Friday, December 18, 2009

To: Me, Love: Moi

This post begins disjointed because I want to apologize. Originally I had a pic here of somebody else's family holiday photo that I found funny. Some people found my comments offensive and while I don't mind being offensive at times I never want to be mistaken for mean. I'm sorry. Anyway, here is the rest of the post which probably doesn't make much sense now but also might not have made any sense in the first place...

So in the spirit of Christmas here are a few stragglers of por favor, gimme gimme:

An oral hygiene model. Don't know why really, but I'm fairy certain it's smiling at me. Me! This would look pretty darn frisky in my bathroom, though at $55 I'm hoping it either gets wrapped up and handed to me with a tube of vanilla-mint Crest or is severely marked down post-12/26. Honestly I can't stop staring. I really really want this, don't you?
And this. I have a pretty bitchin' Christmas ornament collection, if I do say so myself. Glass owls and porcelain birds, felt Santas, snowmen, metal elves, beaded snowflakes that twinkle in the slow waft of the wall heater. Still there is something missing, and that something, my friends, is a pornament:
Oh, how I do want this, nay, need this. A tit for my tree. $8.50. Somebody please gift me with this handblown breast and forever after my holidays will be happy, I just know it.

And then this, the most confusing gimme gimme of them all:
Ice-T's wife Coco. And no, I don't want an ass like that or the boobs, not the bleach job or the shoes even if lucite stilettos are a perfectly sensible choice in footwear for lifting dead weights. I just want to know... fuck. I don't know. I'm speechless. I look at Coco and my thoughts form strings of asterisks and ampersands, @@@@!!!*&#*&%^@!(*))##???? Wordless, what and wonderful, wonderful in the sense that I am full of WHY???

'Tis the season, I 'spose. For miracles and vinyl mouths, resin boobie balls and--honestly, you guys--WTF IS UP WITH COCO?
Happy Friday.

xo,
S

17 comments:

Kendra plus 2 said...

Coco claims she's 'all natural' but it's pretty evident she's had some enahancements.


I mean, just look at that hair, it's quite obvious it's bleached.

my favorite and my best said...

holy balls. i didn't know white girls could get a butt like that. they must be implants. have to be. it's just not genetically possible.

The Lil Bee said...

This is probably the only photo of Coco I've ever seen where she's not sporting a camel toe. I suppose if we were to view this from a different angle though...

Cindy said...

Oh my gosh, what a grrrreat way to start my Friday! Am I allowed to ask wtf is up with that baby?

MFaMB: Tamra said "holy balls" on RHOC last night and I rewound and rewatched that scene probably 5 times. Filarious.

I'm wearing my sparkly red sweater at work today, folks! Hohoho!

xo

sunshine said...

Loved the pornament... and about Coco, I'm pretty sure after lifting weights in those shoes she walks the same as if she still has the weights on her, I feel so sorry for her spinal cord, well that's if she's got any left, ouch!

Amanda said...

Don't you think "wtf is up with that baby" is a little thoughtless? Is that a breathing tube across the child's face? The facial features might hint toward down syndrome, and if all you can draw from the picture is your comment, then apparently the empathy function in your brain has been disabled. I might add it was thoughtless to post such a picture in the first place.

Petunia Face said...

Amanda--I totally hear you about the baby, and yes I think that's a breathing tube. However, I didn't say anything about the baby. Just the bowling balls and the sweaters, those glasses--all that is enough for a wtf on a Friday morning.

Happy holidays,
S

amber {daisy chain} said...

wow. words cannot express. is she sporting butt implants with those hooker heels? crazy.

Michelle M in KY said...

OH SUSANNAH...
I, too did not know that white women could have an ass like that. However, I do think she has rockin' legs. I am definitely ordering that titty for my hubby this Christmas. I mean whenever he wants to cop a feel, all he has to do is walk over to the tree and squeeze. Thanks for that last minute gift idea. You always come thru with thought provoking originals. Happy, Happy Weekend to you and that beautiful family!

Cindy said...

Amanda, obviously you don't know me or my heart for others via comments left on a blog. The only reason I said that is because I couldn't see it very well and I totally thought it was photoshopped, given the nature of the rest of the photo and the fact that it was posted for comment.

Every baby is a gift from God, and I apologize for any offense.

Duel Living said...

I think Coco got some pornaments for x-mas one year and had them implanted in her...everywhere.

Anonymous said...

we're not quite at that point in time (and probabaly won't ever be considering the 'progress' made with d.s. testing) where we could just notice all the 'wtf' bits according to the mother of a perfect looking child.

JackeeG4glamorous said...

I LOVE the "pornament", but could think of other types of things I'd want dangling from my tree.

Coco on the other hand- jeeze, That's all I'm gonna say. jeeze.

Misplaced Country Girl said...

"A tit for my tree." That almost made me pee my pants!

I never knew that I wanted an oral hygiene model, but now I'm not sure I can go on living without one. It would be the perfect accesory for my desk. Is it too late to put an order in to Santa?

Kacey said...

It makes me sad that you feel you have to censure your art and words because of someone elses complaints.Last I checked we do still live in a country where freedom of speech is allowed,correct?

All I can say is someone can always find something offensive about something someone says,writes,draws or does etc.in any situation,theres no way everyone can always be pleased or placated all the time,thats just life.Also,because of those people I feel gypped because they took away your original blog and I had a right to read it without censorship.

Im sure there are probably people out there who are offended by boob ornaments or big butts squeezed into pink spandex(im not one though)but I say forget them and just write you,you are great just the way you are,dont change it for them or me or anyone,well for Zoe you can because babies always come first,but those others can suck it!

l said...

Kacey-

Couldn't have said it any better myself, so...

AMEN!

Anonymous said...

To Kacey and I said: I think she took it off because it was the right thing to do and not because someone was trying to censure her.