Thursday, July 16, 2009

My Bladder for a Baby

Meanwhile, over in Japan where my Asian doppelganger apparently prefers blue cardigans and pumps...
One thing nobody prepared me for was the weak bladder. I mean, sure, I knew that pregnant women have to go pee a lot, but here I am 3+ years later, no longer pregnant but still having to pee. A lot. You, too, right? I mean, is this just me? Anybody read this in What to Expect When You're No Longer Expecting But Expect You Might Have to Pee Because You Recklessly Took a Small Ladylike Sip Of Iced Tea?

Okay, so I haven't lifted my skirt to pee in a crosswalk. Yet. But I cannot tell you how many times I have thought of the animals--the animals!--and gotten jealous that they can just go wherever they want. And here I am wearing button fly jeans on a street with no toilets. Or large trees. Restrooms for Restaurant Patrons Only, and so I put on my blithe face, the one that I secretly hope looks a little like Gwyneth Paltrow because that is her middle name, and I walk through the restaurant as if I have just finished my meal and left a very large tip.

I don't mean to scare any pregnant readers out there, but there are simply things that you don't get back. Boobs, Schmoobs, Hot Dog Down a Hallway, Schmot Schog Schown a Schallway. My boobs are fine and my vagina intact, that is not what I am talking about at all. It's my bladder, and the fact that my three year old daughter wearing Hello Kitty undies seems to have better control than I do. This is the beginning of it all, I'm afraid. Me passing the torch of womanhood down to her. It begins with the bladder, my sexy young bladder, here! I say, and she grabs it and runs. But what is next? My breasts, my belly, my legs, my what? My bladder for a baby, and you just know she doesn't appreciate it.

18 comments:

I *Heart* You said...

as someone in her 33rd week of this merry go round - you have just terrified me. this peeing every 90 seconds biz is just cruel.

Petunia Face said...

Paige! I was actually thinking of you and the Lil Bee when I wrote this. Please don't be scared. Aw, fuck it. Be scared. Weird stuff happens and here's the weirdest part: IT'S ALL WORTH IT. I swear. So my daughter makes me pee my pants? So what? She also makes my heart happier than I ever thought possible.

Vanessa said...

Wow. The more I read about pregnancy, the less I feel I want it. Good thing I'm not in danger of that happening anytime soon...

jennster said...

LOL- maybe you should lift your skirt and pee. or just pee in your chair. lol

Simply Mel said...

Oh yes, the pea-sized bladder! Before Gaia Miette, I had a bladder of steel...now, I'm a total whizzing wimp! But yes, her sweet little face is totally worth my constant running to the bathroom!

mosey along said...

I pee when I sneeze. There is just no dignity left. But you're right, it just doesn't register in the grander scheme of things...

Good Enough Woman said...

I cross my thighs every time I sneeze so that pee will not squeeze out.

Oonafey said...

Get Depends... hehe!

Zakary said...

Wait until you have the second baby. It gets worse.

When I was pregnant with aforementioned second baby, I went shopping and squatted down to look at crib sheets and sneezed. And pissed myself.

Not cute.

Meghan M said...

In the interest of reassuring those who have not yet travelled down the road of motherhood..... By the time my daughter was six months old, I had regained all of my old bladder control. I realize that I may be desperately lucky, but it IS possible.
Before that magical time, when the world was defined by my proximity to a clean restroom, I absolutely considered Depends. Absolutely.

Petunia Face said...

Oh dear. Dearie dearie me. I just don't think I could do Depends--that's like the gateway drug to death. No, it's not THAT dire, and I am fine with crossing my legs tight like a nutcracker and doing the pee pee dance in public. I have no pride, just a very wee bladder.

Judy said...

And NOW we know the REAL reason that Russian woman was power-lifting with her Bagina a few posts ago!

It's Stress Incontinence and it isn't pretty. Most effective remedy-other than adoption- kegel exercises. I somehow made it through 2 vaginal deliveries without being bothered by it (though I had every other post-pregnancy problem in the book) and now old age has kidnapped my bladder and there are no more nights without getting up to pee.

I'm still squirming with embarassment for the poor girl in the blue sweater. Squeeze 'em if you got 'um or dribble with every sneeze.
Mom

Anonymous said...

After my second baby I always made sure there was an empty sippy cup in the car! My kids never knew what I was doing when I pulled to the side of the road to "collect a sample!" That's the kind of advice nobody tells you at your baby shower!

ModernMommaBlog said...

I'd pee my pants during every sneeze for the rest of my life to have my two little dudes. It's all SO worth it.

Brandi said...

Ugh...my urethra hurts just thinking about all of this...am squeezing my vag muscles now. Now that is called vagersize!!!

Samantha said...

Today I peed in my kids plastic potty while squatting in the back of our minivan. Thank you, tinted windows!

Anonymous said...

I have never had kids and started having weak bladder at 33. I also have sagging breasts and a bit of a gut (while I am still in pretty good shape otherwise). You can't blame everything on motherhood. It's mostly about getting older and just being a woman. Yeay for being a girl!

Anonymous said...

hi my name is Chrystal and i have the same problem after i had my daughter that was almost 3 years ago and i am only 25 years old now i pee every 5 minutes and my bladder keeps me up till 4:00 am evrry day i am tired all day cause i wake up at 9:00 am evrry day some days i just want to cut my bladder out so i can be normal again and some times i cry wishing it would stop i am going to the hospital in two days cause i cant take it anymore i cant play with my daughter more than 5 minutes at a time cause my bladder wont stop i am going to tell them to fix it or shoot me cause i cant take this anymore!!!!!!