and toast and bottles of pills in Hebrew, not quite sure what they are. I am supposed to stay away from people so I do. I stay in my room and read, sleep, watch bad tv. My dad comes over and we listen to Serial and put together the jigsaw puzzle, all the while my stomach is churning from the Campath possibly, or more likely from the fact that tomorrow I have the Bone Marrow Aspiration, then 40mg of Fludarabin and 60mg of Cytoxan.
I tried to do yoga today but the stupid grippy yoga socks I brought in lieu of a mat don't work and my feet kept slipping out from under me.
I feel sorry for myself. I am not proud, but I had quite the crying jag yesterday morning (or was it today?), thinking why me, I just want my life back, this is all so wrong, me in a hotel room in Israel about to kill my immune system when my babies are on the other side of the world. Just typing those words gives me a lump in my throat so I sit up straighter, blink it back. This is temporary. Soon I will be home wishing for quiet, wishing for white.
Oh for fucks sake, I am such a whiner! I hate whiners. I hate this. I hate that I have nothing else to report from my white room other than hard boiled eggs and a puzzle.
Here. Here is my bed covered, of course, by the quilt that Zoey's Girl Scout Troop made me. Each square is designed by a girl with a funny drawing or a message on it. And next to that is a shirt that Zoey gave me of hers which I hold onto while I sleep.
And here. The other side of the room (with said puzzle).
And that's...that. I am sorry for sounding so sorry. It's hard when everyone tells you how brave you are, what a warrior, when all I really want is for all of this to go away. But the closest I can come to having it go away is to go through it, so tomorrow morning they will stick a very large needle into my hip bone and collect stem cells, and then I will have high dose chemo.
I honestly don't know how to end this post without sounding like a hopelessly pathetic person that you roll your eyes at, so please know that I just need to go through this, all of it: the whining, the fear, the chemo, the nausea, the feeling sorry for myself, the exhaustion...only to come out the other side.