Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Fairly Lucite Post on Mother's Day

Mother's Day: a day on which I like ask myself, what kind of mother do I want to be? Hmmm... Let me think. What were we talking about? I am pretty sure that star is winking at me.... Ah, yes. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be a pretty mother, the kind who makes sure her ponytail has no lumps, the kind of mother who matches her underwear to her hole-y dress while wearing a faux-angora duster for the sake of modesty because--kids! Hello! Kids need modesty! And lip gloss!
... a mother who teaches my daughter to respect nature. I also want to be the kind of mother who is 5" taller than I really am even at the beach, because tall mothers are better mothers. Duh. (I am totally wearing this hat and sunglasses so nobody notices me.)
I feel it's important to be a down-to-earth mother, which is why I take my child to parking lots while wearing a flesh-colored crochet halter. I truly believe that natural is better which is why I am fairly certain we are at an organic farmer's market here, and no, we did not buy any melons. Why do you ask?
Apparently I also want to be the kind of mother who is incredibly judgmental and mean, not collagen mean but thin-lipped mean, un-botoxed so that I can furrow my brow at your siliconed MILFidity.
Sorry, Shauna Sand. I am sure you are a fine mother. It takes all kinds, and on this Mother's Day may I say: kisses to all of you.

xo,
Susannah

24 comments:

Vanessa said...

Happy Mother's Day to you!
(P.S.- That woman scares me.)

Anonymous said...

oh.my.god.
happy mother's day!

Acanthus and Acorn said...

Yes, I guess they do come in all different packages...Happy Mother's Day to you!

my favorite and my best said...

happy mother's day susannah!!
you are waaaaaay prettier than that fishface.

priscilla said...

You too sweetie!

Real Estate Resuscitation said...

Thank you for introducing me to Shauna Sand. Up to this point I was not familiar with her. My life feels so much more complete now. Wow. Her look. Wow is all I can say.

Sharon

Richie Designs said...

happy Mom's day to you and Zoey

that poor little girl learning that women look like blow up dolls. ugh

DREAMER'S DEN said...

happy mother's day, susannah.
thanks for bringing us along on your journey!!

Simply Mel said...

Uh yeah, it takes all kinds.

Happy Mama's Day Susannah ~ Zoey is a lucky girl to have you as her GORGEOUS and BRILLIANT mama (who needs big boobs when you have a big brain!) :)

Jules said...

I'm going to embarrass myself right now and tell you that the picture of her in the flesh colored doily is at a pumpkin patch right before Halloween. So, not melons. Gourds.

Maggie May said...

snark! Happy Mother's Day~

sunshine said...

Happy Mother's day to you!

And to Shauna; if you can afford those "melons" at the farmers market I am sure you could do much better outfits and maybe even a different pair of shoes (as you are wearing the same ones in 2 pics)...

I've been always being very thankful for my Mother and after seeing those pictures I am even more now!

lyptis said...

OMG, thats crazy, those pictures.

These shoes, walking on sand with them culd be difficult.

Hope u enjoyed mothers day.

sherri said...

wow, who is that freakazoid? I am so out of touch. Happy Mama's day, Mama!

Weitzell4 said...

I am so happy to say that I have no idea who that freak is, and no I am not going to google her right now. Really I'm not.

The Lil Bee said...

Happy Mother's Day, Sus!! xo

Judy said...

Those photos cause me to have hand-curling, eye-twitching, almost overwhelming urges to hunt her down and put her out of her misery by arming myself with a slender sharp object and deflating the most obvious, i.e., one grotesquely, over-done boob and then the other...and on to the lips. That poor child looks miserable...and so would I if my surgically over-enhanced, narcissistic, under-dressed, maternally clueless Mother traipsed around with me looking like she just missed the turn to Hef's place. I DO NOT GET IT! WHY....WHY would anyone think that's a good look? I've seen sketches of supposed aliens that looked far more acceptable than the I'm-gonna-fall-on-my-face-because-of-these-monster-boobs-stuck-on-my chest....and look-out- if-I-do-because-somebody-really might-get-hurt. She could get arrested for child-endangerment-both mental and physical....not to mention how those suckers must kill her back. Why would anyone WANT that look, pay large amounts of money to get it, go under anesthesia, suffer pain...just to end up looking like a bad joke. Well, at least that's ONE thing I didn't do to you or Andy....point for me.
Love You On the Natch,
Mom

beachbungalow8 said...

happy mama's day to you too. Who IS this woman? Wait. I think she works out at my gym.

Abbey said...

OMG Susannah! You are so frickin' hilarious! You crack me up! This post made my day. Mwah!

amber {daisy chain} said...

w o w. what a freakshow - who on earth would leave the house thinking that's a good look?!

SPLENDEROSA said...

My 1st visit being sent over from BeachBungalow. I'm dying with laughter. Really. Waaaaaay back in the 70's I had a quasi-friend who looked like this, when crochet was cool. People called her Miss Air Conditioning. I wouldn't even want to guess what they call this simpleton. Well, surely she's had her 15-minutes of fame. Jesus H. Christ! You are hilarious, I'm loving it.

Jennifer said...

OMG...LOL...ROFLMAO...you are hilarious and Oh so RIGHT!!!

pve design said...

Where have all the Mother's gone that resemble June Cleaver? Lassie would be barking for help. Cousin IT would be spinning and Jethro would be all over this.
I miss my perfect old school days and Mrs. Young with her french twist giving us rides in wood sided wagon.
pe

sweetbittertart said...

I don't know. I have no idea who this is (I live in a hole), but for some reason these photos make me kind of sad, yet hopeful, and I kind of feel for her. This is probably a gross generalizaion, but most girls who look like that (with daughters) are probably not spending time with them, holding their hands, taking them to the beach or to the market. In my feeble generalizing little mind, in that scenario I would see the daughters stuck with babysitters while the mom went out and tried super hard to be Alluring and Fabulous. So these photos are odd in their purgatory, sort of conflicted in nature. Which I'm choosing to view as a positive - as her trying. As a mom myself (who btw looks nothing like that...I mean nothing)...it's hard for me to be critical...it's all so personally Theirs. Maybe it can all work out for everyone. (Feel free to file under: "Look! A unicorn! Wait, over there! A rainbow!" Or, "You are the dumbest commenter in the history of ever!"): )