Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Bryan's Nightmare: A Letter to Him (Sorry?)

Let's just call a spade a spade and say that our relationship has changed. Although I slightly recall that "calling a spade a spade" is racist, so let's not do that and just say that everything has changed. We almost never talk anymore. Or we do and it's about who's picking up the kids or can you buy some more milk today and while you're at it Cheerios, did you close the toilet lid? Hardly the stuff of sweet nothings, interrupted as we are by bits of flying food. Remember last night when you grabbed my boob in the kitchen but I pushed you away because I spotted Ozzy crawling inside the dishwasher? Yeah. That was hot.
College Us.
I am so fucking tired. And I think I might be tired for the next 18 thousand years, but I know that can't be right. I remember when I used to sleep in, how you would wake up early to go surfing, come home hours later smelling of ions and salt, how you would crawl in bed and wake me up to have sex. It would be 11, maybe noon. We'll do that again one day, right? After the after ever after. Funny how I get so annoyed when Zoey asks me to get her some juice. Why can't she get her own juice? She's 6, and yet I know that one day she will be everything I hurried her to be, and then I'll be sorry.

In the meantime Ozzy wakes us at 5:30 in the morning and every morning he pushes that button on the plastic toy that for some reason is still in our room and it plays that dinky-dink music with the monkey shrieks and Ozzy, he dances a little bended knee jig, and so we do, too. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, all of us smiling. I wonder if in 20 years we will remember that song, that dance?

How is it that I miss something I used to have at the exact same time as I miss something that I have right now? The timing of it like a dry pill in my mouth. Let's just acknowledge that things have changed, that things always change and this is not forever, but for now we have somehow become two bone-tired lovers inside a circus tent juggling chewed up bits of pear and tortilla, beginning each day with a monkey laughing.

26 comments:

nicole said...

I have been reading your blog for a while and I just wanted to come out of the creeping shadows and say how much I love your writing. This blog is one of my favorites (out of the 500+ that I subscribe to). It is real and authentic and genuine. Not superficial like so many other blogs are. Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing something inspiring!

nicole said...

I have been reading your blog for a while and I just wanted to come out of the creeping shadows and say how much I love your writing. This blog is one of my favorites (out of the 500+ that I subscribe to). It is real and authentic and genuine. Not superficial like so many other blogs are. Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing something inspiring!

nicole said...

I have been reading your blog for a while and I just wanted to come out of the creeping shadows and say how much I love your writing. This blog is one of my favorites (out of the 500+ that I subscribe to). It is real and authentic and genuine. Not superficial like so many other blogs are. Thank you, thank you, thank you for providing something inspiring!

Petunia Face said...

Thank you so much Nicole, for coming out of the creeping shadows and for the compliments :) Right back at you...thank you, thank you, thank you for providing something inspiring!

Rosalie said...

I don't know why but this made me cry. Seriously. Teary. Maybe it's because you wrote my own exact thoughts about parenthood and marriage. Like exact. This is one of my favorites.

Heidi F. said...

The days are long and the years fast.....

Anonymous said...

You are the only blogger I have ever followed. Honestly. And to be even more honest, when you were in a slump, after a while I didn't even check every day. But I never forgot you and I always checked back and when you put something out there it's good. I am not married nor do I have kids. I do not own a home. I am single and live in Old Town Scottsdale, AZ but when you write...about your love for your family, kids, husband...it evokes emotion from me. Sometimes I laugh, Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I laugh until I cry but I love the way you express yourself and your sense of self and weirdness. Keep up the good work.

Love you long time fan. :)

Cindy W. said...

Oh how I understand this. Our kids are older than yours, but our lives are so busy. Sometimes we only talk about logistical things and sometimes we don't make time for even that.

Find some time to sneak in a quickie or have a mini-makeout session in front of the TV at night. Usually that's enough to reconnect you and get you by during this time... give you that little glimmer in your eyes over morning coffee.

I love what Heidi F. quoted here. *sigh* xo

Michelle M in KY said...

OH SUSANNAH...

Too busy crying! Will have to come back & post once I have collected my thoughts and the pieces of pear, goldfish, and half eaten cracker off of the floor!
Sigh!!! From your biggest fan ever!

Anonymous said...

Let me also say that I have been reading your blog for awhile now and I am so happy you did not leave. You write life honestly and unforgiveably and I can never not check to see if you've shared something with us.

All the best,
Jenny

Susana said...

Gorgeous, sweet and heart-wrenching. I want to read a book by you.

Anonymous said...

Magnificent! (As usual. :-P )
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Anonymous said...

hello. i'm the same age as you, i became a first time mum 8 months ago. hubby tried to have a crack this morn but was turned away again the poor love. you know i remember reading an old post of yours about how you had to breastfeed ozzy to sleep or something like that and thinking at the time i must be sure not to let that happen when i have a kid. its been happening for the last 2 months and i've no time to find the post and read what suggestions your readers gave you. that's not why i'm writing you today though. after reading this post just feel compelled to say thanks. gracious lady, even before my girl came along, for years, i've been enjoying your words and now i can relate to you on a different level. thank you for letting me sticky beak into your world and reminding me in our own way we're all the same.

sunshine said...

Loved this post, makes me think about all the right and the wrong reasons to get married and having kids, but it's also in a way very inspiring!

I think I've said this before, you should totally write a book, but I guess a blog is the closest best thing.

I been following you for a while, even from before you had Ozzy, and even if things change your writing remains brilliant!

Amy said...

Ditto on all of the comments. I enjoy and relate to your writing style and thoughts. My son is almost 2 and exhausts me, yet I cry for when it will be gone.

Thank you for not quitting the blog, I would have missed you.

Anonymous said...

You really do have the best writing style.

Thank you for providing this for me to read!

Chanele

Anonymous said...

i too read your blog often and wonder the same things, about real life and mommyhood. the role of wife and lover taking the backseat, sometimes out of the necessity of sleep, but other times out of disinterest in keeping that part of myself roaring...thank you for your words and thoughts...they always make my day

Jules said...

A++

Karen Smith said...

Yes, things will get easier. Yes, the love-making will return. But it will be different. The post-surfing sex of your twenties will remain glorious in memory, never to be repeated. There will be new nights, the house empty, with plenty of time for snuggling under the blanket, teen-style. There will be long, languishing mornings in bed, with sex and coffee and crumbs and newspapers. I promise.
Meanwhile, marvel in the mornings with monkeys.

Anonymous said...

Awesome. Every bit of it awesome.

A Perfect Gray said...

beautiful. thank you.

Anonymous said...

I love what Karen Smith said because it's so true. This stage in life is very bittersweet. Btw, I have read your blog for years and love your stories and random thoughts. You are a great writer.

jennifer said...

yes.

jennifer said...

yes.

Anonymous said...

Amazingly freakin' brilliant! That you are, & we, your dear readers, thank you immensely for writing and sharing and speaking so wonderfully, so smack-dab-truthfully, that some of us are moved to tears.
How cool is that??!
It is awesome really, that you possess such skill. Keep doing what you are doing.
I am one of your fans who looks forward to your upcoming book! :)
And on another note, remember that this too shall pass & you are perfect just the way you are, gloriously imperfect. Many thanks for sharing your stellar-ness! J

Anonymous said...

Ditto