Monday, May 2, 2011

My Pregnancy As Told By Prince's Face

You wanna’ know the real reason I haven’t been blogging? Aside from hemorrhoids and varicose veins.

Exactly. I mean, that’s it. That face. Lately that is how I feel about everything. Nutella on toast, clean sheets, successfully finding videos of that gay-for-pay kid on the latest Real World.

Bitch, please. The new Calypso collection at Target?

Totally. Then there’s the fact that our lease is up next month but we don’t want to sign another year lease because we are looking to buy a house again but our landlord won’t let us go month-to-month because I have no idea why. FYI? I have a c-section scheduled for June 2. We have to be out by end of June.

Plus one of these brought to you by the good people at The Hormones Responsible for the Nesting Instinct-ute.

Yesterday was the first ultra sunny happy summer day so we went to the beach just like the family behind us and on either side of us sitting too close, families everywhere with coolers and sand, sandy kids that were not at all cool. Then the family right in front of us pitched a tent, an actual real live tent with sticks and everything and I was all,

And Bryan was all,

And Zoey was all,

I mean, why go to the beach if you’re just going to sit inside of a nylon tent all day eating potato chips?

Of course about 20 minutes later I was hot, too hot, the 8 inches of dank skin hidden now beneath my humongous boobs all sweaty and sandy and I told Bryan I was going to buy a beach tent online as soon as we got home. And I did.

What?

I would die 4 U (but I would nevah evah B anyone’s surrogate, just so we're clear),

The Artist Formerly Known as Petunia Face

22 comments:

ZDub said...

I also gave that face to the Calypso line at Target. I saw it in person last night and it didn't bring the hotness. All the pieces reek of cheap (yes, I know it's Target, but still).

P.S. We are supposed to be out of our lovely rental May 31 and I have yet to have the talk about going month to month because we want to also buy a house. I am stressed to the max and I'm not even pregnant.

P.P.S. Miss you. xoxoxo

Jules said...

This made me laugh out loud and, despite the proliferation of LOLs flying around by people online, I rarely every LOL, FYI.

Glad you posted.

Anonymous said...

Dear LORD!! Thank you for that!!
1. love prince
2. am due the 4th of July and feel exactly the same.
3. completely let down by Calypso's new line.

Scribe said...

I think Prince and I are siamese twins separated at birth because his oh-so-sexy sneer has found it's way to my mug more than 10 times... a day. And, I'm not even pregnant!

Ceci said...

There are better days coming! I hate moving - I hate the thought of moving. Target? My target sucks! They put a grocery department in & shoved everything over & made new iles. I can't find anything so I don't go anymore.

I'd rather go to the beach!! :) With a tent.

A Perfect Gray said...

lordy. adore you...

sunshine said...

Oh, I've missed you but this post was worth the wait for the MIA time.

Claire said...

been missing you! the pregnancy has not stolen your witty humor and ability to write what I think just much more eloquently.

BTW, I've got that sneer, often. But it's because I teach middle school and we have 3 weeks left until summer. Oh dear.

Anonymous said...

Awesome - you are missed!

the lil bee said...

The Target line--I CAN'T!! OMG you kill me.

Michelle M in Ky said...

OH SUSANNAH...

I second Sunshine and The Lil Bee. You have been missed, but this was definitely worth the wait. Hoping your landlord has a change of heart or that you can perhaps find another suitable rental that will let you go month to month during all of this transition time. Here's hoping you rest all you can over the next month. We're eagerly awaiting this baby & I am so happy for you.

Haute Mama said...

I'm also preggies- only 3 months in, but already fully Nat Geo and snarky as hell. It's really kind of a problem that I am so over this right now.

It makes me jealous that you're almost done.

Mornings with Milo said...

Made my Friday!! Hahaha thanks for the laugh, loved it!

helen tilston said...

My first time reading you blog. Highly amusing. Love the Prince pic.
Ha Ha

Vanessa said...

You still make me laugh :-)

Anonymous said...

Hifrickinlarious!

Megatron said...

god, this was fantastic.

alicia said...

OMG That was so funny I laughed for about five minutes. I check your blog out every now and again and I have missed your post but this more than makes up for the lost time!! You need your own reality show!!! Now I am going to go back and re-read that post again. :)

Alicia from San Juan Capitrano, CA

Elaina said...

I just wanted to say You Are Hilarious. That's all. Thank you.

tone almhjell said...

Ooooh, this was funny. Pace. You've got it. Good luck with the baby!

beachbungalow8 said...

me too on that calypso crap. how do these people manage to mess it up when they go target? that's my new catch phrase. "It went target on me"

k, just checking in on you. judging by my calendar you're at the hospital right now. xoxoxo

danielle said...

cannot. stop. laughing.