Monday, January 25, 2010

Super Fuck (In Place of Fudge)

I am having a Judy Blume moment. Day slash week slash life. I must, I must, I must increase pie crust. I don’t know—it was either that or fixed investment discretionary trust, and right about now I’m all about à la mode and Blubber.

It's a good thing I've always identified with Tiger Eyes and not, say, The Bell Jar.

On Friday I fell down. Hard. And not in a Michael Douglas circa 1993 kind of way, although I feel that coming on, too. No, I fell down wearing a cute little black Audrey Hepburn dress and tights with a mere hint of sparkle, boots with a—gasp!—2.5” heel. I was walking past the bank of elevators at work feeling just a little bit frisky because I swear the UPS guy checked me out when suddenly That Fucking Bitch-hole The Universe stuck out her foot and tripped me. On nothing. Total yard sale, and I cannot be completely sure that the elevator doors had already closed so that the UPS man did not witness my shame, or that my dress was not flipped up over my fat head. Pride go-eth and all that ye olde fuckery. Subsequently I spent the weekend looking as if I had attempted suicide with the flat end of a butter knife, a cry for help, perhaps, more than any real attempt to end it all. And yes, I know suicide is not funny but neither is 3 straight weeks of rain or the fact that Bryan has always said I sound like The Gestapo in those boots anyway. Also not funny? Apparently the underside of a wrist can, in fact, look very old.

T.S. Eliot was oh-so wrong. April is cake compared to January, and February is downright diabolical.

Happy Monday.

From the (Not So F)oxymoron,
Susannah

22 comments:

krista said...

regardless, your tattoo is sexy.

Duel Living said...

Look at you all Tatted and bruised! Sorry to hear that you are a klutz. Hope you aren't in too much pain. I, know exactly how you feel in those moments...for I have multiple moments every damn day. I am the biggest klutz this side of the Mississippi...and my legs are permently a lovely shade of pea green.
xoxo,
Brandi

my favorite and my best said...

farts.

kayla! said...

awesome story. i was talking about our UPS guy at work the other day and how we were going to have to trip steve (that's his name) to stop him for my friend to get her shit to the front desk before he left. and i said (yeah, he's super hot and looks like benjamin bratt) i said "we need to strip steve."

and he heard me. (truth be told: i'd totally strip him.)

boops said...

ouch....but your outfit survived the fall, right? ;)

ps luv the tat

Maggie May said...

oh no!! that look so painful!
xo

jennifer said...

ouch, that sucks!

Jennifer said...

And on top of all that you get an invite to your 20 year reunion. OY VEY.

Petunia Face said...

Jennifer. Dude. I know. *sigh* Please pass the butter knife...

appleTree said...

do you drink? If you don't, you should start...

Geli said...

I once tripped over my own feet and broke my wrist -
had to invent a good story, otherwise embarrassment would have struck twice. I hope you feel better, Susannah!

Sarah - La Jeune Marie said...

OUCH.

Anonymous said...

Bummer. I did the same. Having a lovely day when I suddenly tripped on NOTHING, fell forward, and heard a sickening crrraaack. Ended up in the hospital, had surgery and was off work for 2 months. Totally sucked.
p.s. love the tat. i was thinking of having one done there too.

Richie Designs said...

ouch.

I fall down quite frequently for no reason at all.

Still Life With Coffee said...

Or... on the bright side...you look like some sort of adventurous sex kitten who enjoys being tied up by her wrists.

ZDub said...

I'm here to say if my husband Ups driver saw you fall, he wouldn't have laughed and he would have come back to make sure you were okay.

They take the brown uniform very seriously.

Patti-atti said...

I agree with Geli. Sometimes you have to make up a story. Make sure to get it straight, though. Case and point:

In grade one, I was at Brownie camp, rolled over and smacked my head on the side of the coveted top bunk. I remember it hurt A LOT, but I wasn't going to wuss out and start crying or anything. In the morning, I woke up with a black eye so severe, I was asked if I drew it on with marker.

Embarrassed to sport a black eye at school, I told my dad I didn't want to go.

"Make up a great story", he said "Tell everyone a bear punched you in the face."

So, that Monday at school, sporting a shiner and a smile, I proudly told the class that....

"My dad punched me in the face. Oops. I mean. A bear."

So.. make sure you get your story straight!

Kirsten @ Apotheca said...

Aw, boo! That's lame. I once fell ass over teakettle (as they say) walking down a wet Scenic Avenue in front of a car full of boys. I was in junior high- not a time of high self confidence anyway. At least you fell over as a self possessed 30-something in great boots.

BrownEyedNewlywed said...

I'm so sorry about your fall. I've had that happen, nothing ruins your day worse. But I had witnesses. Your tattoo is still rad.

Misplaced Country Girl said...

This is terrible, but I'm so glad I'm not the only one who falls down in front of people. Take comfort in the fact that I do this quite often and embarass myself. I hope your wrists heal quickly!

Judy said...

Oh my Sweet Daughter...it's happening so fast...that is you turning into me. Your leopard umbrella, 2.5" boots, a shark floating in a jar and NOW a total dressed up, feeling FINE, fucking pratfall!

Wait until your metamorphasis is actually complete because by then you'll be carrying a HUGE, heavy purse-and why is it so heavy? Because it's fully stocked with treatments-like a tube of Arnica Gel to minimize bruising, et. al.

I'm so sorry. Your wrists look very painful. Welcome to my world!]

Love,
Mom-A Full-On Klutz

Micaela said...

those bruises! ouch.

tiger eyes / deenie for me. Tiger Eyes always made me cry and i still have an image of Wolf in my head. (Are you there God? it's me Margaret is a fabulous judy blume read too)


i just found you through dollop.

how BEAUTIFUL is your family? God really does hand good genes out to the lucky. ;)