Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Getting Down to Business

Meet my husband:
Oh sure, you thought his name was Bryan. Maybe you pictured him a little less feathered, his jeans a little looser, a little less jaunty perhaps? But you'd be wrong, because this is him all hands on hips and snug package cocked. I do so love me a man who can pull off the broken down Tyra high fashion pose replete with a dash of Zoolander Blue Steel.

Bryan Gary Bryan (which is what I am calling this look, this husband of mine) is going to kill me for this post, but I do not care. He deserves it, this matrimonial Kenny Loggins of my very own. See, Bryan Gary Bryan sails competitively. And there is a regatta coming up (not soon enough) and all of the men on the boat decided to grow beards for the race. (Why, I don't know. Perhaps because they would be disqualified if they sailed with their ball sacks hanging out? This is not for me to know, the goings-on of testosteronic logic.) Anyway, Bryan Gary Bryan is a noon o'clock shadow kind of man and I am his wife with sensitive skin. So I started breaking out. Bad. Pizza face dry with an extra thick crust and I could not figure out why exactly until this morning, duh.

Orphaned baby hedgehogs clinging to a stiff bristle brush for comfort. We should totally adopt them and they can nestle under Bryan Gary Bryan's neck.

When he kissed me, it hurt. Stung, the prickly bristles of Bryan and the Gary and the Bryan. And so I must call a moratorium on kissing until September 13th after the regatta. Like a prostitute--no kissing on the mouth, my new skin care regimen more of a don't than a do. Which will be really very hard because please--check him out up there all thick-thighs and oh baby sighs. We are so totally going to make out on September 14th, Bryan without the Gary without the beard, but still Getting Down to Business all the same.

13 comments:

arollerskatingjam said...

Those hedgehogs are adorable. I want one, but they're illegal in CA.

I'm not a big beard fan, but I do like what I've termed the "dirty mustache", the kind some 70's muscle car type would have, right across the top of the lips and then straight down the sides. Sometimes my Brian will indulge me, and grow one, like this look, modeled by HOTT Jesse Hughes.
Dirty Mustache

Petunia Face said...

Oh Roller Skating Megan! You dirty dirty girl. What I did not mention (because I could not think of how to describe it) is that the plan of this particular sailing crew is to grow their beards until the race, then the day before they are all going to groom them into one of these Trans-Am Fu Manchu type dealios, which is what I think you are describing. So if that's your thing then may I direct you to the SF waterfront September 10-13th--there will be a boat full of them, probably rip roaring horny because for the last month their wives refused to kiss them ;)
xo,
S

Simply Mel said...

My McDreamy always has a more than afternoon shadow but less than a full-grown beard. I love it! Something so rough and rugged about it makes me swoon and I forbid him to shave it!

ZDub said...

Oh my, what a kicky pose your husband does strike.

Please take photos of the before and after.

We need the photos.

Petunia Face said...

ZDub--Oh, I will! If he has to expose me to the skin of a 15 year old after making out in the back seat of a car, then yes, I think some before, during and after shots are called for. Stay tuned in mid-September!

Darcy said...

Love the pic!

my husband is part indian and therefore his hair does not grow very thick. So when he grows beards, they look creepy, sparse and patchy. lol, HAWT (not so much)!

Brandi at Duel Living said...

My husband just shaved his goatee off and now his face looks fat and short...I miss it...I told him last night to grow it back or "else". Beards and mustaches however, are a different story...for a different breed...and the new growth is awful. My legs feel like a man's new beard growth...so I guess I can't complain.

mosey along said...

Very timely as my hubby kissed me good-bye this morning and I got the full-on tear-inducing nostril full of stubble.

Time to shave, buddy.

jen said...

the photos you find are worth price of admission alone. Oh my god.

Oh Brother! said...

Was here.

(Was going to post, but, well... this all has taken a turn for the "Hell noooo, I'm your brother- I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you!")

-bro

molly said...

I truly love the idea of hedgehogs living in his beard as he prepares for the regatta.

arollerskatingjam said...

Thanks for the dates! Luckily, Brian F. will be volunteering for habitat for humanity on Sept.12, so I'm free to rendezvous with horny, mustachioed sailors. That is, if they're into 205lb pregnant women.

Aunt_B said...

I once made out with this guy who was all scruffy and in return got the worst case of what we coined "Tom Chin". I seriously had this huge hickey-scab covering my entire chin. Try explaining that to your parents when they thought you were at your girlfrieds watching The Goonies!!