Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Tell Me I'm Not the Only One Who's Thought of This

Honestly, I don't know what is wrong with me. I mean, if you saw me on the street you'd think I was a nice, normal girlwomanladyperson who is probably thinking about where to find a nice lemonade pitcher, you know, a glass one? One with a nice round shape that won't slop the lemonade when stirred? Because I am: a nice, normal girlwomanladyperson thinking about lemonade pitchers. And cookie jars. I swear to fucking god I need a cookie jar, one with an airtight seal. In the shape of an owl maybe. Or a fruit. I'd like a cookie jar shaped like a fruit.
Despite all this--the fact that I am most definitely a nice, normal girlwomanladyperson who thinks of lemonade pitchers and cookie jars--despite all this I cannot seem to write a post that does not rely on scatalogical humor. Me who never farts. (True story: never.) Because the other night as I lay me down to sleep, (my soul to keep and do you think Anthro might have a cute cookie jar?) in crept a thought about farts. And penises. James Lipton, although I swear I never ever not once thought of James Lipton's penis (although you are. Right now. You sick bitch.). No, I was thinking about Inside the Actor's Studio and how James Lipton always asks the celebrity their favorite swear word. How inevitably the audience gasps and twitters like schoolgirls when Sean Penn or Danny Devito or whoever says fuck. Or cocksucker. And how much I hate that James Lipton acts so pleased with the answer. Like what the fuck else does he expect the celebrity to say? Fudge muffins? And then because it was past my bedtime and I could not sleep (I pray the Lord my soul to keep) I thought about what I would say if James Lipton ever asked me for my favorite swear word. Buttfart. It must have been 1am and I think I would say buttfart. Gasp, twitter, hee hee, does anyone know if they even make cookie jars in the shape of a citrus? Although that really begs the question: what other kind of fart is there? Nice, normal girlwomanladyperson. God, please don't think it, please don't say it, please God, how I do hate the word queef. What a terrible terrible blow to humanity that the word even exists. Alas, here is where it gets dicey: and then I thought how truly blessed we are as a species that men cannot fart out of their penises. Because you know if they could, they would. All the freaking time, tooting their own horns, hands down their pants, on the remote, cue ball in the corner pocket. They would embrace the ability, marrying together, as it does, their love of farting and their own dicks. And then I finally fell asleep secure in the knowledge that men cannot fart out of their penis holes, Amen.
Then this morning: this. Nice, normal girlwomanladyperson, so help me I think this shirt is so funny and I kind of want it in a nice, normal girlwomanladyperson way. I'd pair it with a cute pair of jeans?

Seeing as how nice and normal I am, I am left to wonder: why do I not yet have a job? Or at the very least, a lemonade pitcher that does not slop?

23 comments:

Court said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahahhahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Black Dog Salvage said...

thank you, as always, for that much needed laugh out loud moment!

Katie said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That shirt is HILARIOUS!!

Patti-atti said...

ahahahahahahaha! Very true! Thank goodness we don't live in a world where men can fart with their penises!

Thanks!

Kwana said...

Haaaaaaaa! I'm dying here as I think if running to my overpriced grocery store to buy some lemons to make fresh lemonade in the tiffany pitcher that I got for my wedding that I never make lemonade in. Oh how I wish I had that shirt to wear at knitting tomorrow when I serve the lemonade.

Anonymous said...

I didn't know what a fart was until high school. We had always called them buttburps.

hej said...

Where did I go wrong?

regardez moi said...

i. love. this. post.

let me say that again.

I. LOVE. THIS. POST.

truly.

reading that was the best 30 to 60 seconds I've had all day.

krista said...

i saw that shirt yesterday? where did i see it?
anyway, i'm a little taken aback that you never fart. i mean, isn't that bad for you or something?

nicole said...

this is the funniest fucking thing i've ever read in my life. you should get paid for this! buttfart?!? awesome!

Anonymous said...

I love the way your mind works!! I've never once thought of a penis fart but I like the visual it gives me! What do you think a penis fart would sound like? A whistling sound? I wonder if it would smell? You've really got me thinking....

Anonymous said...

Dear god that was fantastic

Rosalie said...

Your dad's comment is priceless. Silly Ed. You went ever so RIGHT!
Xo
Ro

jennifer said...

I laughed, I cried. I want to read it again and again.

xo

Scribe said...

Buttfart!

Can you imagine if men somehow discovered how to fart out of their penis? The world may never recover.

Jessie said...

NSFW!!!!!!!!! Thank goodness it's before 8 and I'm pretty much the only one here!

Also thankful that no one was around to hear the loud (extremely unattractive) guffaw/cackle that escaped me.

You're a hoot. Thank goodness penises can't toot.

Alfred said...

That is one of the funniest things I have ever read. You have a new stalker. Thanks.

JennyLo said...

Lol! Im soo glad you are back. :)

Anonymous said...

When my daughter was around 6 years old,
one of her play dates farted. She got all flustered
and shy, but defended herself with this:
"My Mom told me if you don't let it out you explode!!"

Kat said...

This is the best one yet :D. I think I shall print it out and read it at the table during the next family holiday dinner.

Anonymous said...

You are, this is
hilarious!
I am so glad you're back, having only recently discovered your blog and then finding you'd left on vacation.
You give hope to nice girlwomanladypersons everywhere that they can appear/ be nice and respectable and still enjoy stuff like this.
You always make me smile (except when you make me cry).
Thanks

Kacey said...

O.k. all i have to say is I am so greatful that i found ur blog.Reading ur blog has definitely made me feel better about myself,not thinking that i was the only woman in the world who deals with a constant barrage of crazy thoughts,lol.You are so hilarious and natural and real.Thanks for writing this blog and making me laugh out loud and really hard for the first time in at least a month.

arollerskatingjam said...

Lady, I've got a line on a nice, vintage owl cookie jar. If you're interested let me know,I'll go take a pic of it and you can decide if you want it. As I recall,it is pure 70's goodness.