Monday, December 22, 2008

Petunia Face's Holiday 2008(Last Minute) Gift Guide: Because What Is Christmas Without the Absurd?

If you are reading this then please accept my heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS! You have made it to the other side. Because while the calendar now says it is winter and I am sitting here in my kitchen typing this post with fingers stiff from the cold, from here on out the days are only getting longer. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to make today the official start of Things Are Now Getting Better-Olstice (TANGBO for short). The economy got you down? Feeling lonely this holiday season? No money, no man, no heat? No problem! It's TANGBO! And what better way to celebrate TANGBO than with an official Petunia Face Holiday 2008 (Last Minute) Gift Guide? Semi-Colon: Because What Is Christmas Without the Absurd? Ladies and gentlemen, elves and people who are just short for no reason, here we go:
First off we have a festive holiday TANGBO card from I love it when a card says everything I've always wanted to say and all I have to do is sign my name.

I've been thinking about making it a tradition to give Zoey a cozy pair of pjs every Christmas eve, hence next up we have traditional pajamas for the kidlets in your life: Armor of God PJs. Makes me feel like a heathen as the jammies I bought my daughter feature pink polka-dots and not, say, satin crosses touting Chastity and Salvation. Oh well Ephesians 6:10-18, there's always next year!

I also seem to have missed the boat on this one, a kids tattoo parlor. Never fear, Child Protective Services. I did manage to get her the sanitized body piercing kit, Prince Albert Special Holiday Edition.

This I just want for my very own. Seriously. Come on, TANGBO, kick it down! A knit dissection frog. Now why didn't I think of that?

And here, for that person in your life that you resent having to buy presents for (hey, we've all got one). Crugly is the new fugly with these hybridized Croc/Uggs. When you care enough to give WTF.
Oh dear. From crugs it's just a slippery slope to this next item: the Artificial Virginity Hymen. And no, I'm not making this shit up. Although if you don the boots above something tells me you won't ever need the faux hymen.

Now personally I want a job for Christmas, you know, for the paycheck, benefits and general rise in self-esteem, but also so I can sport these eyelid stickers while sleeping on the job. Genius! Because that's totally what my eyes look like while staring at spreadsheets all day. Creep-to-the-mother-effin'-y.

Okay, that's all I've got for now. Don't you wish you were on my gift list? Yeah, me, too. So Happy TANGBO peoples of the www. And if that's not enough to make you feel feliz this holiday season, I leave you with this:

Ho ho ho!


Shannon said...

Well I tell you what...Merry Happy TANGBO...I have no need for the fake hymen...hence the PJ's are out, but if I could get my hands on a set of Henrietta's eyebrows and little does of that enthusiasm Myrna's got all bottled up my cup will have runneth over.

Have a great holiday!

Erin said...

TANGBO! Love it! Yes, things always feel better as the days start getting longer.

Black Dog Salvage said...

i was in need of that laugh, thank you!

Misplaced Country Girl said...

I don't even want to know how you found those items but, boy am I glad that you did!

Meghan M said...

I'm really bummed that the link for the kids' tattoo kit goes to the dissected frog.

I really wanted to purchase that... it's about time my 3-month-old had a tramp stamp.

Could you please correct that?
And hurry, because Christmas is this week!

Hannah said...

the next time i go on a completely shitty date i'm going to tell the guy that i already have armor of god pjs for our unborn child. and i'm glad you introduced me to the world of $15 virginities. hilarity.

hej said...

TANGBO all the way.

Petunia Face said...

Meghan--my apologies for the link error! Here is the link for the tattoo kit for kiddies:

Cut and paste and be the hero of your 3 month old!

Ho ho ho!

Robin said...

I think Merna from the video is wearing the eyelid stickers, 'cause there's no way that girl is even alive.

What's really frightening is that these are real products and not parodies from SNL.

Jessie said...


I was thinking about the days getting longer today, too... here's to longer ones and better ones, my friend.


Meghan M said...

Thanks for the link to the Tat Maker!

I highly recommend checking it out - the reader reviews are priceless. 105 rave reviews, including some repeat buyers.

Here's an excerpt from my favorite:
"The baby even let his brothers tattoo him."

I'm not sure he had a choice... how does a baby object to forcible inking?

monkey said...

you know what i want for christmas?

front row at a henrietta/merna show. i would wear the eyelid stickers and the armor of god pjs.
and i will carry my hymen in my pocketbook in case i need it.
or i will hide it behind the truth shield/pajama accoutrement.
whoa...there's a metaphor in there somewhere.

s. said...

Aw, Myrna and Henrietta were just the icing on the cake of this blizzardy day. Thank you, and a blessed TANGBO to you.

Brie said...

Greatest list ever compiled and the you tube finish will keep me giggling all day. Thank you!

I hope it's not too late for Santa to get me some of those awesome pjs!

Vanessa said...

I'm scared. Do I really want to go on living in a world with Jesus Camp PJs? Those are the little girls who will grow up to use artificial hymen, after they feel the guilt of accidentally losing their virginity to the altar boy.
Well, you've started my day off with a chuckle, so thanks for that!
Merry TANGBO to you!

Patois said...

TANGBO has definitely got a ring to it. Count me in on celebrating this. But give me 15, 20 minutes advance notice so I can insert my faux hymen.

coco+kelley said...

oh. my. GOD. the croc uggs have to be the most disturbing thing i've ever EVER seen! who thought that was a good idea? i'm gonna need some of those PJ's to protect me from the blasphemy that is the furry croc fuchsia!

jim l said...