Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Poo that Broke the Camel's Back (The Lesser Known Dromedary Tale)

If you haven't noticed the www is chock full o' sparkle right now. Sequins, sprinkles, mistletoe and merry, fa la la la la la fuck me. Yesterday I woke up in a literal pile of shit. I'm not talking Rachel Zoe every-other-word literal which is not even literal but laughable, no--actual real literal human excrement. Stay with me here. Because Ozzy still sleeps with us, and around 4am Zoey shifted in her sleep--wait--did I also mention Zoey crawls into bed with us every night around 2am? Yes. For the most part Ozzy, Zoey, Bryan and I sleep (or rather just kind of line up in a row overnight) in one bed. So Zoey shifts in her sleep and up wafts this stench of gah, but I was trying super hard to stay asleep so I just incorporated the smell into my dream in denial of the diarrhea. For the next two hours every time someone so much as moved a toe it smelled like ass death but I was so goddamn tired I pretended it wasn't happening. When the alarm finally went off I looked down at Ozzy who looked back at me with an--again with the literal--literal shit-eating grin on his face and I finally saw that he was caked in poo. It was so bad that I had to cut off his pajamas like a paramedic so I wouldn't fling yet more shit everywhere. I'm running out of words for shit here.

Which leads me to this: HELP.

This is the first and last time Ozzy ever slept in his crib. Circa September? It lasted maybe an hour.

People of the internet, this is what I want for Christmas: tell me how to get Ozzy out of my bed. Zoey is easier. I can handle Zoey. But Ozzy?

Ozzy must sleep with a nipple in his mouth. And it must be my nipple. He won't take a pacifier so night after night I torque my body to poke a boob into his mouth even though my milk dried up months ago. Needless to say my back is killing me and I have actual porn-y thoughts of sleeping alone with my knees drawn up to my chest. Oh yeah baby, I'm sleeping hard. I haven't reached REM sleep in almost 7 months.

I'm willing to slather his crib sheet with banana-flavored YoBaby if that'll keep him in there. What I'm not willing to do is hardcore Cry It Out.

So please. Pretty please flocked with fake snow and frosting to make this (literal!) shitty post fit in with the rest of the seasonal bloglandia cheer--please tell me how I can get Ozzy to sleep in his crib without any tears.

Fitfully, Shitfully, Titfully Yours,
Susannah

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Well I'm no help here.. I still have an 18 month old in my bed. But I do have two other daughters that somehow sleep in their own bed every night. I have no idea how that happened! You dream of sleeping in the fetal position and I dream of sleeping like an X with arms and legs spreading across the bed!
And I was happy to read that I'm not the only one who can ignore the smell of poo when trying to sleep. But the mom-guilt in the morning is horrible!
Good luck. I'll check back and hopefully other commenters will have advice for us both!
Done rambling.

Anonymous said...

Oh Petunia Face, I have no idea. I like the cry it out idea. A few painful, miserable nights, and it will be over.
This blog totally makes my day.

Delurking,
BD

ally said...

Maybe the No Cry Sleep Solution? Or google Dr. Jay Gordon. I'm not an expert though, I have a 14 month old sleeping in my bed. :)

Erin said...

Let him cry for a few minutes, go in there and rub/soothe him, leave and let him cry for a few more minutes, and then go back in...... You might have to do this quite a few times and for a few nights but you will be glad you did it.

Anonymous said...

You make me laugh every time I read your posts. I have a 6 1/2 year old in my bed, so I am zero help for you there. He sleeps so close, my nipple could be in his mouth, thankfully it isn't. Smearing banana yo-baby in the crib is a great idea!

Anonymous said...

I had the same issue. Our didn't sleep in his crib until he was like 8-9 months. Once he could sleep on his tummy it made all the difference. He could get snuggly and not feel like he was floating or falling or whatever babies feel like when they are on their back that freaks them out. Also, crying it out gets a bad rap. I slept on his floor two nights in a row and never picked him up when he cried but would give him back a paci, rub his back, turn on his Rockabye Baby Beatles CD and let him exhaust himself and then may back down on the floor. He's almost 2.5 now and I never thought the day would come when he slept in his own bed and now it seems like forver ago. This too shall pass. Happy thoughts!

ZDub said...

Beats the hell out of me, I have a four year old and ten year old in my bed also. I know nothing about kids sleeping in their own beds.

Helpful, yes?

Anonymous said...

Totally and completely agree with Erin.

Anonymous said...

I don't think you can avoid him crying it out because he is not going to like it. I went through something similar with my daughter years ago and had to sit next to her crib rubbing her back until she fell asleep, which she eventually did. After a month or so of this, I had to then break her of THAT habit. And so it goes ...

Anonymous said...

What if you slept in his crib with him and then shat upon HIS sheets? You know, see how he likes it...

Okay, maybe not the best advice. Perhaps this is why I have no kids.

I Googled around and found some sleep-related articles on http://www.askdrsears.com. Search the site and see what you get.

Good luck, S.

Unknown said...

Shit faced, uh? ... And, so young.

Eggie

Caroline said...

Let me just share the kind of response my mamma always makes when faced with moments akin to this: He will not be looking for your nipple all night long by the time he graduates from high school.

Michelle M in KY said...

OH SUSANNAH...
I can't even comment right now b/c I am laughing too hard @ the anonymous commentor who wrote...why not sleep in his bed and shit on his sheets...NOT funny, but so very funny @ the same time. Ahhh...the trials of motherhood...let me think about how I did it and I'll email you! Sweet dreams!

Geli said...

Crying out is not a good method, it just causes insecurities. I think until they're 9 or 10 months old, babies don't register that mom still exists even though they can't see her. Weaning off in stages is better.
Let Ozzy nap in his crip, but make sure he's sound asleep before you put him down, and as soon as he cries, pick him up again. This way he'll gain confidence and trust that someone will be there to pick him up.
Also, try to create familiarity in his crib - similar sheets, warm blankets so he won't immediately know that he's in a different bed and perhaps fall back asleep.
Once Ozzy takes naps in his crib, you can progress to the first part of the night and wait until he wakes up and cries and then take him to your bed. Eventually he'll feel more secure in his bed and he also has learned that mommy will be there as soon as he cries. It's all a matter of trust and making him feel comfortable and confident that mom is on its way when needed.
It will work, but you're right - crying it out is definitely not a good method!

Chantal said...

Had exactly the same model at home. My trick was to take her mattress out of the crib and put it on my bed with her on it. She would then fall asleep with my milk-less nipple in her mouth... When she was deeply sleeping we carried her on said mattress back to her OWN crib. No change of position, temperature or texture: gotcha!
Complicated but it worked really well for us and our bed became a baby free zone: bliss!

MFAMB said...

this is what worked for me..
backstory...fiona slept with me with a boob in her mouth until she was almost 2. like 2 days before she was 2..
anyway..here's what i did..i put the spare bedroom mattress on the floor of her room right next to her crib and we slept together in there for a week. wanted her to get used to sleeping in that room first. the second week she was put down to bed in her crib...hell no she didn't like it and i hated the crying so i employed the supernanny method of the first time she cries you go in and say firmly.."it's ok, it's time to sleep in your bed" and then leave....the second time she cries you go in and say firmly, "go to sleep" (all the while laying her back down and covering her up) and then leave. the 3rd time she cries you walk in and lay her down and say nothing and leave.
and you just keep to the saying nothing part. the idea is that the less you engage them the less they will fuss. it is VERY hard. but it works. the bottom line is this...any method you employ is going to work if you remain consistent in it.
and it will work in a few days, perhaps a week's time..
which is a lot better than continuing what it is you are doing now. .

Petunia Face said...

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and support! I have to admit that part of the problem is me. That is, part of me LOVES sleeping with Ozzy, that is when he sleeps and doesn't poop. But New Year's Resolution: I'm going to be strong and get him out of my bed in 2012. Hopefully it won't take a year. I'm going to use a lot of these suggestions--THANK YOU!

Anonymous said...

The Sleep Lady book is the best for minimal crying. I can't tolerate crying. Anything that makes me feel so crappy can't be good! We didn't co sleep but I used it when I stopped nursing to sleep and it worked like a charm in a few days.

Weitzell4 said...

I too dreaded cry it out but had to try when my daughter was 7 months old or I would have lost my mind from lack of sleep. Luckily she always started in her crib at night after 2 hours nursing sometimes(she had to be in a dead sleep to make the transfer to crib). The first night at her first waking( about 2 hours after she went down). We ignored her, and it was so hard. She cried for 30 minutes then slept, woke again a few hours later and cried 15 min. Woke a couple hours later and cried 5 min. Three nights is all it took and each night the crying was shorter. Literally 4 nights later she was sleeping 12 hours a night. Same thing worked for my son. But you have to be ready to do it or it won't work.

Anonymous said...

If he is taking a bottle now, you might try the Avent pacifiers. They are made from the same stuff as the bottle nipples. Apparently other pacis are made from some other rubbery material. (lady at daycare tipped my off on the paci difference)

Anonymous said...

Reading these comments made me thankful, again, that our girl slept in her own bassinet and then crib from the day she was born.
I think this: it's not our job as parents to make sure our children never feel insecure. Everyone feels insecure, and it's not because our moms failed. We have many opportunities to help our kids feel secure and loved, but being a parent also means giving our kids the ability to be independent of us, to be able to manage some things (like sleeping) on their own.
Being a parent also means being a person with needs (like sleeping in a shit-free bed or sleeping for six or more hours a night!), and, although, yes, we sacrifice, we also have to think about and act on, what we need. Not just what we want (the nighttime snuggles are so sweet!)
Ultimately, we teach our kids to need us when we need them to need us, which is totally understandable but not sustainable for them or for us.
Whatever method you use (I used a modified Baby Whisperer method and followed the motto "the way you start is the way you want to go"), know that you aren't being a bad mom by letting him sleep on his own and letting him protest the change. You are taking care of him and you, which is one-hundred percent good.